bus

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

~One part of the situation will not change. The other part of the situation...I need to change.....But I need someone to he me change some of it....But I won't ask anyone to help me because it's my own problem, and why should someone come in and clean my apartment when I made the mess? And then there's school.....
~I'm almost 11 months since my last SU attempt.....I feel like complete shit if I try. I've held out for so long and I want to go longer.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

~Have to hide the cuts from my parents if it gets that far...and then I'll have to explain to my T what I did....She's understanding of my cutting....
~Um....well....if I give into the SU thoughts, another trip to the hospital or possibly worse if I don't get a control on them.....

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

~I don't care if I cut or not
~I want to be able to say I got through some of the worst suicidal urges I've had lately....and get my 11 months.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

~A matter of hours....or I'll be okay for a few days.....And then I'll just deal with the urges when I get them again.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

~I could get dressed, get my shit packed up to go home.....Go on my planned shopping trip....Not going to change the situation too much....I'll just be away from some things for a temporary amount of time. I'll deal.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

~If I attempted....I'd feel like shit...I'd hate myself and I'd probably cut myself for doing it. I'm not going to feel any better by what I have to do today. I don't want to go shopping.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

~I want my T. That's not an option though, not for a week. And I couldn't dare tell her how I'm feeling by calling her in a couple days and leaving her a message. I could just....cut...nothing more....


Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

~I feel like I don't need to be here....That I'm selfish and that everyone would be better off without me....Normal thoughts...I guess....

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

~More times than I care to remember....I wrote in my journal, tried to do something else...slept....I felt better but....I just can't feel better.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

~I slept....When I started having these urges/thoughts last night.....Nothing I do won't hurt me in some way right now....

How do I feel right now?

~Tired....somewhat suicidal...I hurt...my body hurts.....Trying to keep control of the su thoughts....

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

~Better....if I cut....The other option....I feel like shit and realize it's wrong if I gave in.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

~I'd have to hurt myself to find out because right now, I don't know.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

~Not a way

Do I need to hurt myself?

~Yes.

Do I need to hurt myself?

~Yes.
--thought or reality?
you listed a few things you could've done other than hurting yourself... what leads you to believe that regardless of options you *need* to hurt yourself?

Thought, mostly. I guess when I feel really low the only option I have is to hurt myself, even if I have tried my other options. Maybe I need to think more about what I can do to not hurt myself other than just jumping to the conclusion that I do need to hurt myself and at some point will?

I would agree with that...while it often seems like SI is inevitable, it really isn't. The thoughts may be there, but the actions do not have to be.
You already mentioned some things that have helped in the past...maybe not immediatly, but with time.

I wrote in my journal, tried to do something else...slept....I felt better

You may be right that right now, you just can't feel better. But that doesn't mean that you won't feel better in an hour or a day.
I also wondered why you are so sure you cannot call your T? If you are close to a SU attempt, I expect your T would rather help you work through it than try to patch you up after one. Or if your T really isn't an option (not just if you are uncomfortable calling...that is a totally different thing) then maybe calling a hotline would help, since there would be someone to listen to you and help you think things through carefully.
I know you probably already realize that SI is not a long term solution, and it may be feeding into your SU thoughts. For me, it did...SI helped me handle them in the short term, but long term it convinced me that I was not a worthwhile person and that I could not handle my emotions. In reality, with practice and determination, I can handle them. Even the terrible ones.
Ok...in writing all this out, I am now thinking I won't have to post my own before because I have talked myself out of acting on any urges anyway. Thanks!

NobodyToYou wrote:I also wondered why you are so sure you cannot call your T? If you are close to a SU attempt, I expect your T would rather help you work through it than try to patch you up after one. Or if your T really isn't an option (not just if you are uncomfortable calling...that is a totally different thing) then maybe calling a hotline would help, since there would be someone to listen to you and help you think things through carefully.

I have issues with calling my T, especially when I'm SU. If I've called her a lot in a short period of time. And there's not much she can do over the phone...Plus, we fight about putting me in the hospital all the time and I'd just rather not have all that done over the phone...Okay, basically, when I'm down, I don't want to be a burden to her. We've talked about this before.

I've never called a hotline...Probably never will....I've called the emergency line a few times that's for the place I go to, but I don't like calling that either. Still the chance of the hospital. I do anything I can to keep me out of there, even when I know I should go....


Glad my post helped you some.

I have two small thoughts. The first is that it seems so much harder to ask for help when things are at their worst. I think that's one of the hardest things about bad days. It sounded like you were in that mindset. Maybe if you look at it as part of your bad day making you feel bad rather than part of reality it might make it easier to reach out for help.

My other completely mundane idea is that you might be able to get someone else to at least help with cleaning your apartment. My boyfriend has done it for me before, and my mother has offered to travel to see me when I was having a really hard time just so she could be here to help with the cooking and cleaning. My mom's not exactly a baking sort of mom, but it was one way she could help. I don't know if you have anyone around that could help you with that, but it might be possible.
-E

Emma Wallace wrote:I have two small thoughts. The first is that it seems so much harder to ask for help when things are at their worst. I think that's one of the hardest things about bad days. It sounded like you were in that mindset. Maybe if you look at it as part of your bad day making you feel bad rather than part of reality it might make it easier to reach out for help.

That's the hardest thing to change. It's really difficult for me to reach out. But I understand what you're saying. It's something to work on.

Emma Wallace wrote:My other completely mundane idea is that you might be able to get someone else to at least help with cleaning your apartment. My boyfriend has done it for me before, and my mother has offered to travel to see me when I was having a really hard time just so she could be here to help with the cooking and cleaning. My mom's not exactly a baking sort of mom, but it was one way she could help. I don't know if you have anyone around that could help you with that, but it might be possible.
-E

I've had a friend offer to come help before. But I often feel guilty for asking someone to help me pick up the mess that I've made. Mum was going to do this whole "come over once a month to clean and vaccum thing" but my apartment has been so messy that I've done a good job of keeping her out.

Lately though, I've been doing a good job with picking things up. For the first time in ages, I haven't had a pile of dishes in the sink. I've been washing them soon after using them. And I finally got my futon cleaned off today. It's the first time I've seen the entire thing in at least four months....Now my cat and I won't have to fight over the one open spot in which to sit. We can share!

My room is another story......But I'll tackle that when I get back from vacation!

so then call your therapist & be *very* clear that you'll not su. make it a point to differenciate between thought/urge & action. 'i'm having su thoughts. i'm planning to do x, y, & z instead... i want support/help coming up with other things to try... i'm not going to act on the thoughts i'm wanting to work through this with you'

what about trading cleaning... ask someone to come help clean a *really* messy place... & offer to return the favor. or if they're usually tidy then find some other way to repay them. bake them cookies, walk their dog, etc.

'i'm having su thoughts. i'm planning to do x, y, & z instead... i want support/help coming up with other things to try... i'm not going to act on the thoughts i'm wanting to work through this with you'

That's exactly what I would love to be able to say to her but never have been. Thank you for showing me a way to do it that won't have her going into "crisis mode".


Trade cleaning would be awesome...If I had someone to do it with....I don't really have anyone even near me to attempt to do this....Or even return the favor in another way. Even the friend I mentioned before....We hardly talk anymore. Which is my fault and I take the blame for that.


Thanks for all your replies and help. I really appreciate it.