bus

*

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

I don't know. Fill emptiness, maybe? Give me a focus? Give me something to take care of? I don't know. Situation won't change (except that I'll have started cutting which is a Bad Thing). Feelings will change.


*

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

I don't know what it would bring. Maybe a choice or a mark or something. I don't know.

*

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

Hurting myself will take me a lot a lot further away. i haven't cut in 11 months. I will have issues with hiding it, issues with accepting I've done it, issues issues issues. I'll feel less in control, overall. I'll feel more vulnerable and broken. In the long run I want to have not done it.

*

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

I won't say it's hte best option, but it is something I have an urge to do. When I was at dancing I was scratching myself with my nails (too blunt to do any damage ). It was comforting. And earlier I was pulling my hair. That was comforting. I think the act of self-injuring would be comforting. I don't konw how long it would last. In some ways teh being able to look after myself would last quite a while, but I'd also feel guilty and bad and messed up and ashamed and it would be a vicious circle. I'd be reating a worse situation.

*

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

Sleep. Make myself less tired and worn-out. Maybe talk on bus. Maybe do some of hte zillion things I have to do.

*

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I don't know. I don't know why I want to self-injure.

*

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

Because I'm not eating or sleeping properly, which leaves me emotionally vulnerable. Because there are stressful things in my life like an anniversary of a bereavement and needing to move house because I'm not happy where I live, which means working out how much money I've got and finding somewhere new, and changing job, and my parents renting out the family home and giving all our furniture away save what I choose to keep. Because the person I would have probably tlaked to now lives in Birmingham and things are changing and our relationship is changing...apart from the bit where I'm unwilling/unable to communicate with him about my feelings, which is even harder to deal with when he's not here in person. All of which is making life stressful, and right now I'm tired from dancing, feeling rather unwanted, feeling overhwelmed by all the stuff I have to do before ebd tomorrow, and generally not in a position to cope well.

*

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

I can't remember. Sleep, probably, but I'm afraid of that because I have sleep issues. I always used to hate going to bed because it was he end of the day and meant the start of a new one. And though it's not liek that, it feels like giving in and writing off my feelings. And partly my sleep's disrupted from the weekend where I slept too mch, so I'm afraid of htat. But generally I associate sleeping when feeling low as an act of despar - there's nothing else I can do, or I can't cope, or whatever. Otherwise, distract, I guess. I'm not sure. I just stopped feeling this way some time in January.

*

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

Come here. Get on with something. Put on some bouncy music.

*

How do I feel right now?

Meh.

*

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Focussed. Calm. Satisfied.

*

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

Horrible.

*

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

Can't avoid the situation. I could sleep or eat better so I'd cope better. They're both partly situational though. And disrupted both goes hand in hand with feeling low for me. I usually don't sleep because come ebdtime I don't *want* to sleep, or come food time I can't face cooking or - more recently - have been comfort eating on junk food which means i odn't have to leave my room. Find someone to talk to who will validate how I feel. Find someone who will "take care of me". Not as in sort my life out, but some one who will treat me like a little girl for a few hours. Or maybe I mean show love and affection and me as needing protection. Though both are difficult because I might find it hard to accept them. That's part of feeling low - I want it but dont' want it.

*

Do I need to hurt myself?

Of course not.

It sounds like things are really stressful and uncertain now. Do you think that something soothing might help a little? something like knitting or getting a massage? both would give you something to focus on for a while and might help you to feel a little more calm.

Sorry I am not of any help.

take care of yourself.

I guess I feel somewhere between restless and lethargic. I don't want to "stop", whatever that means. I dunno, I have this huge block with being nice to myself when I'm feeling low. I never want to soothe myself. It feels like invalidating how I feel. It's like, if I can make it go away then it wasn't real in the first place and I'm just being dumb and manipulative. So maybe that's it - it's not that I'm restless, just that soothing attempts are half-hearted. But yes, soothingness should help. Or maybe just caring for myself. Routine. Calm.

I'm gonna go brush my teeth and fill my hot water bottle.

Thanks.

Smeagol wrote:Because I'm not eating or sleeping properly, which leaves me emotionally vulnerable.

That sounds like two concrete ways you can help your mood. Knowing the effects that sleep deprivation and improper eating has on you, do you think you can maybe prod yourself into working on them a little? I know you mention that there are reasons why these are difficult to achieve right now, but is there anything you've tried to make them more possible?

Smeagol wrote:Find someone who will "take care of me". Not as in sort my life out, but some one who will treat me like a little girl for a few hours. Or maybe I mean show love and affection and me as needing protection. Though both are difficult because I might find it hard to accept them. That's part of feeling low - I want it but dont' want it.

Is there anyone you trust to look after you in the way you're wanting? Someone you will accept it from?

I hope things are feeling better today

ANyone to look after me? No. Plenty of casually friendly people but nothing deeper.

Sleeping I shall just have to try to drag myself away from 'puter. Food is harder as I'm not eating well at lest in part because it's difficult to. I don't have time or I can't face using the kitchen. But we'll see. Maybe I'll make an effort.