few days after

[pandablue]

What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
It was a huge one.

Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
Both I knew i would be alone and i knew i had a good excuse
i totally planned it


What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
I probably would not have gotten myself into the mood to need it.


If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
not sure most likely decreased


What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
all of these played a part in my doing it. Had a new tool from Christmas...long story but was deff triggered by it since. Being alone and knowing i was going to be alone then i had an anniversary that sometimes bugs me and sometimes doesn't I'm thinking it wouldn't have been such a big deal but i wanted to si so i worked myself into a feeling i could rationalise to others...people who might notice new wound.
So yea all theae things just kinda fell in place


If your opportunities were taken away, how would you feel?
I might still be missing si most likely wouldn't have slipped in fact i'm sure i wouldn't have...

now i'm thinking i need to make it bigger because it wasn't as big as my last and so it goes on
will not have the opportunity until next week so well i'll see i'm thinking by then my mind will work better for lack of another way of saying it.

I did do some positive stuff on the day but in the end i did what i wanted to and that was si

[ChaseThisLight]

It's really hard when you're in that mindset already to avoid SI. I probably don't have much advice to give, other than I read and it's a tough position to be in. Take care of yourself.

[pandablue]

thanks mardy


this may sound silly but in a few days i may be back

my hub is going out of town so big opportunity

instead of fighting it so hard just do it

the struggle bugs me

i'm already forgetting how bad i feel afterwards so

yea i'm not sure what i'm saying here

plans are starting to formulate in my mind i guess

[ghoulie13]

hey panda i am here if you need me...


be good and take care of you..

[pandablue]

I'm kinda before but not

I told myself that the last time i si'd was it

yeah i know i know

but this is it it was the day my friend died i didn't know at the time that she was already gone and actually she wasn't yet but it was the same day

so i'm telling myself i wont do it again for her. but then i think i'm setting myself up for a huge fall if and when i do.
i think i'm putting myself in a place to feel extreme guilt so then i tell myself to go ahead and si so i won't have all this time built up and wont be so bad to fall now instead of latter...

ok i'm confusing myself
best not to think about it i guess

i am here if you need me...

thanks so much ghoulie it means a lot to know that