After ... after

[Laura]

I SIed yesterday morning, and again this afternoon. It had been about 6 weeks since last time.

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  
  Pretty much. Now that I'm home I need to re-do it more properly, but it's ok.
• what had happened just before?
  
  Yesterday morning ... nothing really. I just got up and got ready for work, and noticed I had a little time to ___
  Today - a lot of things got on top of me, I freaked out, cried buckets, tried desperately to sit and chill out and get over it ... but in the end I wasn't becoming more ok, and I needed to function.
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  
  Yesterday it was "well I haven't done it for a while, and I am feeling a bit rough and I see pdoc later today so I am allowed to"
  Today it was "Well I've ruined everything anyway, but I'm at work and I have to do my job and I can't in this state. I have to make myself ok."
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  
  Yesterday - no final straw. Gradual over the weeks. Maybe the pdoc appt brought it into focus.
  Today - yep: I forgot to teach a class. !!!!! I've been in the job 2 months. You can't just "forget" to teach. Suddenly all the things I've been managing to do at my new job, I'd been telling myself I was coping, getting through each thing one by one.... but no: the number of things I was doing was just too much and teaching slipped my mind and that's a serious mistake and despite that I *still* had to give a seminar in the afternoon so I had to make myself stop crying and do that.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  
  I really don't know. My workload isn't unreasonable. They are all perfectly ok tasks that I ought to be capable of. If I compare how much I'm doing to how little I was doing so recently, signed off my last job due to mental health ... it's astonishing.
  Maybe I should tell my new employer about my mental health, try to be allowed to cut back a bit. I've considered that, but haven't found an opportunity and I'm not certain it's something I want to do.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  
  I'm taking my meds. I'm forcing myself to go to bed at a decent hour. I can't force myself to sleep, though - overthinking about some of the stuff does keep me awake some times.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  
  I did my best to put right the teaching issue - emailed all my students and apologised, offered them time if they need more help. Emailed the course organiser to explain and apologise. It helped, but not fast enough - it was some hours before I got a response.
  I sat, still, and tried to just calm, not worrying about the next thing (the seminar) but just sitting and breathing. I managed to stop crying, but every time I tried to speak just started again.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  
  No. I was at work. I need self-control and if sitting calmly doesn't give it, then what will?
  
  What might have helped, was that at my pdoc appt the day before I wish I'd managed to actually talk to him and tell him how things really are. In fact I just was quiet, then hostile, then refused everything. He's new and I don't trust him. But it scares me that I tell them I'm ok when I'm not.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
  
  I'll try to remember this time, and that it's not the end of the world.
  I'll try not to forget stuff again. Maybe there's a calendar thing for my work computer.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  
  Well I did the seminar, but there's still a very stressful week ahead - visiting other places, giving presentations. More stress and away from home, too.
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  
  Yes. I do recognise it. I just don't know what to do about it.
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
  
  I can think of ways to try to communicate better next pdoc appointment - but that's 2 months away.
  I can't think of ways to cope if I really freak out at work. Most coping strategies aren't possible or allowed there.

[beachgirl]

I can't think of ways to cope if I really freak out at work. Most coping strategies aren't possible or allowed there.

Hi - First, I hope it's okay to reply here. I'm really sorry that things spiralled so far out of control; it really sounds like a difficult day.

If it's okay, I thought of a couple of things that might help at work. If you can, perhaps you could go for a short walk. Sometimes just getting out in the air can help. If you can't do that, then maybe a walk to the restroom will help some. Take some deep breaths while you are there. Actually, very long, slow deep breaths can help no matter where you are.

I find it helps me to calm down to get some water to sip on; perhaps you can keep a bottle of water and a cup at your office if there is no place to get some. Maybe keep some mints or other hard candies for the same purpose. Hmmm...is it possible to sneak in a game of computer solitaire? That can be both mindless and absorbing enough to occupy an upset mind.

Maybe you could make some sort of mini-coping box or at least a "coping list" to keep at work. It is hard to remember the good and healthy things when you are so upset.

Take gentle care.
Susie