bus

*have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
don't need any care. Very minor.

*what had happened just before?
Had been watching TV. Then posted on BUS, in place. Then wrote in journal. Then got up to go to bed and took tools with me.

*what were you thinking and feeling?
Thinking about current issues and problems.
Feelings...difficult to identify. Probably some level of depression, but I can't tell how severe. I have never been able to identify that.

*why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
Don't know...not sure why it was different than every other night.

*how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
No situation. I could have just made a different choice. But I don't know why I made the one I did or why I would make a different choice. Both options seem really meaningless.

*were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
I was tired, but not extremely so. I am not on medication right now, but it might be helpful if I were...but I am not.

*what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
posting, journalling. I don't know how well they worked. I don't know what I wanted them to do. I don't even know what I was trying to cope with.

*in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
sleeping, maybe. Might have helped, might not.

*name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
I can always remember sleeping. It just doesn't always help. And going to bed is a bad thought because then the next day comes that much faster.

*how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
I have no idea how to answer that.

*are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
I don't know this one either.

*what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
Sleep.
take a hot shower
read a book

The questions didn't really make things much more clear. I kinda wonder if I felt like I had to cut in order to make the depressive symptoms more real. That doesn't make a lot of sense, but I will try to explain.
If I am functioning ok, then I am ok. If I can still get everything done and function without SI, that means I must be doing fine.
But I haven't been feeling fine...sort of. Can't explain why I say that though.
For the feelings to be important or anything but stupid internal whining, there has to be an external problem. Something I can point to as causeing the stress or as a "problem". For example- stress about a big final is a problem. That is a reason to feel bad. Feeling stress without any reason is just stupid. So...I have been feeling somewhat depressed, but have no reason for it. If I SI, then I have something I can point to that says there is a real problem, that I am not whining or making it up, that it can be taken seriously.
I realize these thoughts are not very logical, and I ought to be thinking differently. But I haven't found a way to do that right now.

Going to try to work more things out now that I have a bit more distance...Thanks for your input Mab.

I know its hard for you to identify your emotions, maybe if you ran through a list you would be able to narrow down what you were feeling.

I can eliminate some things. I was not anxious or tense (which is unusual for me...those are typical when I cut). I was not happy. I was not excited.
I remember feeling tired but not sleepy. Maybe afraid (of having to face the next day)? Can't really tell. Angry? Probably a little bit. Again, hard to tell.
Feelings are very difficult to access over the past few weeks. I think I spent too much time having to ignore them or push them away so I can get things done and I am losing my ability to get back to them when I try to. It makes figuring out why I am acting a particular way very difficult. Need to pay more attention to them, I think...not sure I really want to, but I probably need to.
Noticed that I got a lot better at recognizing feelings when I had to talk to my T about them. Now that I don't have a T...I have lost a lot of ground in that area.

Have you thought about asking your doctor for medication?

Yes, I have thought about trying to get some. I used to be on Lexapro and it helped quite a bit. However I don't have my insurance ready yet. I also have some rather unhelpful thoughts that it is a sign of failure to get off meds and be ok for three months and then have to get back on them. Knowing I should not think that...I wouldn't think that about other people. But I do think it about myself.

Feeling depressed for no apparent reason is OK, deep down there is a reason but you just can't identify it and that is OK too.

Glad to be reminded. I know I should already know it. But sometimes...It can be too easy to think I need something external, especially if I am having trouble connecting with the feelings.
It is hard to change what I have always been taught, even if they didn't mean for me to take it this way...To skip a day of school, I had to have a fever or be throwing up or coughing. Couldn't just "feel bad". That doesn't count. I hate to admit it, but this is kinda confirmed because sometimes I seem to be doing so much better than I was just a few minutes ago. And...can it really be that bad if I am still functioning alright? It seems like it must not be as big a deal as I am making it. I don't know. Obviously I am really torn and confused about this. I am working on trying to sort it out. Input is welcome.

-Noticed that I got a lot better at recognizing feelings when I had to talk to my T about them. Now that I don't have a T...I have lost a lot of ground in that area.

Can you talk with a T now? If not, what about talking to a T helped you? Was it knowing that you had to verbalize your feelings? Did he ask questions that are particularly helpful? Are there things that you can apply to your situation now?

-And...can it really be that bad if I am still functioning alright?

Well, no. I know it is tempting to things that, but it is possible to work despite emotional things. You have to function, so you do. that doesn't mean that it isn't tough, that there isn't anything wrong. I had a friend who broke her toe the day before a dance audition. She danced beautifully and was accepted into the program. But she still had a serious injury. I know it isn't the greatest analogy, but the way a person performs doesn't mean there aren't serious, real, problems.

Take care.