Before

[Stellaria]

Yeah it's me again... tell myself that nobody has to read it unless they want to. Posting here has helped me not to SI in the past, so I will have a go at it.

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

I'm not sure what the situation is. I'm feeling restless and tired at the same time, have been for a few days. I don't feel really depressed, I can bring myself to do things, but I'm having su thoughts.

Boyfriend is away on a business trip. I can deal with him leaving, I know he will be back soon, it's more that a source of comfort isn't around right now, and it gives me opportunity to do bad stuff.

Therapy is icky right now. No matter what we talk about, I seem to end up angry with myself for asking therapist for help, like I ought to deal with stuff on my own. T hasn't done anything to indicate that he wants to be rid of me, it's in my head, I know it's illogical.

I also know that it's illogical to feel like I'm completely useless when boyfriend just finished to tell me how very much I mean to him, and when I have kids.

It's really hard to stand feelings that don't make sense in the situation.

* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

It would bring a sensation to focus on and a feeling of control. It would be an outlet for anger. It would bring embarrassment when having to explain to b/f. It would bring new scars, or possibly the ordeal of a hospital visit.

It would take thoughts away for a while, make me numb, provide an escape.

* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I'm not sure what I want. Feeling-wise, I think I just want to feel safe and distanced from the world. More rational thinking, I want to be stronger and not run away from challenges. It doesn't match.

Hurting myself is basically a cop-out, though I find it kind of hard to predict exactly what the consequences would be.

* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

Anything from a few hours to a few days. But that seems so tempting right now, just a short break. Even if I'm back in the same situation later.

* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I find it hard to think of anything other than usual distractions, like housework, call a friend (already tried but got no answer), exercise (will go to the gym soon), read, listen to music, watch tv, eat. It would keep me busy, and apart from the eating, it's not going to hurt me or upset anyone. It's not likely to make any lasting changes, either. I'll be back in the same situation, probably.

* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

I don't know. I will probably feel frustrated either way.

* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

Right now I want to trash this post so I can go ahead and SI, but a part of me doesn't want to be such a coward. I will go do the dishes instead, and stay away from SI until tomorrow morning, then reasses.

[Stellaria]

This morning, I find it so hard to hang on. It's like the energy I'm using to keep myself from SI is running out. I really want the kick of doing it, and I keep thinking "so what, what's the big deal" and "whatever bad happens I deserve it anyway".

The one thing that is keeping me away from it right now is that I don't want to upset b/f, don't want to make him anxious about leaving on trips. It makes me sort of resentful though, as if he is keeping me from something that I want, although he certainly hasn't forbidden me to SI, but I still get resentful of the fact that I think I have to show consideration for other people. It makes me feel trapped. Like my body doesn't belong to me.

I can't think of what to do about it other than try focus on other things.

[balletomane]

Hi Stellaria.

I hope answering the questions helped. Your second post left me with one question (which you don't have to answer here of course): what are your reasons for wanting to stop self injuring? It sounds like you have a lot of reasons that involve other people, but how about the reasons that don't--the very personal ones, that deal only with you, and what you want.

Maybe reminding yourself of those reasons will help you regain a sense of control and ownership of the process of recovery. It is afterall, something you do for yourself.

I hope you're feeling a bit better at least.

[Stellaria]

Thank you very much for your reply, balletomane.

I haven't given in so far. Boyfriend is back home now, so I don't have the same golden opportunity, but I'm still struggling with the urge.

That is a good question. I will quote myself from back in February:

- I don't want to scare people close to me
- Since my self harm has tended to get worse and worse, I don't want to risk permanent injury
- I want to rediscover who I really am, without the drama of self harm getting in the way
- I need to learn how to treat myself well, so that I can have a better life. It's hard enough to deal with crap life throws at us without adding to the burden by beating myself up, mentally or physically
- I don't want to always have doctors and therapists in my life
- I don't want self harm to be a habit that controls me

I was doing pretty ok at the time, I know that what I wrote made sense then. Now it seems like so many words. Maybe if I read it over and over, I can brainwash myself into believing it again?