before--very urgey
Posted: Thu Oct 13, 2005 11:25 pm
Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
my mother of course. i let my buttons get pushed. she treats me like the worthless step-dtr. it's always about her. she cannot see how spiteful and hurtful she is and i'm tired of always being her whipping boy.
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
hell yes i've been here before. i've si'd. i've not si'd. i've drank, i've not drank. i've gone shopping i've cleaned house.
when i don't si or drink, i'm stuck with the emotions and it sucks and it hurts and i want to scream and rage and cry. but when it's past, i'm glad i didn't si. when i shop, i get mad atmyself for spending the money. when i do si, immediate relief, then varying levels of remorse afterwards.
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i called a friend. i vented in my LJ. i vented in my place. i vented in coping. i drank a diet pepsi.
i can get out of the house b4 i do si. i can go to the lumber store and get the wood i need. i can randomly run away and hang out where the ladies are.
How do I feel right now?
sad, hurt, belittled, terrible headache and muscle tension in my neck and back. i want to cry but am refusing to do so.
How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
deserving of punishment, then relieved then numb.
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
numb. tomorrow i'll be sore. i may or may not care that i si'd. as long as i don't drink, i don't much care.
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
my mother...i'd LOVE to avoid her but can't. i've been working on boundaries with this woman for nearly a year. it's better but it's an ongoing project. once i get my kids back in my legal custody, then i come out, will probly alienate both parents and that'll be the end of them bugging me, or else it will start a whole new level of interference in my life
Do I need to hurt myself?
yes
my mother of course. i let my buttons get pushed. she treats me like the worthless step-dtr. it's always about her. she cannot see how spiteful and hurtful she is and i'm tired of always being her whipping boy.
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
hell yes i've been here before. i've si'd. i've not si'd. i've drank, i've not drank. i've gone shopping i've cleaned house.
when i don't si or drink, i'm stuck with the emotions and it sucks and it hurts and i want to scream and rage and cry. but when it's past, i'm glad i didn't si. when i shop, i get mad atmyself for spending the money. when i do si, immediate relief, then varying levels of remorse afterwards.
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i called a friend. i vented in my LJ. i vented in my place. i vented in coping. i drank a diet pepsi.
i can get out of the house b4 i do si. i can go to the lumber store and get the wood i need. i can randomly run away and hang out where the ladies are.
How do I feel right now?
sad, hurt, belittled, terrible headache and muscle tension in my neck and back. i want to cry but am refusing to do so.
How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
deserving of punishment, then relieved then numb.
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
numb. tomorrow i'll be sore. i may or may not care that i si'd. as long as i don't drink, i don't much care.
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
my mother...i'd LOVE to avoid her but can't. i've been working on boundaries with this woman for nearly a year. it's better but it's an ongoing project. once i get my kids back in my legal custody, then i come out, will probly alienate both parents and that'll be the end of them bugging me, or else it will start a whole new level of interference in my life
Do I need to hurt myself?
yes
