bus

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

Nothing. I don't need to hurt myself. I cognitively know that. It just feeld so damn good. It's such a rush and I desire that so much right now. I feel almost as if I've already messed up via my slip yesterday that I might as well cut again.


Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Yes, I either avoided the urge and felt happy with it. Avoided the urge for a period of time and gave in, or just gave in. I know that I felt a mutitude of emotions, but right now, I recall nothing. I feel imcrediby impartial to any of this.


What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

There isn't really discomfort though. It's so odd. It's just like a routine, a thing that always feels good. I'm not significantly depressed tonight or anything. I just desire the rush. Nothing else gives me it. I could go to sleep, but it wouldn't achieve the same effects.


How do I feel right now?

Tired, achey.


How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Euphoric. In control. Amazing.


How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

I'll feel slight guilt and obvious discomfort but overall still euphoric. Tomorrow morning, I'll feel pretty shitty because I'll have to endure yet another day of frumpy sweatpants because jeans are just too uncomfortable.


Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

I still don't think the stressor is aparent to me. If the stressor is my "addiction," then I am trapped and can't truly avoid it. I wish I had a better idea what the hell the stressor was.


Do I need to hurt myself?

No. But I'm stupid enough that I probably will..


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I hate it when I use these to only fuel my urges. I'm horrible.

Hi Kelsey.

No. But I'm stupid enough that I probably will..

You aren't stupid.

I hate it when I use these to only fuel my urges.

Can you talk about this more? What is the most effective way for you to use these questions? What is the least effective way?


It sounds like the ritual/habit of SI is very appealing to you (in addition to the rush). Would it help to have another ritual to replace SI? Is there anything else that gives you a rush that isn't harmful? It might not be possible to find the one activity that will perfectly replace SI, but maybe a combination of things would work.

You also mentioned feeling tired and achey. Does that tend to have any impact on your mood or SI?


I hope you are staying safe.

Take care of yourself and feel free to PM me, Kelsey.

love,
b

I found it interesting that you said you'd feel "Euphoric. In Control. Amazing" while hurting yourself. I find myself (and I haven't cut in over a year) wanting to hurt myself the most when I'm stressed out and I don't feel like I have any control over the situation I'm in. Do you feel like that too? I know for my SI was a lot about control....if I had control over nothing else, I had control over this. Perhaps that's something to think about...although I could be completely off base. Take care of yourself.

notmardy

If the stressor is my "addiction," then I am trapped and can't truly avoid it.
--not true =) people overcome addictions all the time.

--slipping sets you back in terms of urges. giving in does make it more difficult the next while. which i find can be helpful in terms of reminding myself why to *not*

It's just like a routine, a thing that always feels good
--what other routines do you have?

No. But I'm stupid enough that I probably will
--would it really be worth it in the long-run?