before
Posted: Wed Mar 08, 2006 8:58 pm
It is over 6 months since I si'd. I've had urges but never felt this close to it...
how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
The situation won't change. Its not possible to truly change things with a cut or a bruise. The feelings probably won't really change either, not in the medium or long term. But in the short term I will get a distraction from the thoughts and feelings racing around in my head and body. The pain will feel better. It will feel truer to how I feel than showing myself compassion. That doesn't sit well with how stupid I am being.
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will take away the longing to do it. The nagging feeling, the constant thoughts about 'I could....'. It will take away the wondering if it will help. It will take away the pain in my stomach, and the one in my heart, because I will have a new, cleaner pain instead. It will bring me a focus, a visual and real sense of my pain and struggle. (God, this all sounds so cliched
) It will bring a sense of justice. What I deserve.
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
That's the trouble. That in these times of crisis 'long term' seems to cease to exist. The future stops having any meaning in a real sense. This isn't about long term. The struggle every day is for the long term good. Not hurting, eating, therapy, thats all about long term. And the point is that long term isn't happening. I cannot, when I am in the thick of it, see any long term gains after so much bloody hard work. And I know that on a better day there is gain, there is improvement. But that is wiped out right now. I want to be able to say that I want to feel better, whole, and that si won't help. But actually right now I don't know if thats the truth. Maybe I don't care about that any more. The 'normality', the whole life, the living. Its far far too far away to believe in it. How do I want to feel in the long run? I don't. I don't want the long run any more.
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
The relief will last only while I do it, and while I continue to bleed. The satisfaction will last longer, a few days until the pain eases. The sense of things being 'right'. What will I do then? Probably be really furious at myself. Not a usual feeling after si, but I think that because I have gone so long without, I will regret it. I will feel tired, spent. I will feel somehow validated, like I have proved to myself how bad it is right now.
Will have to come back to the rest...
Feeling pretty awful...
how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
The situation won't change. Its not possible to truly change things with a cut or a bruise. The feelings probably won't really change either, not in the medium or long term. But in the short term I will get a distraction from the thoughts and feelings racing around in my head and body. The pain will feel better. It will feel truer to how I feel than showing myself compassion. That doesn't sit well with how stupid I am being.
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will take away the longing to do it. The nagging feeling, the constant thoughts about 'I could....'. It will take away the wondering if it will help. It will take away the pain in my stomach, and the one in my heart, because I will have a new, cleaner pain instead. It will bring me a focus, a visual and real sense of my pain and struggle. (God, this all sounds so cliched
) It will bring a sense of justice. What I deserve.how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
That's the trouble. That in these times of crisis 'long term' seems to cease to exist. The future stops having any meaning in a real sense. This isn't about long term. The struggle every day is for the long term good. Not hurting, eating, therapy, thats all about long term. And the point is that long term isn't happening. I cannot, when I am in the thick of it, see any long term gains after so much bloody hard work. And I know that on a better day there is gain, there is improvement. But that is wiped out right now. I want to be able to say that I want to feel better, whole, and that si won't help. But actually right now I don't know if thats the truth. Maybe I don't care about that any more. The 'normality', the whole life, the living. Its far far too far away to believe in it. How do I want to feel in the long run? I don't. I don't want the long run any more.
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
The relief will last only while I do it, and while I continue to bleed. The satisfaction will last longer, a few days until the pain eases. The sense of things being 'right'. What will I do then? Probably be really furious at myself. Not a usual feeling after si, but I think that because I have gone so long without, I will regret it. I will feel tired, spent. I will feel somehow validated, like I have proved to myself how bad it is right now.
Will have to come back to the rest...
Feeling pretty awful...
