bus

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yeah

what had happened just before?
i returned to my room after taking a really difficult test that i felt like i failed and after talking to some people in another one of my classes about hw
thinking about being a failure and needing to punish myself led me to fixate on it
not just before but earlier my roommate had skipped lunch again and whenever she doesn't eat it makes me feel powerless/upset/frustrated

what were you thinking and feeling?
somewhat overwhelmed but mostly stupid
frustrated with myself
powerless/lacking control

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
i had the reason and the opportunity at the same time

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
i should learn not to be so hard on myself, to have such high expectations of myself, to not allow outside factors to have so much of an influence over me
my thought patterns and standards for myself need to be changed


were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
not really


what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
none - i was fixated on punishing myself, on taking out my frustration


in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
coloring
answering my questions/the before questions
working on something else to distract myself
being with a friend would have kept me from si - but talking doesn't usually help me so it probably would have simply delayed the opportunity


name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
when i notice myself fixating on si, try to change my thoughts to do something relaxing

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
i still feel stupid and frustrated - but now also that i lacked the control over myself. annoyed with myself for si-ing because it doesn't really do anything to change the situation and annoyed with myself for not trying harder to stop

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
yes. i feel powerless and stupid

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
coloring
answering questions
working on something else so i can accomplish something and feel better about myself


About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.



What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
it was there and i had the urge and the same time

Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
it was there for the taking

What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
i probably would have talked to my roommate about the test but then felt bad for complaining
i would have written or done other work

If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
it depends on how successful i was on distracting myself
usually increase but sometimes if i can completely focus on something else, it would decrease

What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
having the desire and being alone

If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
if the desire were taken away, i would be fine for a while but then eventually start thinking about si a lot again and it woudl start coming back
if being alone were taken away, i would create that by going to the showers or shifting my schedule to get the time alone

I feel bad because this is the second time this week I have cut and usually I don't cut more than once a week. I don't know why i bothered to write myself questions to answer since i never think of them until after the fact. i know i should try harder to quit, to want to quit, but i can't bring myself to do that.

Hey Alethea. I'm sorry it's taken so long for you to get any replies to this thread. I hope you're okay and aren't too upset by that. I'll do my best to give you a reply now.

Alethea wrote:what had happened just before?
i returned to my room after taking a really difficult test that i felt like i failed and after talking to some people in another one of my classes about hw
thinking about being a failure and needing to punish myself led me to fixate on it

I can understand feeling this way. I always get very upset when I feel that I have failed something or not lived up to expectations, so I guess it's a big trigger. I always avoid talking to people about work and stuff, because I know I get on better and get less stressed by it if I can just do it on my own in my oown way.

As far as the test goes, do things like tests and exams often make you feel like this? If so, could you maybe arrange somethiing to do afterwards for another time- like a treat or something? Something relaxing? Maybe go outt with friends (who aren't going to talk about homework...)

earlier my roommate had skipped lunch again and whenever she doesn't eat it makes me feel powerless/upset/frustrated

It's reasonable that you should feel that way, particularly if your room mate is a close friend, but you have to realise that she makes her own choices, just like you make yours. You can try and help, and be there when she needs you, but beyond that there isn't any more you can do. You may not be happy about what she does, but it isn't your fault.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
i had the reason and the opportunity at the same time

So maybe if you forsee such a situation arising iin the future you could make sure you don't have the opportunity?

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
i should learn not to be so hard on myself, to have such high expectations of myself, to not allow outside factors to have so much of an influence over me
my thought patterns and standards for myself need to be changed

That sounds really positive, although also really damn hard to achieve. Those things all sound like really long term goals... is there anything you can think of short to medium term that you could have done to help yourself? Even really little things.

[qote]name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
when i notice myself fixating on si, try to change my thoughts to do something relaxing[/quote]

Again that sounds really ositive to me. Even if you try those things you've listed next time and they only manage to delay you acting oon the urge, taht's still a biig step. It means you will have put other coping mechanisms between you and SI, and that's a pretty good achievement. No one says you have to stop all iin one go.

Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
it was there for the taking

Is there anyway that you could avoid the opportunity if it comes along again in similar circumstances?

If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
it depends on how successful i was on distracting myself
usually increase but sometimes if i can completely focus on something else, it would decrease

So it is at least worth trying?
Is there any difference between the situations when the urge increases and those when it decreases? What is it tha allows you to focus some times and not others?

If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
if the desire were taken away, i would be fine for a while but then eventually start thinking about si a lot again and it woudl start coming back

Sometimes I find it useful to think of urges like the crests of waves- they do always come around again, but the important thing is to try riding the current one and concentrate on that rather than worrying about all the ones yet to come. I know if I start thinking 'ahhh, I might feel better for a bit but then I'm going to get worse again' I start feeling very overwhelmed, which makes things worse.

It''s okay not to want to quit. Even if you are only answering the questions after the fact then they are still helping you to get to know yourself and get a better handle on yourself and why you need or want to SI. Maybe if you keep doing this you will get to the point where you can think more seriously about quitting... that's a big milestone in itself.

Take care, and I hope what I have said is okay.

Tatty