Before...

[Estrella]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I will be able to think more clearly...but i guess the situation wont change...

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? it will bring a sense of empowerment, make me feel more in control of myself. it will also take away some control, because i let the part of me that wants to cut win.


how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? I want to not feel like this anymore. Cutting will help me not think, even for a second, so maybe would help...i dont know.


if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
Relief will only last while i am doing it and maybe a little while later. Afterwards, either i will cut again, or just...hmm..i dont know

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? I am iming someone, but shes about to go to bed...i dont know...i feel like if i tried to sleep, i'd have a panic attack. i really just dont know...


how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? I think tomorrow it wont matter that i hurt myself. i dont know what else to do...i guess try to distract myself, but really that only works for so long


what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I think i really would like to just be able to sleep...but i cant


Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I feel like everyone hates me, or is mad at me. my grandma has total disdain for me and told me that ive destroyed the family. my one friend wont talk to me.. and my boyfriend should hate me, im a total bitch to him...i hate me for it


Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? i have felt this way before, though it seems i keep sinking lower in it every time. i dealt with it by cutting or making myself throw up or writing inmy journal.


What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I was iming my friend. i dont know. play a game. i just dont know.

How do I feel right now?
nervous, and like my stomach hurts kind of. i feel sad, and like crying but i cant do it. i feel worthless.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself? i will feel relieved, and just like i want to get everything bad out that im thinking...


How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
right after, i'll feel ok or maybe want to do more...but then probably feel upset that i did it and annoyed. tomorrow morning, maybe just sore, but not really anything else. maybe i'd look at my arm and be annoyed with how it looks.


Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? i dont know. i hope i can deal with it better in the future.


Do I need to hurt myself?

i dont know. im going to try to distract myself for a while. im just having a rough time.

[Smeagol]

Hi

I'm interested that you say that cutting will help you both think more clearly and not think. What exactly do you mean by that? Is it that you'll feel calmer, for example, and that your thoughts won't race so much?

I also wondered whethe r you could work out what exactly it is about si-ing that would achieve this. Is it, for example, that it would be a process to focus on and that would be soothing? If you can work this out, is there anything else you could do which would do that, e.g. cleaning something and trying to do it really well? Or could you do mindfulness exercises to ground you in the present and focus all your attention on something other than your thoughts?

but shes about to go to bed...i dont know...i feel like if i tried to sleep, i'd have a panic attack. i really just dont know...

Are there other thingsyou could do which mean you don't have to go to bed and to sleep yet? Can you get yourself ready for bed and then do one of these until your eyes are just so heavy that you can sleep?

I feel like everyone hates me, or is mad at me. my grandma has total disdain for me and told me that ive destroyed the family. my one friend wont talk to me.. and my boyfriend should hate me, im a total bitch to him...i hate me for it

It sounds like you're doing a lot of mind-reading here. Do you know that your friend really isn't talking to you? Do you know why? Can you find out? As for your bf, have you talked to him about this? Rather than hating yourself can you come up with a plan for doing less of whatever you consider "being a total bitch", or at least talking to him about what leads you to act this way and seeing if you can work something out together?

How will I feel when I am hurting myself? i will feel relieved, and just like i want to get everything bad out that im thinking...

If you need to get your thoughts out, can you write them down? Not necessarily on here, buton paper. Some people even like to do this in the dark. You don't have to read them. You can even rip them up or burn them afterwards if that helps. Just do a stream of consciousness until you don't have anything to sayanymore.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Thinking of you.

[Estrella]

hi, thank you for your response so soon...

Yes, i do mean that my thoughts wont race so much while i am cutting...and i guess i really dont know why cutting will do that for me...i think its the ouch factor mixed with seeing it and maybe also the act of doing something, i dontknow...i'll have to think more about that.

Also, yes, my psychologist that ive recently started seeing also believes i do a lot of "mind reading". so thanks for bringing that to my attention. and since ive posted, ive found out that my friend was not mad at me...and i think im so mean to my boyfriend when i feel sad and i feel like i cant talk to him. so i should probably talk to him about that and tell him how i feel.

And the writing things down in the dark and then tearing it up and throwing it away is a great idea! i'd never thought of that before, but i love it, andi think i will use it sometime. anyway, i didnt cut. and i dont think i will tonight. Thanks so much.

[Smeagol]

I'm really glad I was able to help.

The writing down in the dark and then tearing it up actually came up in the workshop somewhere (Paradoxis mentioned it). Maybe it would help to start following that forum sometimes? There's lots of good discussions going on in there.

Well done you for not cutting. That's really good. I hope you get to sleep and that things feel more manageable soon.