before
Posted: Mon Sep 26, 2005 9:36 pm
i feel a bit of a fraud writing this, because i know that i am not using it for its proper purpose. i know i will cut; but i know also that i am cutting as a replacement for talking, so this is an attempt at taking a first step towards opening up.
i also realise as i write this, that i sound exactly like the front i am putting on constantly - i am writing in character. i am calm, capable and coping.
how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
the situation will not change, but it will not become worse. it will continue. i will just be articulating feelings that i dont want to understand and don't want to voice for fear of how painful and horrific the realisation of the situation will then become.
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will bring a sense of familiarity to the situation, as it will be what i have done every time i have been hurt before. this will turn him from an individual and a person into another exboyfriend figure, and will place him neatly in the line. i will not be dealing with the emotions surrounding him, but making the situation feel normal and dealable. otherwise, it will be What I Do.
next week, people will see (or i will let them see, because i am unfortunately desperate for someone to see that i hurt) and i will feel guilty for making them upset and angry at myself for being so needy and attention-seeking.
otherwise, i know that i am partly doing this to show him how much i hurt. i don't like that i need to do that, to make him feel bad, because i know he already is. he is also a friend, and i don't like hurting him. but more of me needs to do it than cares about friends, which is something i hate.
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i don't know. i am worried that i see it as something i should be doing.
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
at the moment, it is daily, so not long. i will cut again.
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i could read my book and feel productive, or sort out my files. this won't change the situation at all, but will lighten the load tomorrow. otherwise, i don't think there is much. i doubt my friends will want to hear from me, and all i will do is put the mask on and be all happy, and its quite hard to tell someone you are near-suicidal when you sound confident and perky.
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
i will feel just the same, either way.
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i really want to cut. i'm sorry. i just wanted to try to express something. nothing is working at the moment, and i have no idea how i'm going to cope with the emotions of next week when i see him, am around him, and when he is no longer an abstract concept but a living person that i love. i have no idea how to protect myself from this, and i dont think i can. i am fearful and scared and angry and tired of it, and tired of the pretense i keep up that frustrates any attempt to break down on people and show how desperate i am. i hurt, and i cannot deal with it.
i also realise as i write this, that i sound exactly like the front i am putting on constantly - i am writing in character. i am calm, capable and coping.
how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
the situation will not change, but it will not become worse. it will continue. i will just be articulating feelings that i dont want to understand and don't want to voice for fear of how painful and horrific the realisation of the situation will then become.
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will bring a sense of familiarity to the situation, as it will be what i have done every time i have been hurt before. this will turn him from an individual and a person into another exboyfriend figure, and will place him neatly in the line. i will not be dealing with the emotions surrounding him, but making the situation feel normal and dealable. otherwise, it will be What I Do.
next week, people will see (or i will let them see, because i am unfortunately desperate for someone to see that i hurt) and i will feel guilty for making them upset and angry at myself for being so needy and attention-seeking.
otherwise, i know that i am partly doing this to show him how much i hurt. i don't like that i need to do that, to make him feel bad, because i know he already is. he is also a friend, and i don't like hurting him. but more of me needs to do it than cares about friends, which is something i hate.
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i don't know. i am worried that i see it as something i should be doing.
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
at the moment, it is daily, so not long. i will cut again.
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i could read my book and feel productive, or sort out my files. this won't change the situation at all, but will lighten the load tomorrow. otherwise, i don't think there is much. i doubt my friends will want to hear from me, and all i will do is put the mask on and be all happy, and its quite hard to tell someone you are near-suicidal when you sound confident and perky.
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
i will feel just the same, either way.
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i really want to cut. i'm sorry. i just wanted to try to express something. nothing is working at the moment, and i have no idea how i'm going to cope with the emotions of next week when i see him, am around him, and when he is no longer an abstract concept but a living person that i love. i have no idea how to protect myself from this, and i dont think i can. i am fearful and scared and angry and tired of it, and tired of the pretense i keep up that frustrates any attempt to break down on people and show how desperate i am. i hurt, and i cannot deal with it.
Panda