bus

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
- I'll feel some sort of release. I'll feel in control, and I'll feel like me.

* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
- Nothing and nothing as far as I can see. The situation isn't really affected by whether or not I hurt myself.

* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
- I'd like to be free from this crap, but not si'ing isn't making me free from it so I'm not sure it makes any difference.

* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
- Weeks? Then I go back to working on better ways.

* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
- Go to bed, read. It won't change the situation, but it will soothe me enough to get to sleep. I don't know what comes next. Suck it up and get through tomorrow then try to relax?

* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
- If I don't si, if tomorrow's anything like today, I will feel desperately sad and it will be very hard to see a way through these feelings and I'll want very very much to not be alive. If I si I might be able to escape those thoughts, even for a while. I can't think what else will work.

* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
- I want to crawl into bed and hide there until I feel better. I desperately want to avoid having to get up and deal with crap tomorrow. I desperately want to not wake up tomorrow feeling the way I did today. I don't know how to face that. I suppose the best I can do is try to read and have a pleasant half an hour then try to get some good sleep.

* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
- I'm tired and stressed and a little crazy. My mental state isn't terribly secure, so when things gang up on me it tends to go a bit wrong. This week has been horrible.

* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
- I probably si'ed. It's been a long time since I've felt this bad. Si'ing made the feelings stop, but no long term solution.

* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
- I've tried to relax, tried really hard to take care of myself, tried to focus on good things. I can keep trying, but it's so hard.

* How do I feel right now?
- Like I might cry. So so so sad.

* How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
- Probably sadder, but once it's over and I've cried it'll be better.

* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
- The effects of hurting myself usually last a fair while, so I'd probably still feel slightly high and like I have an exciting secret.

* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Avoid? No. Deal with better? Probably, I just don't know how.

* Do I need to hurt myself?
There is always a choice, but I'm struggling to see a positive alternative right now.

I don't want to hurt myself anymore. But I don't want my first thought in the morning to be 'I don't want to be alive' either. I guess that's more of a long term project. No matter what changes I make I seem to come back to this place one way or another. I know it's outside factors making me feel this way, but there will always be those factors and I don't know how to deal with always coming back here.

Hmm I keep coming back to your post, and am trying to think of the right thing to say....

It is SOOO hard to get through urges, especially when it feels like it doesn't matter if you SI. I've been there MANY MANY times myself (and periodically I'm still there). I try to focus on not SIing as much as I can. But it's difficult when there are outside factors that you just don't have any control over. Personally I like to go on walks. They help me to clear my head and doing something a little physical helps to calm me down as well. Or if you can, talk to someone you trust. I try to do that too. It's difficult, and working through urges is hard, but I know (and I think you know) that you can do this. You can make it through difficult times without turning to SI.

Take care of yourself.

mardy

Thanks mardy. Saying anything was pretty much right; it helped to be heard and not feel so alone and isolated. Thank you for acknowledging that it's hard, and for saying I can do this. I know I can, but it helps to hear these things occasionally.

I think posting answers to the questions is perhaps the most helpful thing I could have done. By the time I've answered them all I've talked myself out of it, at which point I often don't actually post them. Hitting submit made it into something concrete that I couldn't wiggle out of or deny.