after (think i'm angry)

[swanfaerie]

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yeah

what had happened just before?
build-up of stress. deciding factor was feeling overwhelmed with forms i had to fill out.

what were you thinking and feeling?
fear. i was thinking how i let something wait too long and i was never gonna get it done. tried to distract online and only realized that i felt like a complete and utter failure at everything

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
cuz i was seriously considering going to the liquor store. and i cannot drink, so sh was the option left. why now? besides everything that happened today, i was home alone and plenty of means and opportunity.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
it all started with the intake appt last week for new t. then finding out it was more of an interview to see if they'd even take me on as a client, not an intake session get history about me.
moved on to not being able to find my mailbox key for over a week. getting a bizarre email from the ex triggered tho'ts of being manipulated, and fear cuz i sensed anger from her. then realized i had these forms that had to be completed and i couldn't find the stuff i needed and getting overwhelmed.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how
nope. slept good for 1 or 2 days now. no meds to take. no booze.....

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
tried bus. tried lj. tried online games. housework. calling a friend. calling another friend. emailing a third friend. none of these things worked.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
i need a freaking t.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
what's there to remember? i'm at the mercy of this office making their decision and calling me back.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
no it's not resolved. i want to take a break from it but i can't. literally i do not have the time to take a break. i did get a new mailbox key.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
i get all switchy. i get angry. i cry. i feel afraid.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
if i'm being completely honest, i can say i don't want to think of three things. i want a t. but right now i have to accept that all i can do is wait. i was told not to even call until 2 weeks have passed from the appt.

and, i'm angry. and i don't want to think about why when i don't have a safe place to process it.

[Licentia Poetica]

Firstly,

Secondly, I think you have the right to be angry. I really do. They should at the very least have told you it was soem type of a 'decision' interview.

Okay, but I think we need to find ways to not let your anger get in the way of keeping yourself okay and safe until you can find a t.

i did get a new mailbox key.

Excellent move. That's one thing you've done to minimise your stress. Let's look at other things you can do.

How are these forms going? Have you filled them out? If so, great! If not, can you set a specific amount of time where you're just going to *do* them and not worry about *anything else*. If you worry about everything at once, you'll never get *anything* done.

tried bus. tried lj. tried online games. housework. calling a friend. calling another friend. emailing a third friend. none of these things worked.

*why* didn't they work though? How can we get them to work better in the future? Maybe we could work on trying to be more communicative with friends. Or work on asking them precisely for what you need. What about calling a helpline?

what's there to remember? i'm at the mercy of this office making their decision and calling me back.

Okay, I understand how frustrating that could be. Have you looked at other options if this one doesn't come through? You need a backup, and you need it preferably *before* they intend to call you back, in case you get back news, and feel the need to hurt yourself again. Surely there must be other T's in your area. Have you tried contacting your local mental health team? Or your GP (normal doctor)? They may be able to recommend someone.

literally i do not have the time to take a break.

Yes, you do. You *have* to. You sound really stressed to me, and if you don't take a short break (even just a couple of hours to see a funny movie or get a massage) then you might end up not getting anything done at all. Getting half done with a break is better than nothing. Plus you might find that after taking a break you will be able to do things faster because you're not as stressed.

if i'm being completely honest, i can say i don't want to think of three things

Okay, fair enough. I'd be a hypocrite if I said I always wanted tp think of ways to stop hurting myself either. But, when you *do* get a T, don't you think that this is one of the things they're going to ask you? Or one of the things they'll want to work with you on? Why not spent the next 2 weeks on getting a step ahead and looking & thinking abotu things you can do. If you still can't, pm me and I'll make a list for you. (I love making lists). In the meantime, think about why calling friends and emailing people and BUS. Maybe we can get *them* to work more effectively.

Despite the fact that you ended up SI'ing. I'm proud of you for not drinking.

Lastly, is there anything I can do right now to help you?

el.

[swanfaerie]

i read your post el. i'm in no shape to respond. running on depression, fear and anger. trying to respond isn't a good idea right now.

but thank you for taking the time to reply.

[Licentia Poetica]

That's okay.

Keep hanging in there Swannie.

I'm a pm away if you need anything.

[swanfaerie]

ok. maybe i better respond since i just posted a before.

i spent monday taking a break by avoiding what had to be done tuesday. scary thing is, i enjoyed si'ing. i enjoyed it too much. i've never really *enjoyed* it before.

so i got the papers done tuesday. but it was a hellish day getting them done.

as for the t thing....i spent a month trying to find a place w/sliding scale fee for people w/o insurance, and not staffed by students. a whole freaking month. so if they don't take me (cuz all the other places i called either used students or i didn't meet their qualifications) then i'm basically screwed.
---i did call today and the person making the decisions is still looking at intakes done b4 mine, so that just means she hasn't gotten to mine yet. no news is good news.

why the other things didnt' work? i'm thinking (hindsight helps you know) that it was cuz i was very switchy and two of us were out at once for awhile and it made it very difficult to cope. as for calling helplines, i don't trust them. they've called the cops on me too many times and when i'm urgy/triggered but not suicidal, they don't seem to understand the difference cuz they don't *know* me so they go to default/panic mode.

i might be willing to email the samaritans. i've done that b4 and they're safe. and they seem to be good at what they do.

as far as talking to t about the si. that's not one of my therapy goals. the si was dormant for 10 months. most of the time i can manage w/o resorting to si. my goals are working on thinking errors and learning to better stop my fatalistic/catastrophic thinking the anxiety and emotions that goes with it. that and a few other issues.

ugh. that's enuf for now. i need to go upstairs and hide b4 kids get home from school.

[Licentia Poetica]

i spent monday taking a break

im glad

so i got the papers done tuesday. but it was a hellish day getting them done.

im very proud of you. the hell of the task should make you feel better that it's done.

i might be willing to email the samaritans. i've done that b4 and they're safe. and they seem to be good at what they do.

im glad you found another means of coping for a little while at least.



remember you can always pm me.