after..(wierded out)

typ2 · Post by **typ2** » Sat Oct 15, 2005 7:22 pm

I O.D'd on thursday. Not intentionally, started drinking couldn't stop,had to make myself sick.

Definately ashamed, I never feel ashamed after I've s.i'd but this was not the same, havn't figured out how its different yet.

I'm not prone to s.u or even su thoughts.

Need to thinksome more...

balletomane · Post by **balletomane** » Sat Oct 15, 2005 7:39 pm

Do you feel that the action came from a frustrated/impulsive place? a hopeless place?

can you describe your feelings and thoughts before and after a little more?

also, are you physically taken care of right now?

typ2 · Post by **typ2** » Sat Oct 15, 2005 8:46 pm

Yeh, physically I'm fine.

This last month has been nothing short of personal hell for me.

My ex and I fell out and he abducted our son,and in that same instant any hopes for us repairing our relationship were dashed. (we'd been together 7 years and have 2 children together plus other kids by previous partners)

I havn't had time to feel anything. And whats worse is I know those feelings are going to catch me up. This was impulsive, I wasn't feeling down at the time although my favourite rat had been put down that evening as well.

I knew I should feel something but I just didn't .

Emotionally I was manic, when I knew I should be depressed. I hate that my bi-polar means I don't respond to things properly.

After I was disgusted with myself and I rarley feel like that, even after a manic episode that leads to casual sex or drug use, but this time I was scared. And I don't scare easy, which makes me wonder if I was as close to the edge as I think I might have been.

Sometimes your body knows things you aren't conscieously aware of.
Most of all that I nearly left my children through bloody minded stupidity is making me quite annoyed.

balletomane · Post by **balletomane** » Sun Oct 16, 2005 6:06 pm

I am sorry you are facing such a tough situation.

What resources are available to you in terms of real life support? Especially legal counsel, etc. to help with the situation with your parner?

I think you are on to something when you said that the body knows things the mind isn't conscious of. Do you think you can use that awareness to recognize your feelings and perhaps dissipate their intensity?

typ2 · Post by **typ2** » Sun Oct 16, 2005 8:28 pm

Legally thats all taken care of. Its just to go up in court its emotionally I'm screwed, I'm not good face to face, whenever I'm at my psyche assesment I can rationalise everything and appear entirely calm.

My Gp is great but mental health isn't her forte.

It not that I don't feel anything its that I feel everything and it just won't stop. So I s.i or use d.a to stop the constant barrage of information and emotions.
But I have real issue's with people face to face generally I don't like them. And it doesn't take me long to find a reason not to trust them.

balletomane · Post by **balletomane** » Tue Oct 18, 2005 6:41 pm

one thing that really struck me was your description of feeling everyhting at once. What other ways can you interrupt those thought/feelings? I know for me, sometimes stopping the flow of feelings for a second can help me reduce their intensity.

typ2 · Post by **typ2** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 6:02 am

I havn' t found an effective and non-destrucve method of putting everything on hold. Its a vicious cycle,and it can come on without any paticular trigger.

This then frustrates me,and i get irritable which makes me annoyed with myself for not being able to comtrol myself or respond to things in a reasonable way. Which just makes it worse.

Its only in the last year or so that I've learned to warn those around me in advance if I'm having one of "those" days,and if I do behave unreasonably I make a point of apopologising as soon afterwards as I can. Even if , at the time I don't want to. I used to just pick at something someone had done "wrong" then vent my fury at them,and leave them with the blame.

I have found that since I've taken ownership of that my outward explosions are less intense, and definateley less aggressive.

But I still find myself emotionally locked in. so that I'm never sure why I'm feeling like this, or where its comming from.

okie · Post by **okie** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 3:48 pm

I've done the drinking thing twice. It is very scary. Somehow it catches you and before you know it (because, you know, I drink on a regular basis so I don't think I can overdo to the point of no return), it's out of control. I hate to think what would have happened if, well, I was able to call someone and they came quickly.

But when it happened to me, I was out to get seriously messed up but had no thoughts of SU at the time.

Glad you're OK, but it's definitely one to be careful with.

Odette

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