bus

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

I can't quite figure this out. I have actually been feeling good for the past three days, better than in weeks. And at the same time, I have intense urges to cut. It feels like a desire, like hunger or thirst. Oh, I know those are not the same as wanting to SI, just trying to describe the feeling.

I don't actually SI that frequently anymore, it's been once this year, a month ago. I went 6 months without last year. But I still don't feel like I can give it up. I still identify with it.

* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

It would bring enjoyment of the visual, the blood and gore part. It would bring a sort of pride for enduring the pain. It would bring a sense of knowing who I am. It would bring drama and make b/f upset and lots of guilt over that.

It would take away some anxiety over getting better and the empty feelings that brings - getting away from the question "who am I if I'm not a freak who cuts" by telling myself "don't worry, you're still a freak"

* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I guess I want to feel like I have a more stable sense of self, but a positive one, not a negative one like I get from cutting.

* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

I don't know how long it will last. Maybe a few days, until it's healed. I imagine I will be in the same spot again after that.

* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I can think of several things to do, though they are mostly of the distraction kind. Get dressed, go to the store and buy stuff to bake bread. Wake b/f up (it's about time he got up anyway). Do the dishes and put some laundry on. Read some more posts on bus. Go read one of the books I got from the library yesterday. Email back to a friend. Get some soil and plant seeds. Take a walk. Call brother.

I don't know. They are all good things to do, and I will probably end up doing them. But they are not going to change the fact that when I'm constructive, I feel like a big part of me is missing.

Sorry if I'm vague, I feel confused.

* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

If I hurt myself, I will probably feel numb and distant from life, maybe pleased for going through with it and yet angry with myself for messing up when things are going well.

If I get on with my day as usual, I don't know how I will feel tomorrow.

* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

Self-protection - well obviously I should do other things and not cut. I don't know if I can make the urges go away so maybe I'll just have to resign myself to enduring them for a while.

Hey.

I hope it's okay to say something about what you've written here. I don't know if I can say anything constructive, though. Just I empathise a lot with what you're describing.

Stellaria wrote:* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

I can't quite figure this out. I have actually been feeling good for the past three days, better than in weeks. And at the same time, I have intense urges to cut. It feels like a desire, like hunger or thirst. Oh, I know those are not the same as wanting to SI, just trying to describe the feeling.

I can sympathise with the need feeling that basic. I get like that sometimes, I think. I think in my case it's because there is some change that I need to make that I am being resistant to- like there is something underneath the surface somewhere that is trying to make itself felt. I don't know if that makes any sense. I now that I often find it very hard to work out what it is that I actually need or want. Often it's some sort of dissatissfaction with myself, or something along those lines.

It would take away some anxiety over getting better and the empty feelings that brings - getting away from the question "who am I if I'm not a freak who cuts" by telling myself "don't worry, you're still a freak"

I really empathise with this. At the moment I am trying to stop and I am terrified of having to be me without something to hide behind. Might it be worth trying to look at it in another way? Like- SI isn't actually something to hide behind. It's actually quuite exposing. Or maybe thinking about what a person is- that who you are is just the sum of the things you do and say and that's real and important- you doon't need to have that one identifying feature. I don't mean that either of these work for you,but I quite often find that if I am thinking something like "I wont be me without this" then if I turn that round and try and work out what I mean by it then I find a new way of seeing it and that makes me feel a bit more comfortable.

I guess I want to feel like I have a more stable sense of self, but a positive one, not a negative one like I get from cutting.

Thhe problem with this being that a positive stable sense of self takes a long time and a lot of hard work to build up, whereas the other way is easy. But ultimately self-defeating. Does it ever make you feel stable? Aside from what it might temporarily make you feel about yourself?

* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

I don't know how long it will last. Maybe a few days, until it's healed. I imagine I will be in the same spot again after that.

I don't know really- just that my initial reaction is to think from what you are saying that there is a problem somewhere around you being satisfied with yourself and that's coming out as urges. I might be being completely annoying and presumptuous in saying that, though. But if it was me I guess that's what I would be thinking. Is there anything you can do to change where you are to somewhere you would rather be? Even if it's a small and or long term goal?

I don't know. They are all good things to do, and I will probably end up doing them. But they are not going to change the fact that when I'm constructive, I feel like a big part of me is missing.

Distractions are good, but you are right that they don't change what is going on underneath. I thiink it's a bit like fighting a two-pronged attack. Distractions to beat the footsoldiers and longer term solutions to get the generals. Okay, maybe only I know where I am going with that...

Do you feel like a part of you is missing when you are feeling well and constructive, or just when you are feeling urgey? I mean, might seeing constructivity in a negative light be partly a result of feeling a bit shakey?

Sorry if I'm vague, I feel confused.

You don't sound vague to me- quite the opposite. Very clear and lucid!

Self-protection - well obviously I should do other things and not cut. I don't know if I can make the urges go away so maybe I'll just have to resign myself to enduring them for a while.

In general, do you find that if you endure them for a while then they disappear after a while? I am currently trying hard to remember that a bad day only lasts a day, so I only have to survive a day, and not the rest of my life. I don't know. It always reassures me as a thought.

I hope I haven't said anything completely wrong. Sorry if I have.

