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how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
It will get worse... now I'm in for daytime treatment but I'm so afraid of giving up my studies... if I hurt myself right now, I will probably go IP. Then I can't take part in the daytime treatment group anymore.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring relief. Well maybe not. But the urge will get lower.
It will take away the small possibility of continuing on my studies.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to love myself again. feel comfortable with myself again. If I do what I want now... I will really regret it later on. ODing might do serious damage

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
I don't know how long it will last... probably short... cause I'll have to get myself to a hospital... I want to OD but I don't want to die. Bit of a contradiction.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I'm already trying to distract myself..
did: sleeping, posting, browsing for pictures, more sleeping, eating comfort food, drink tea, drink hot cocoa, tried to ring my friends (but can't reach anyone)

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I'll feel really ill because of the OD and because I failed myself if I go through with this. If I manage to keep myself distracted, I will feel much better.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
well, rationally seen I want to get over the urge without any damage.
but my head keeps screaming "OD, OD!". I'm wondering if it helps if I SI.. but that'll probably be a bad thing as well.
gah... I'm confused.

Kaelyn wrote:

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
I don't know how long it will last... probably short... cause I'll have to get myself to a hospital... I want to OD but I don't want to die. Bit of a contradiction.
.

I have to say its not a contradicion, a lot of ods are not because people wanna die, but they just want a break, or wake up and everything is better, no pain and just happyness.
Keep on fighting Youre on theright road !
I hope you fight it, a thought might be to take it up in therapy?
Take gentl care
PL

I think I might warn my T tomorrow... (GP is on holiday next week )
therapy's thursday.. right now it feels like too far away.
but I'm a bit scared of what his reaction will be... I mean, I didn't OD...
.. I'm afraid he won't take it serious. He has done that before.

Hey,

I'm sorry things are rough. Would you mind if I asked another question?

What is making you feel the urge? Is there any external circumstance frustrating you? Are you feeling things that you tell yourself you have no right to feel?

I know you are frustrated and we'll keep being here for you.

I'm a bit scared of what his reaction will be... I mean, I didn't OD...
.. I'm afraid he won't take it serious. He has done that before
--what would you like his reaction to be?
i know personally at times my therapist would do the whole 'but you made it through!!' & i'd feel like he wasn't getting how seriously afraid i was of how things had gone... how unstable i was feeling.
i do think it's worth noticing... that things were *hard* that you had a really strong urge... yet you made it through safely. & i think that's great. it shows that you *can* do it. it doesn't mean that it's easier now or that you don't need support. but you did get through. & you can again.

Chocoboko wrote:What is making you feel the urge? Is there any external circumstance frustrating you? Are you feeling things that you tell yourself you have no right to feel?

I think the urge has to do with the fact that I might have to give up my studies for daytime treatment. I can't carry on like this - hopelessly stuck in work right now - I'm not getting anywhere with my studies.. it frustrates me. I used to get through such periods and just carry on.. now I can't get myself together and it makes me mad at myself. really mad.

plantt wrote:--what would you like his reaction to be?
i know personally at times my therapist would do the whole 'but you made it through!!' & i'd feel like he wasn't getting how seriously afraid i was of how things had gone... how unstable i was feeling.

that is what I'm afraid of.. that he won't get how serious it was... and how unstable I'm still feeling. Had it happen before... very strong SU thoughts, and the therapist just "waved them off" like they were nothing. He didn't want to discuss it when I really felt the need to discuss it. So I hope he doesn't pull the same trick this time.



I "secured" my meds for now... gave them to my mom - she hid them for me. (and gives me only the dose I need for each day).
(stupidly enough... now I'm thinking of not taking my meds anymore and saving them up so I can OD.. ack.. stupid urges..)

how about just telling him that? 'i'd like to discuss this until *i* feel more ok about things. i'm scaring myself & i'm feeling like you're not hearing that. i know i got through the urge. i'd still like to talk about it though'

saving meds is dangerous... & definitely doesn't help urges any. but i'm sure you know that =)

thanks.. I think I will do that tomorrow... he replied (I emailed him) that I could go see him tomorrow morning. (which, I think, is a good thing.. I couldn't have waited much longer, I guess..)

I know, saving meds is not the best thing to do. So, I'm very obedient, and I'll take my meds tonight. (no... not more than prescribed )

good
hope things go well tomorrow & that you get across what you're wanting to