before
Posted: Tue Sep 20, 2005 5:22 am
how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I’ll get a release. I’ll feel. I won’t feel the mounting pressure inside of me
that I need to need need need need need to do it. That’ll be gone. I’ll
feel relaxed, but I’ll also feel devastated because it’ll break the over a
year status I’ve finally been able to realize. I’ll cry.
Basically the feeling won’t change, except I won’t feel it for a while. It’ll
go away.
what will hurting myself bring to the situation?
chaos. wounds. relief. a piece of peace.
what will it take away from the situation?
chaos. the incessant urge. anxiety.
how do i want to feel about this in the long run?
I never want to do it again. I never want the urges again. ever. I want to
be and stay happy and safe.
is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
farther. and farther.
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last?
obviously it isn't the best option. I'd rather have a cigarette actually. but
seeing as I've quitted that too, I think this is why all the urges are
spiraling into one determined urge to try to get me to cut.
the relief would last probably a little while, until I would get another urge
to do it again.
what will i do then?
in the past, the more I cut, the more likely I was to do it again and more
often. so if I did it now, I'd probably do it again the next time the urge
hits.
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself?
go to sleep. I'm getting so tired. I can't fight off this urge alone while my
bf's at work. I can't fight off these tears much longer. I can't not do this
much longer.
how will it change the situation i'm in?
well, I'd be unconscious so I wouldn't have to physically/mentally
/emotionally deal with it. I'd be hoping for a hell of a better morning,
with my attitudes and feelings changed for the better.
how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
it'll probably last a little while, til tomorrow afternoon or evening when
I'm at work. it'll probably start bothering me again b/c I'll be getting
tired and there are so many sharp objects I could easily get a hold of
there.
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself?
disappointed. dead. ashamed.
how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
hopefully rested and less anxious.
what do i really want to do right now?
cut. have a cigarette. go to sleep/cry myself to sleep.
how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
protect myself by calling my bf and then going to sleep? or is that just
ignoring it all? but he knows about it all. I don't know. I can't think
anymore tonight.
I"M GOING TO SLEEP! 
I"M NOT GONNA CUT DAMMIT!
I’ll get a release. I’ll feel. I won’t feel the mounting pressure inside of me
that I need to need need need need need to do it. That’ll be gone. I’ll
feel relaxed, but I’ll also feel devastated because it’ll break the over a
year status I’ve finally been able to realize. I’ll cry.
Basically the feeling won’t change, except I won’t feel it for a while. It’ll
go away.
what will hurting myself bring to the situation?
chaos. wounds. relief. a piece of peace.
what will it take away from the situation?
chaos. the incessant urge. anxiety.
how do i want to feel about this in the long run?
I never want to do it again. I never want the urges again. ever. I want to
be and stay happy and safe.
is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
farther. and farther.
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last?
obviously it isn't the best option. I'd rather have a cigarette actually. but
seeing as I've quitted that too, I think this is why all the urges are
spiraling into one determined urge to try to get me to cut.
the relief would last probably a little while, until I would get another urge
to do it again.
what will i do then?
in the past, the more I cut, the more likely I was to do it again and more
often. so if I did it now, I'd probably do it again the next time the urge
hits.
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself?
go to sleep. I'm getting so tired. I can't fight off this urge alone while my
bf's at work. I can't fight off these tears much longer. I can't not do this
much longer.
how will it change the situation i'm in?
well, I'd be unconscious so I wouldn't have to physically/mentally
/emotionally deal with it. I'd be hoping for a hell of a better morning,
with my attitudes and feelings changed for the better.
how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
it'll probably last a little while, til tomorrow afternoon or evening when
I'm at work. it'll probably start bothering me again b/c I'll be getting
tired and there are so many sharp objects I could easily get a hold of
there.
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself?
disappointed. dead. ashamed.
how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
hopefully rested and less anxious.
what do i really want to do right now?
cut. have a cigarette. go to sleep/cry myself to sleep.
how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
protect myself by calling my bf and then going to sleep? or is that just
ignoring it all? but he knows about it all. I don't know. I can't think
anymore tonight.
I"M GOING TO SLEEP! I"M NOT GONNA CUT DAMMIT! 