bus

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? it won't change. i'll still feel the pain. i'll still feel worthless and like i'm nothing. i'll still feel like i deserve to hurt myself.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? it'll validate my feelings of deserving to be in pain.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? i want to be happy. i want to know that i'm free from all this pain once and for all. i don't want to hurt anymore

what do i really want to do right now? i want to hug my boyfriend. i want him to tell me that i'm beautiful and i want him to make me like i could be special, like he used too.

it'll validate my feelings of deserving to be in pain.
--really those don't sound like feelings to validate.
to sit & tell myself 'i'm worthless & Should be hurting & must do things to prove that....' that's a vicious dangerous unhelpful cycle. & to validate that & perpetuate the cycle isn't too effective.

i want to be happy. i want to know that i'm free from all this pain once and for all. i don't want to hurt anymore
--what emotion do you think those thoughts are stemming from? not wanting to hurt is a valid thing... not many people enjoy that. life isn't always happy. for some of us it rarely is. causing more hurt by convincing ourselves that we "deserve" that & then to do things that keep us in that pain... isn't too helpful towards working to be happy.

i want to hug my boyfriend. i want him to tell me that i'm beautiful and i want him to make me like i could be special, like he used too.
--tell yourself that =) do things that make you feel beautiful. find ways to make yourself feel special. find other things to hug (fuzzy blankets & smallish creatures work rather well sometimes).
it's hard. very much so. to really want someone else to be around. they aren't always...

hope things are going a bit better for you atm