After... :-(

[black_23]

what had happened just before?
My mum had rung me in tears, becuase she doesnt know what to do with my little brother, he's sad and 11 wont go anywhere and teary. Was powerless to do anything, shes gona send him to councillor and feels bad and I feel pants as cant be there.

what were you thinking and feeling?
That I was powerless, that I was selfish for going away and enoying my life when it could and now has affected my bro. how if only i could cut it would deal with that part, i could punish myself for being horrid.


why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
Just all I could think about, the fact i cant do anything was enough.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
I didnt feel like I had any choice. scoured the shops looking for stuff to do it with, and (i guess lucly if couldnt find anything sold out! hence cuts not as bad as could be - for which stupidly i feel worse).

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
Lack of sleep cant remember last time slept prop whoch driving me mad. now drinking which not helping. Could not drink i guess bt i seem to be doing that more and more. my b/friend wont talk to me about si anymore and says he'll use it against me if i do, which scares the hell out of me.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
Nothing stupiudly it just happend

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
talking, i did go for walk round block at work, they were really good, cos was all teary after talking to my mum

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
Breath, rationalise and not fantasise.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
I dont know what to do, it all hangs on how net week goes

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Prob when my mum rings me in tears. Just need to stop blaming myself but its never that easy. must be bad as im hullincainting agian.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again?
writing, talking, not drinking!

Sorry I know this sound pathetic I could kinda deal wit the SI if it wasnt for he fatc i feel so bad about my brother.

[Smeagol]

what had happened just before?
My mum had rung me in tears, becuase she doesnt know what to do with my little brother, he's sad and 11 wont go anywhere and teary. Was powerless to do anything, shes gona send him to councillor and feels bad and I feel pants as cant be there.

Do you feel you should be there? It's great that you care and you want to be there, but you're not a bad person for not being there. Sometimes that's the way life works.

what were you thinking and feeling?
That I was powerless, that I was selfish for going away and enoying my life when it could and now has affected my bro. how if only i could cut it would deal with that part, i could punish myself for being horrid.

I can understand feeling powerless, but again, why do you feel you should be there? There's nothing wrong with enjoying your life. It's your life. You not enjoying your life won't solve your brother's problems, or your mothers. I really don't believe you're being horrid by going away. And if you were doing something wrong, is there something you could do which would make you feel less horrid but which adds to the situation? E.g. if you send your mum a card sayking you're thinking of her and you're sorry you're not there to help. That's turning your guilt to something constructive.

I didnt feel like I had any choice. scoured the shops looking for stuff to do it with, and (i guess lucly if couldnt find anything sold out! hence cuts not as bad as could be - for which stupidly i feel worse).

You always have a choice. You can choose how you respond to things. I know it may not feel like that, and sometimes that hope is just too distant to be able to cling on to, but it's true. If you wanted to punish yourself, could you have tried some of the stuff oncoping? LIke doing housework or something you hate doing but you know you should do, like sorting out paperwork? That would give you something to feel proud of when you got done as well.

driving me mad. now drinking which not helping. Could not drink i guess bt i seem to be doing that more and

Why have you started drinking more? Is this something you could work on not doing, before it gets into a habit?

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
talking, i did go for walk round block at work, they were really good, cos was all teary after talking to my mum

That's really good. Yay you! Could you perhaps have tried the 15 minute rule? That would go with your breathing thing as well, helping to calm you down.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
I dont know what to do, it all hangs on how net week goes

Can you plan for how you're going to respond if things go badly? Instead of waiting for events and then just responding, could you start planning for that and thinking through it now when it's not actually there facing you. for example, what will you do if counselling doesn't go well? Can you buy yourself a nice book or music to look forward to to enjoy if you get more distressing phone calls? Events don't have to determine your feelings. You can learn to choose how you will respond. Maybe advance preparation would help.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Prob when my mum rings me in tears. Just need to stop blaming myself but its never that easy. must be bad as im hullincainting agian.

I think it's really good that you can recognise that you're blaming yourself when that's unjustified. Youa re not responsible for other people's actions or choices. You are responsible for how *you* react to things, and they are responsible for how *they* react to things. Try and concentrate on your reactions. Not only is that a healthy thing fo ryou, but I also think that if you can do that healthily then you'll be in a better position to help others. No, you're not bad for getting distressed and hurting. That shows you care. But maybe you can learn to transform that distress and sadness into more constructive things.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

[black_23]

Thank you for replying, just got myself into such a state last night. My friend whose ill started talking abut her will too and it was all too much. I guess its selfish but i find it really hard to deal wth. Im there for her and will do anything i can,but in my own head im screaming.

I guess i also feel guilty cos Im not there just to cheer my brother up when he's down, and I know that I cnt be there always but just hearing him sad is hard. Im gona do what you said though and send my bro a card this week to make him smile. Least that way i might feel less powerless too?!

Think im going to try and make a coping list this week, so I can do what you said abut having choices. it usually gets to late and im overtired to cope with everything. But Ive bought myself some sleep tea so hoping that will help. Suonds daft i know.

As far as drinking goes, i used to reply on it to block everything out a while ago, but got it undercontrol. Everything just seems to be sliding at the moment, cos i feel lke im on my own. My main person i could tlk to irl doesnt want to know anymore.

Im just not sure how to handle everythng happening with out having an outlet.

[tattybluetrees]

I hope you don't miind me jumping in the conversation here.

First, I hope you're doing better. It sounds like things are really tough for you. I think, from what you have said, that anyone would be round about breaking point trying to deal with all that, so I think it's important that you recognise that and aren't too hard on yourself. Yes, things are hard, and it's okay to feel down, to sometimes not be able to cope. The important thing is to learn to not cope in ways which are safer.

Making a coping list soounds like a really good idea.

Im just not sure how to handle everythng happening with out having an outlet.

This seems perfectly reasonable. I would say that the answer is that you can't cope with everything without having an outlet, and so you need to work on finding one. There are always people around here on BUS. Don't know if you have a place thread (not been around much for a while) but I know that having somewhere to write things down and knowing that they were being read helped me a lot when things were really grim.

Getting some herbal teas doesn't sound silly- sounds like a great idea. One of the most basic things and one that I have most trouble remembering is that things are always worse when you are tired, hungry, or hungover. Could you work on being able to recognise early signs of tiredness et cetera? I know that I have a hard time realising that I am tired until I am actually prostrate on the floor screaming. It's something I am working hard on picking up before it becomes a problem.

I can sympathise with how you feel about your little brother, too. But you shouldn't feel guilty for leaving and getting on with your own life. Your first responsibility is to you. If nothing else, you are no good to other people when you are miserable. Make yourself strong, and then do what you can for others. Your life is yours and you have to make the most of it. Sending him things in the post to make him smile sounds like a really good idea. Make it clear to him that he can always phone you- that sort of thing. But don't beat yourself up because there really is only so much you can do.

Take care of yourself.

Tatty