bus

* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

Further.

* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

Dunno. Was scratching yesterday afternoon and that lasted me most of the evening.

* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I don't know. I can't change the situation. I need to find some way of validating how I feel but my usual route (i.e. talking to peeople until I've calmed down) isn't available. But crucially I need to be working. This is work time. I shouldn't be posting on bus.

* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

I don't know. I should feel bad about the scratching but I don't. So I guess it would depend what I did.

* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

Cry. But I'm afraid to do that for fear of not putting myself back together.

* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

Dealing with my landlady. I always end up feeling in the wrong and petty and different. And now I'm trying to work on a webpage for work and the css just isn't working and I don't know why. And trying to work when I'm feeling stressed. That's making it worse, because I'm too agitated tow ork well but don't feel I can take time to do anythign about it because I'm meant to be working.

* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Vented at people. But I'm stuck working in this house that I hate all morning and there's nobody around and even if I went to work there's no-one to vent at and nobody's up. oR got on with things, but the thing I'm trying to get on with isn't working either, and I can't just take a time out because I never manage to keep up with my hours as it is.

* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

Tried to work. Write here. Listening to music.

* How do I feel right now?

frustrated. agitated. trapped. powerless. going round in circles. like there's no way out, nothing to hold on to. like everything's disintegrating. my self-control is disintegrating. my new life in which i'm happy and can cope with things is disintegrating.

* How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

calm

* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

terrible.

* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

Dela beter? Probably. Avoid it? No. I try to avoid my landlady by being out but that makes me resentful and is part what upset me about this conversation. I could tlak to her maybe but a) she's not keen on that b) I'm leaving in a month and I just want to get out of here and c) I don't trust my tongue. too much resentment and anger and hurt, combined with the knowledge that they have no idea where I'm coming from.

* Do I need to hurt myself?

Probably not.

Smeagol wrote: I don't know. I can't change the situation. I need to find some way of validating how I feel but my usual route (i.e. talking to peeople until I've calmed down) isn't available. But crucially I need to be working. This is work time. I shouldn't be posting on bus.

Can you think of other ways to calm yourself down? If you can't talk to anyone right now, can you maybe write a letter or an email, just to vent things. Will that make you feel better?

The problem is when I'm at work. Doing something like this helps but at work I'm supposed to be working, not bussing. I'm jsut not good at self-soothing rapidly, and it makes me stresseder to know that I need to soothe myself. Were it a weekend I'd just curl up until I felt calm, but you can't do that at work.

well if bussing helps, can you make an agreement with yourself that when you have to calm yourself - you go bussing for eg. 30 minutes? That way you can hopefully take your mind off things and then get back to work.
Maybe getting some (herbal) tea might help too. Some kind of short (&easy) distraction... so you don't lose too much time but can also calm down. And don't put too much pressure on yourself.. if you keep thinking that you have to get calm immediately, that probably won't work. it takes time. hope you will find something that helps you (besides posting).