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Emma Wallace · Post by **Emma Wallace** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 1:40 am

Exhale....

I'd been doing well lately, SI hadn't even been on my mind as much. And I'd had some rough days, but I made the best of it. Now tonight I'm feeling so out of control. My muscles are tense and my body just shakes.

I had one of those days where all the little things go wrong. Nothing bad happened, but it was frustrating. Then tonight I didn't get the work done I'd planned on, but it's not due tomorrow, so it really isn't a problem.

There's not much to explain why I'm feeling this way, except maybe I got past the worst and when I go to relax that's when it hits me. That's my current theory.

I've been thinking about having a drink all evening. But I know that's not a good way to cope. So, I didn't, but then the urge to cut hit my hard a few minutes back. Typing is helping.

I'm using willpower to try to get passed this, like I usually do. And that's working alright, but I think I need to do more. I'm trying to breath evenly. I'm thinking about going to bed early. I'll be fine in the morning. It will be hard to get to sleep early, so I'll read for fun until I drift off.

I want to have a drink. That usually makes me drowsy and it would do something about the tension, but if I don't stop after one or two that will do more harm than good. I am still trying to breath.

I know I don't need to cut. I've gone long enough that I have a little bit of distance. But it would be a relief, and it would feel good. I feel embarassed saying that, but it would.

A very big reason not to cut is that my boyfriend is having a rough time lately, and this would be hard on him. Another good reason would be that it would end my SI free streak of several months. It would be almost 6 months, but I had a slip in February, and I start counting again from zero after slips. It gives me more incentive not to let myself slip up.

Okay, I have a plan. I am going to have a single drink (better that than cutting) and then curl up in bed with a book. I am going to get offline for the night because when I'm feeling this way I stay up late feeling worse and worse.

I think I'll go read the scarily vast list too for some new ideas. I have my usual stand bys, and they work, but some flexibility would be great.

Reread this post. I'm starting to feel like I have an alcohol problem. But I can only deal with one thing at a time.
-E

Emma Wallace · Post by **Emma Wallace** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 2:03 am

Well, that plan was starting to go well. Drinking has a huge placebo effect on me and I was starting to unwind. And then when I start to think that I'm past the worst, my anxiety spikes again.

I am not allowed to have another drink. I'm being firm with myself about this. I'm rethinking my plan. I'm not sure if I can curl up in bed feeling as tense as I do now. So, instead I am going to lay on the floor doing breathing exercises and try to take them seriously.
-E

Emma Wallace · Post by **Emma Wallace** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 2:10 am

That seems to have helped some. I'm going to make a beeline for my bed now. Hopfully I will have nothing more to say tonight and that will mena my plan was working.
-E

plantt · Post by **plantt** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 5:03 am

I had one of those days where all the little things go wrong. Nothing bad happened, but it was frustrating. Then tonight I didn't get the work done I'd planned on, but it's not due tomorrow, so it really isn't a problem.
--how do you deal with feeling frustrated?
often for me it is the 'small' stuff that's tougher to deal with than the 'big' in part because it seems so small & i figure it shouldn't matter so i ignore it till i simply become more upset. little stuff definitely counts =)

I'm using willpower to try to get passed this, like I usually do.
--how are you defining 'willpower'?
i can use it in a couple different ways. one being simply avoiding/ignoring/denying that anything's wrong & then trying to force myself through. another being using everything i know how to get myself through... using every skill at my disposal whether or not i like it or 'want to'... the second is definitely more helpful & healthy. i don't use the term 'willpower' though i just say 'deal with' or such as in 'yeah, whatever, i've just gotta deal with it

'

I know I don't need to cut. I've gone long enough that I have a little bit of distance. But it would be a relief, and it would feel good. I feel embarassed saying that, but it would.
--something i can definitely relate to =) i'm setly determined to stop si. i know that regardless of what i can tell myself si is a choice. it doesn't mean that it loses it's appeal though. far too often it's still in my mind saying 'butbutbut just do it anyway'

some flexibility would be great
--*nods* sometimes something other than the usual is nice

hope reading helps =)

Emma Wallace · Post by **Emma Wallace** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 12:40 pm

Little stuff: doesn't usually get to me, and wasn't getting to me too much yesterday. I was fine through all of it, but later that night when things were going well was when my anxiety started acting up.

Willpower: I want to cut and I just don't let myself. It doesn't have much finess, but I can't usually make it work.

I woke up still feeling like my body was made of piano wire. I got off to sleep easily, but I don't seem to have slept very well. I'm expecting details today on bad news I got a few days ago, so chances are high I will be back here again tonight.
-E

Emma Wallace · Post by **Emma Wallace** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 9:55 pm

So, next day update.

I fell asleep easily, but didn't sleep well, so I am not feeling much better yet. Sometimes a good night's sleep fixes everything, but it didn't. I'm still tense as all hell and shaking. I'm trying to find a new way to deal with that since my plan yesterday didn't work so well.

So, my plan for today needs to be different because I am going to my boyfriends parents house for dinner. I need to try to find something I can do to cope that I can do in public and without seeming antisocial. Exhale.

So. I went to the big list, but there don't seem to be so many that work with other people around. At least not that I could find eaily. I'm thinking I'll just focus on breathing as much as I can.

I really don't want to break my SI free streak. But I'm feeling so out of control and I don't really feel like I can stop myself. I think I need to have my boyfriend stay with me tonight after dinner. I don't think I should be alone right about now.
-E

Smeagol · Post by **Smeagol** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 10:36 pm

Hi Emma,

You say you're feeling really out of control. Are there any other control substitutes you can use, for example tidying where you live, or planning in minute detail what you're going tomorrow? I know this won't help with this evening, and I'm afraid I don't have any ideas for that, but it might help in general.

otherwise, can you think about waht it is about si that is what you need? Is it the focussing? Is it the doing something? Is the seeing a mark of your struggles? If you can figure that out, then that might take you closer to figuring out what will help deal with the urge, rather than just willpowering it through.

Good luck tonight.

Emma Wallace · Post by **Emma Wallace** » Wed Apr 05, 2006 12:34 pm

What I mean by feeling out of control, is that I feel like I can't stop myself from SI. When the urges are bad I feel very out of control. Which is a scary feeling because usually I can stop myself.

Why do I want to SI? I know it will ease the tension, and so many other things don't. So I suppose it's a relaxation thing mostly. Sometimes it's because I want to, because it's enjoyable.

And sometimes I just feel really self-destructive. And then I want to SI, or drink or take pills or stop myself from eating, anything, really. Anything I can do to myself. And that's not (as far as I can tell) me trying to punish myself. That's a part of me I am not sure that I understand.
-E

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