Well...here we go

[Not_what]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
It will place me more in control, it will erase the need for alcohol. I can remember without feeling quilty

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring guilt and regret. It will take away the pain and the disgust

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
It';s going to take me farther, but I need some way to destroy myself

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
It will last a least a day. And then, I will either cut or drink some more

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could go to bed. I could drink more. If I go to bed or drink, I'll end up asleep and will only wake up late tomorrow morning. And then I'll start the cycle again

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
If I cut, I will feel like I am worthy of it, and I am right. If I don't, I'll feel guilty, and a fasilure.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
What I really want is to cut. Or to drink much more. Or to just go to bed and wake up and it all be better

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
cause my mate is a tit. causde i have no other way to cope. cause i miss the blood and the scars

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I cut. Or drank.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I've just drank alcohol. It's my lifeline. I suppose, I could go to bed

How do I feel right now?
I feel like shit. I feel like i want to pack it all in and fuck off. Is anything really worht it?

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
I will feel more in control, more relaxed. Like I can be myself and I can get rid of all this shit

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I will feel sore and regretful, tomorrow morning. but once the soreness has worn off, ill feel ace

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I can't avoid it, only deal with it. And yes, I need to learn to deal with it better, but I can't

Do I need to hurt myself?
No, I don't. But I want to

[Not_what]

its not like it helped

you may as well ignore this

[balletomane]

It sounds like SI and alcohol are your main ways of coping right now.
How do you feel about that? Are you satisfied with these strategies? Do you feel that they serve you well in the process of recovery (if that is something important for you) or pursuing happiness?

[Not_what]

Oops, I forgot to check back here! Thank you for replying, and so quickly as well I really apreciate it

They are the main ways, more so alcohol since (except for that night) I'd lost the ability to cut, for some reason.

I don't like it. I know it's not healthy and I'm really screwing myself up for a "quick fix." They don't help me feel happy, they only help me forget. I need to find a different way of coping, and when I'm sober it's it's ok. I know what I need to do, but I can't help it. It's almost like I WANT to drink so much, and I don't, but I end up doing anyway


And I'm not making much sense. Logically, I know how I need to get myself out of this.

But realistically, I have no clue.

[balletomane]

And I'm not making much sense. Logically, I know how I need to get myself out of this.

But realistically, I have no clue.

I've experienced similar feelings before. It has been a good indication for me that it is time to get help though.

What resources do you have for help in finding healthier ways of coping? If you have a therapist or a psychiatrist, they might be helpful or at least direct you to resources to help you stop relying on alcohol to cope. Your primary care physician should also be of help in this area.

So what resources and support do you have right now? What support can you get?

[Not_what]

At least I'm not alone, phew!

At the moment, I'm seeing a C, whom I've been seeing for over a year (though only really since Jan has it been ANY kind of use). I have an appt for some Psych people in 2 weeks, and have been seeing my doctor fortnightly.

I don't talk to my C very well, I only really talk when prompted, or asked questions. I find it difficult (who doesn't) to talk about the way I feel especially. She finds me a challenging client, and admits that the majority of the time she feels she can't help me cause she can't get through my defences.

They all know that it's out of hand, but until I see these psych people, I won't know for sure what they can offer. I know that I've got "complex enough problems" to have even been considered for assesment for them, so hopefully that should be helpful.

I suppose I just gotta wait and see, really

[balletomane]

Good luck with the meeting with the psych people.

I find communicating with counselors rather difficult too. Are there specific things about her communication style that make it difficult or is it a more general thing? I know I made a few requests to my psychiatrist about the way she should address me that made things a little easier. If there is anything like that, it might be worth mentioning to her and to the psych people if you will be working with them for a while.

I'm glad you have these appointments. It shows that you are working to make things better, and I admire that.

[Not_what]

Thank You

I find it's just a general communication thing. I always thought it was because I didn't want to talk about it, but when I actually tried to, I found that I couldn't. I think it's just too painful/embarrassing and I find that it leaves me more vulnerable and helpless than what I believe I am. Plus, it's a case of once bitten, twice shy. The amount of times I've opened myself up just to get torn apart from respected people is not even worth bothering about. I think that's something I need to work on

Thank you for your support and advice