before...

[pro~vida]

How will this situation or feeling change if I hurt myself?
Well, if I did hurt myself, I know that I would feel better immediately following the act. However, I do know that it is not going to make anything really go away. But maybe that is just what I want . . . a quick fix.

What will hurting myself bring to the situation? What will it take away from the situation?
Hurting myself would bring more difficulties to the situation. I would have to worry about keeping cut hidden and even having excuses prepared. And it would take away this terrible emptiness that I am feeling, and hopefully allow me to feel something.

How do I want to feel about this in the long run? Is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I would probably feel bad about this in the long run, because giving in now would be the first time in several months. And I do not want to have any regrets about my actions.

If hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? What will I do then?
The relief will only be momentary, and then I will presented with a feeling a guilt and disgust with myself, possibly leading to another episode of cutting to cover up the resulting feelings from the first.

What is something I could do now instead of hurting myself? How will it change the situation I'm in? How long will that change last, and what will I do then?
I don't know what else I could, thus the reason for my considering cutting myself. I could talk to my boyfriend about everything, but I just don't feel like bringing that upon him now. And if I ignore it, and bury the feelings, they will come back. I don't know how to answer this question, I don't know what else to do.

How will I feel tomorrow if I hurt myself? How will I feel tomorrow if I do the other thing I came up with?
Tomorrow, I will again hate myself for giving into the urge after not SI-ing for months.

What do I really want to do right now? How can I best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
Right now I really want to be able to sit with my boyfriend, and fall asleep in his arms and feel like things are okay.

More Before Questions To Answer

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I need to feel something, I feel empty and lost and confused in myself. A culmanation of things have brought me to this point, now being home from vacation with all the accompanied stress and feeling alone and empty.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Last time I was here, I either cut myself to feel something, or just went to sleep in tears.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I haven't done anything to ease the discomfort, I am trying to just ignore it and hoping that if I avoid it long enough, then maybe it will slowly dissipate.

How do I feel right now?
I feel like no one understands what I am feeling or thinking, or how I am. I feel empty and alone and confused about myself.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
When I am hurting myself, I feel a release, I feel in control, I feel better.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I will feel a guilt and shame accompanied with the marks that have been left behind from the previous days actions.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I hope so...

Do I need to hurt myself?
Right now I don't know what else I can do productively instead.

[pro~vida]

I notice that I have urges to SI usually when things in life do not seem to be going as well as planned, to put it nicely. Which would seem obvious, the urge to cut comes more readily when you yourself are not coping well, not only with having stopped SI-ing but with life matters also.
But for some reason, recently, I am thinking about SI-ing more often then usually expected and even considering doing it again without necessarily any obvious emotional pain. And it makes me wonder whether I really wanted to stop, or just did it because of external pressures to stop. Sometimes I really don't want to start again, but other times...I do. And I don't know what to think about myself. I mean I don't want to give in a cut myself again, but then I still want to be able to feel that release that I used to. And I don't know any other way to.
It scares me that I still have such intense thoughts about cutting, and confusion about engaging in the act again.
Thoughts and advice would be appreciated! Thanks

[Stellaria]

Hey,

I can relate to your struggle. I haven't self injured much lately, but I still think of it frequently. For me, there hasn't been one single thing that replaces everything SI stood for, but rather different things to match different aspects of it. To express myself, I try to write or talk to people or paint or cry. For punishment, I do housework. To get physical sensation, I excercise or take hot/cold showers or bite into strong stuff like mints. It's not the same as SI, it's another way to live.

Change can be really hard and confusing. Can you come up with personal reasons to not SI? (you mentioned some things like having to hide marks) - is there anything there you can hold onto for now?

It sounds to me as if you are feeling lonely and unheard, is that true? Are there any steps you can take like talk to someone around you, even if it is hard, or explain things in a letter?

Sorry if I'm not much help, just wanted to respond. Hope things get better for you.

Nina