bus

have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yep

what had happened just before?
nothing specific that i could put my finger on. i just sat down in front of the internet. i had talked to my mom on the phone before. i don'T wanna talk to her atm.


what were you thinking and feeling?
nothing much at all. i am feeling really "absent". very flat. as if there's no feeling at all. just tired.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
i am tired. no event at all. maybe talking to my mom on the phone. mom's an issue right now. i don'T wanna deal with my family, don't wanna deal with christmas, don't wanna deal with abandonment issues or anything. i am tired of trying coz it takes up so much energy and there's so many other things i'd rather do with my energy right now.


how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
i just can'T see the final straw! it's just the pressure, it's been building up and up and up and i just couldn't (and still can't) find anything to make it any less. htere's so much stress and pressure everywhere and no matter how hard i try to make things easier they just don'T GET any easier. i am exhausted. i have exhausted my recourses.


were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
a lot of stress, that ia m trying to reduce. i am trying to find a job, ihave asked for help, i have talked to people. i have done many many things, i was very creative. but things are hard right now. it seems as if i just havea streak of REALLY bad luck lately. i was hoping it would change sooner but i am tired of fighting for things to get better an dthey don't.


what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i tried writing. i tried to concentrate on something else. i curled up on the couch and watched my favorite comfort-tvshow. i tried to address the issues. i tried to think of ways to make life less stressful. a few things worked really well, but the tv show didn't do a thing. concentrating on something else worked for a while nad trying to address the issues made my life even more stressful - but ignoring it didn't really help either. i feel really lost right now. dunno what else i could have tried. i am so lost. i don't wanna end up here again.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
emergency box. never EVER think of it. dang it. now that i am in "that place" again i should put it some place more obvious... grr.
can't think of any more coping mechanisms that i could have tried that i didn't try yet.
maybe i'll work on my box next time, fill it up with something new and exciting, make it prettier, etc.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
hah - last time i already wrote i would put the emergency box some place more obvious. i will NOW put it on the table... *runs off to do that*
ok, it'S there.
that's one and two: look into the box and fill it up with something new to make me smile.


how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
the situation is still there. it *seems* more bearable now but i know this feeling will pass. there's still all this stress and all this stuff that needs to get done and i still need to go outside and walk my dog and face my therapist later on (with even more embarrassing and stressful stuff to talk about now!! grr). i will keep trying to resolve the issues in my life but it's just so hard right now.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
yah. i will be. still am in some ways. i recognize it by panic attacks, by fear, by getting dizzy like i did today, by feeling as empty as i do now. the emptienss started a few days ago it's just gotten a whole lot stronger. dunno what to do about it though.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
- the emergency box.
- cleaning?
- drink something warm and soothing, like hot chocolate, or tea or something...

*sigh*

I read, Cloudya...I don't have much good advice at the moment, but it looks like you've done a good job of sorting it out for yourself. I know that things are very stressful for you right now; try and talk with your t as much as you're able. I'm thinking of you.

Hey Cloudya.

I don't have anyything particularly questioning or incisive to say, I'm afraid.

It is okay to admit that although you tried all the resources you had at hand you still ended up SI-ing. The point is that you did try, and you should give yourself credit for that. The trick when you are in such a difficult place I think is to put as much distance between you and SI as possible; so having three extra things you can add to your list of coping devices is three extra steps between you and it.

Sprucing up your emergency box sounds like a really good idea. Could that be a way of taking care of yourself? If tried to do it as well as you could then it might even be a relieving activity in itself; a little bit of creativity never went amiss.

Although I hear what you say about feeling numbed out orempty I'm afraid I don't have very much to offer in the way of advice. I find that sometimes just trying to do things to make myself as comfortable and comforted as possible can be good; hot chocolate, like you say, and baths with bubble bath, cleaqn sheets and getting into bed with a hot waterbottle. Just a bit of pampering and giving up.

Is there something you could do next time you have to speak to someone in your fammily that might make it safer for you? Could you make your environment as safe and comforting as possible before you make the phone call? Maybe hold something special iin your hand? I have a shell which somebody gave to me which is a sort of talismen or safe object for me when I have to do difficult things.

Sorry things are hard right now.

take care.
tatty