bus

*how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
Situation won't change. But I would probably feel better for a while, be able to focus, stop feeling like everything is falling apart. Could feel "in control" even though I am not.

*what will hurting myself bring to the situation? A little space from being overwhelmed. Focus to do my work. Maybe enough emotional distance to be able to handle my clients.

*what will it take away from the situation?
I don't know. Having trouble thinking...would take away...I don't know. Would add feelings of guilt later, but probably not for a while.

*how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to feel nothing, and be able to function properly. SI can help for a little while, but not long term. I don't know if short term is better than nothing or not.

*if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
A few hours. SI again, at least until I go home from work. May be able to deal with me then, right now I am supposed to be focused on other people and their needs.

*what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I can type this. I emailed my old T. I can wait and try to get through it. None of it is changing the situation or the urges, and I don't really have a lot of power over the situation. I am at work, so my options are very limited. I have no idea what to do after this.

*how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I am probably going to feel depressed either way. I do know if I SI today and it helps, I am a lot more likely to do it again tomorrow. I guess I would feel less guilty if I can find something else that helps, but I am not sure...I don't always feel guilty for SIing. Only when it really connects what I am doing, and it hasn't connected that way recently.

*what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
Right now I really want to SI. I dont' know what I am going to do, because I know that I try to help others stop, so I should be trying to stop too. I was trying to stop...don't know if I really deserve to say that I am trying to stop because I have slipped so much recently.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

I think you took a really good first step by writing this. And it seems from what I've read that you really don't want to SI. SI is very tempting, especially when it's what you've done for so long every time you feel overwhelmed/like crap/etc. And for a lot of us, it's an instant easy way to temporarily fix how we are feeling at the moment. Keyword temporarily. And from what you've wrote I think you know it's just a temporary fix.

Is it possible to go on a quick walk around the block? Just take a break to step away from your work to clear you head? That helps me the most. Even if it's just a quick jaunt to the restroom or the drinking fountain...getting up and getting away from everything, even momentarily makes things a little better.

I hope things work out well for you.

Hi,

i agree with the above -sometimes removing yourself from the physical situation is a really good way to help.

Also what you said about
"I am probably going to feel depressed either way. I do know if I SI today and it helps, I am a lot more likely to do it again tomorrow" is really interesting. it's such a cyclical thing, and the longer you can put it off ... or not do it all, the better, just to avoid that cycle.

Trying very hard.
Walked to the building next door, came back. Probably helped a little, but I can't really tell right now.
In about an hour I will have to be dealing with other people's problems. And I just don't see a way to do that without SI right now. I know there has to be another way...I keep trying to find it...
Glad to be noticed...