bus

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i won't have to feel. situation: trying to get a t. have actively been looking for over a month. did the intake. waited another half a month to get the response of: i'm not sure we can match you up with anybody. intake triggered a lot of old and very painful garbage. i have no t support. they didn't even refer me to anyone for the interim (like a crisis line or anything). so i left the lady a voicemail and still no response.

i'm triggered, i'm si-ish and su-ish and am falling thru the cracks.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will bring lack of emotional pain. it will bring distraction. it will take away my sense of accomplishment cuz i won't have used a non-si method of coping.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
that's just it. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL ANYMORE. si will help. not a healthy solution but it will help.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
relief will last from minutes to a day or more depending on what i do. what i will do then is be busy at work all weekend and not have the time to fret over this whole t thing. then next week i'll either si more, or go on a road-trip.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i could sleep. i could call a crisis line. i could take the clothes out of the dryer that are wrinkling. i could take a bath. i could sleep. it would probly last till it's time to pick up kidlet from school. i'll isolate online or in my bedroom after that and be an emotionally distant mother.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
depending on what i do, i'll feel really good about it, or else i won't (can't say more cuz i'm not going to discuss si methods) other thing? *shrugs* maybe more rested?

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i want to be punished for being such an awful person that i'm so messed up that i need a t in the first place. i want to not feel lost, alone and like nobody cares. at least punishment means someone is paying attn to me

Hey, hope you're still coping

that's just it. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL ANYMORE

Why don't you want to feel any more? Because its too hard feeling those feelings? Maybe you could try and look at doing some things that get those feelings out so they're more dealt with, rather than just distracting you from SI - ie you've said you could have a bath or sleep, but what about doing something that actually faces the feelings, such as journalling or painting or something? I don't know, maybe you're not in a situation where you feel you can do that, but its just an idea.

Sorry to hear you're struggling to find a t - that sucks. And though I know me saying it isn't gonna really change how you feel - it does NOT make you an awful person to need a t - it shows that you're trying to get better and care for yourself by wanting to get one.

Take care of you, Andi x

thank you. i really should by some drawing/sketching supplies and just let whatever is in my come out on the paper. that's a good idea; thanx. (i used to play my piano, but couldn't bring it w/me when we moved this summer)