bus

Hi,

I am feeling very tempted to hurt myself. Why? Because I am beyond angry! I have nowhere to direct my anger. I am convinced that if I told anyone why I was angry, they would say I have no reason to be! If I have nowhere to direct my anger, then what can I do but damage myself?

I'm overwhelmed emotionally. I am bothered by a lot of things that people say should not bother me. I'll list them. These things bother me greatly, and I want to hurt myself because people insist they shouldn't.

* I interpret "You have to take care of yourself and not rely on others" as rejection. I interpret them as saying, "You are getting too close. Go away. Don't defile me." What also irks me is that people cannot even take their *own* advice that they give me. Some of the very same people who say I should not rely on others complain how lonely they are the next. It bothers me that they are completely unaware of the contradiction in their actions. I sometimes think that something is wrong with me if I see a contradiction.

* I get infuriated when people say I need to be challenged more! I have enough on my plate right now! My mom insists that she is not hard enough on me. She thinks it's good for me to push me to do things. But I feel overwhelmed and melt down. I interpret that as her telling me I am too weak! No! I don't want more challenges! I have enough crap to deal with as it is!

I kept getting the message I see things too differently from others. I also feel that others give me the message that something is wrong with my brain because the way I see things. My mom especially gave me that message, as well as some other adults I thought I could trust.

I want to be in a place where my thoughts and feelings are respected! I often feel like not a single soul in this world sees things the way I do and it hurts.

I want to calm down. Thus, I am asking if any of you see what I am saying. Please do not pretend to, because I'll likely be able to discern if you are just trying to be polite. But if you truly do, please tell me. I want to know I am not alone.

And if you want to give me advice, take a good long hard look at your own life and see if you take your own advice first. I get angry when being given advice by someone I have not developed a level of trust with first.

I've had people say they give me advice because they care about me enough to tell me the truth. BUt I don't believe them. They say that, but they don't care enough to be consistent in my life, so I really doubt their sincerity.

I've felt what you're feeling before, and it is frusterating. Have you talked to the people in your life about what you're feeling. The only way that they can change is if you tell them what you're feeling. As obvious as it may seem to you, it may not be as obvious to them. Anger is a frusterating thing...I'm still not very good at expressing it, and I know most of the time when I'm mad I want to SI, because then I could have control over that feeling. I like to yell when I'm mad, so sometimes I'll go sit in my car and yell as loud as I can, and that feels a bit better. But the way I feel the best is when I talk to someone, get my frusterations out. Even if I may not be truly justified to feel a certain way, it helps to get it out and verbally work though it. Take care of yourself.

I'm hesitant to reply to this right now because I'm afraid of my reply becoming all about me instead of about what you need right now. I do see what you're saying, but I think me expanding on that right now would not be helpful to you.

I don't know if I can help you much with this until I get back later, but could you think about this question for a bit? Is the reason, or part of the reason, that you want to SI because you don't know if your anger and frustration is appropriate so you want to turn it in on yourself to express it?