Tatty

Thank you, Tatty. You most certainly didn't say anything wrong! I guess I didn't really expect a reply, but now that I got one I very much appreciate feedback that is food for thought. I can't stay on the computer right now, have a guest in the house, but I will come back to this when I have some time for myself.

Nina

tattybluetrees wrote:

Stellaria wrote:* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

I can't quite figure this out. I have actually been feeling good for the past three days, better than in weeks. And at the same time, I have intense urges to cut. It feels like a desire, like hunger or thirst. Oh, I know those are not the same as wanting to SI, just trying to describe the feeling.

I can sympathise with the need feeling that basic. I get like that sometimes, I think. I think in my case it's because there is some change that I need to make that I am being resistant to- like there is something underneath the surface somewhere that is trying to make itself felt. I don't know if that makes any sense. I now that I often find it very hard to work out what it is that I actually need or want. Often it's some sort of dissatissfaction with myself, or something along those lines.

I sat down and tried to let go for a moment, open myself up to the feeling, and started to cry. Kind of a surprise, and yet not. I haven't completely worked it out, but there is a lot of existential angst crap going on. What's the point of living and what is my place in the scheme of things? that sort of thing. Somehow, having a good day accentuates that I'm still missing something to feel at peace with my life. It's easier when I'm feeling really crappy to imagine that once I handle this or that particular problem, then things will be ok. Safe. That it's all about beating the SI or getting over anxiety or losing weight or getting a job or making new friends or whatever. It makes me go almost numb with fear when I realise that on top of those things, I'm supposed to Get A Life.

Thoughts about SI become an escape, a concrete issue that is large enough to grab my attention, and yet not completely overwhelming.

tattybluetrees wrote:

It would take away some anxiety over getting better and the empty feelings that brings - getting away from the question "who am I if I'm not a freak who cuts" by telling myself "don't worry, you're still a freak"

I really empathise with this. At the moment I am trying to stop and I am terrified of having to be me without something to hide behind. Might it be worth trying to look at it in another way? Like- SI isn't actually something to hide behind. It's actually quuite exposing. Or maybe thinking about what a person is- that who you are is just the sum of the things you do and say and that's real and important- you doon't need to have that one identifying feature. I don't mean that either of these work for you,but I quite often find that if I am thinking something like "I wont be me without this" then if I turn that round and try and work out what I mean by it then I find a new way of seeing it and that makes me feel a bit more comfortable.

I think you are very right. When I look at other people, I don't really see them as "the guy with the big nose" or "she who loves strawberries", but as mosaics, where it's more the general pattern that makes up the person rather than one particular feature. As so often, I need to practice applying what I think about others to myself.

tattybluetrees wrote:

I guess I want to feel like I have a more stable sense of self, but a positive one, not a negative one like I get from cutting.

The problem with this being that a positive stable sense of self takes a long time and a lot of hard work to build up, whereas the other way is easy. But ultimately self-defeating. Does it ever make you feel stable? Aside from what it might temporarily make you feel about yourself?

Hmm. I think self-destructive acts do make me feel consistent. Like it puts order into things. I tend to think I am a bad person deep down, so when I do bad stuff it all adds up. When I'm being more constructive, the internal voice says I'm deceptive, and that it won't last.

Of course, another part of me does desire to survive and improve, or there wouldn't even be a problem.

tattybluetrees wrote: I don't know really- just that my initial reaction is to think from what you are saying that there is a problem somewhere around you being satisfied with yourself and that's coming out as urges. I might be being completely annoying and presumptuous in saying that, though. But if it was me I guess that's what I would be thinking. Is there anything you can do to change where you are to somewhere you would rather be? Even if it's a small and or long term goal?

Another hmmm. I find it very hard to even identify goals for myself. It's probably what I fight the most with myself over, that I lack direction and dreams now. I find it hard to imagine being somewhere else, mainly find myself in a "hanging on by tooth and nail" state.

tattybluetrees wrote: Do you feel like a part of you is missing when you are feeling well and constructive, or just when you are feeling urgey? I mean, might seeing constructivity in a negative light be partly a result of feeling a bit shakey?

I think ever since I crashed mentally seven years ago, I have felt like a part of me is missing, even when I'm having a good day. It's a freaky feeling. Like I have died already, except my body keeps breathing.

tattybluetrees wrote:

Self-protection - well obviously I should do other things and not cut. I don't know if I can make the urges go away so maybe I'll just have to resign myself to enduring them for a while.

In general, do you find that if you endure them for a while then they disappear after a while? I am currently trying hard to remember that a bad day only lasts a day, so I only have to survive a day, and not the rest of my life. I don't know. It always reassures me as a thought.

Yes, they come and go like waves. Though they obviously keep coming back, or SI wouldn't still be an issue. But the worst urges rarely last more than a few minutes at a time. It's more a question of frequency really - when the waves are not far apart, I can get fed up trying to stay on top of them. A single strong thought usually isn't enough for me to act, it's when they start to loop... Then again, that means I have some time when I notice thoughts going in that direction, to look for other actions to take. Even if for now, it's mostly in the way of temporary distraction.

Thanks. I'm not sure where I'm going with all this, but I feel more at ease after writing these things down.