Before

[Stellaria]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

Good question. Will anything change? I guess it would only shift focus, there would be the immediate need to take care of wounds overshadowing thoughts and feelings.

Thinking about the future, that I'm never getting out of this stuck situation, that I'm a bad person for not knowing what to do and for not having dreams to pursue. Am worried that I haven't heard from the state insurance office yet, don't know if my money is sorted or not and I'm scared of calling them. Also - especially - thinking that I'm a freak for reacting badly to seeing friends, even with people I really like and want to see, I end up feeling overwhelmed and trapped. Recently, I spent a couple of days with a very good friend, and it knocked me out emotionally. Friday, I went to a social event and I still feel upset.

Feeling afraid. Angry at myself. Invaded.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

It would bring action on a very basic and physical level. It would bring a feeling of protecting myself against people (something like "you can't hurt me because I already did it myself"). It would bring guilt of upsetting loved ones. It would bring discomfort Thursday when I have a doctor's appointment as he would then see the wounds.

It would take away some of this horrible tension. It would distract from thoughts.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I want to not have a constant knot in my stomach. I want to be able to enjoy the company of friends without dread of what feelings will be stirred up. I want to feel like a human, not a semi-invisible monster.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

Maybe a few days even. Then I guess I'll be back in the same spot.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

Go to the gym, get some physical action that's not harmful. Might lower the tension for a few hours. Then talk to T tomorrow and be honest about where I am and not avoid stuff. Keep talking/emailing to friends even though it's hard. Have some patience, there's still a few days before the insurance office should reply to me, if I haven't heard anything by the end of the week I will call. Find out what I need paperwise to apply to courses before deadline, even if it's unlikely that I can go. Try to do something nice for my boyfriend just because I can.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

If I hurt myself, I will probably mostly feel numb, perhaps a little proud and guilty.

If I do other stuff, I don't know for sure how I will feel, it's less predictable.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I want to cut but I can see that it's not rational, am going to give other stuff a chance. It's not going to be comfortable, but I will try to remember that hurting myself isn't comfortable either.

[mallie]

Stellaria, I'm glad you're going to give other options a try first. It looks like you worked pretty hard on answering these questions, I hope it started to make things a little clearer for you.

The idea of it being difficult to be with friends seems like a particularly prevalent one. I wish I could be more constructive, but I don't have any particular insights or ideas to share, but can tell you that you're definitely not alone. I need time to myself to unwind after social interaction, even when it has been very positive interaction, I still need time to recover.

Do you have any ideas on why you feel so trapped when you're with people? Are you able to say that you need to get away if you're feeling overwhelmed, or do you feel that you can't leave that situation? Have you had these feelings for a long time, or is it more recent?

[Stellaria]

Thank you Mallie for your thoughtful reply.

I have been to the gym, which helped some, and plan to spend the rest of the evening with my b/f around so no opportunity to do stupid things.

Do you have any ideas on why you feel so trapped when you're with people? Are you able to say that you need to get away if you're feeling overwhelmed, or do you feel that you can't leave that situation? Have you had these feelings for a long time, or is it more recent?

I don't recall feeling like this when I was younger. Not that I have ever been a centre-of-attention person, but I wasn't terribly shy either. I think this has developed in the last 5-6 years, and it seems to be getting worse. Something to do with letting people close - I'm both scared of them not liking me, and of them approving of me as that brings a sense of them expecting things from me that I may not be able to live up to. Also, the almost tactile sensation of other people in the room - it's like I need to be very alert, take everything in, and that becomes tiring.

One thing is that practically all my friends don't live in my town, so I can't just drop over for a short chat and a coffee. When I see them, it's always a bit of a project, I or they are supposed to stay for several hours or even days, so it gets intense. I have tried to explain to a couple of them and they have been understanding. It's more me who gets upset when I feel myself spacing out. I do enjoy seeing them, I just can't stand it.

I think I used to be a lot more shut off and unaware emotionally than I am now, I had a thicker skin and things didn't get to me in the same way. Which was useful in some respects and disastrous in others. Sometimes I long for feeling numb, but there isn't really any going back.