bus

How will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I wont feel so numb. I'll feel alive finally. I'll feel bad...but i'd rather feel that, than feeling completely dead. I havent SIed in a long time...i've given it up, but had 1 slip since. I dont see the point anymore...i cant see myself living for much longer, so what's stopping me from SIing?

I feel so anxious right now....i didnt think it was even possible to feel numb and anxious at the same time. I just want this to stop...i want to feel again.

What will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring a few things to the situation. I'll feel a lot better, but i'll also feel like a complete failure for letting this urge take control of me. It'll give me another reason to feel SU, which i dont think i'm going to be able to take for much longer. But it will also show me that i can still feel...that i'm still here.

It wil take away some of this stress and build-up. But it will also add much more, as i'll feel awful afterwards. I'll have to hid me scars, and lie about them to my family again. I thought my days of lying were over, and i dont want them to ever come back.

How do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I'll feel awful. I'll have failed...again. I'll hate myself. Completely. I'll have fucked up again But in the end, all i'm seeing right now is SU, so i suppose it'll bring me closer to that road.

If hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
It'll last a few minutes An hour maybe. But as soon as i see the scar, all relief will be gone. I'll probably feel like SIing again, and again, until i can basically crawl into a hole. I dont have the energy to do anything right now...i truly dont.

What is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could stay on BUS, i could go and talk to my mom a little. It wont last long, and whenever i go to bed (which isnt too far away now), my urges always get uncontrollable. I'll just try to find more and more things to keep me occupied...hopefully it will last the remainder of the night, and i'll be able to fall asleep quickly.

How will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I'll feel awful, ashamed, scared that my mom will find out and be disappointed in me. If i dont SI, i'll feel slightly better, but the urges wont stop. They never stop. Not until i give in. I cant see why i should be delaying the matter, when i have an awful feeling i'm going to give in eventually.

What do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I really want to SI. Really want to. My head is spinning, and i can barely concentrate on anything right now....its all i can think about. But, i'll try to hold out, because i know that this is just one vicious cycle that will never end if i give in.

~ Nat

What other non-injurious things can you do to feel? You are here and you are real. But what other ways can you feel that? Have you tried sticking your hands or face into cold water? Eating something strongly flavored or smelling something strongly scented? How about doing some sort of exercise, even if it is only simple stretches? Perhaps try reconnecting to each of your senses in a mindful and controlled way.

You can make it through this difficult time, and SU is not a necessary end. You can work through all of the pain and numbness and feel truly alive.

if you're feeling numb then how do you know you're feeling anxious? a lot of the time physical sensations go along with emotions. eg. if you're feeling anxious then your leg might feel jittery or your heart might be beating more quickly. sometimes really focusing on how your body is feeling can provide clues as to what emotion might be going on... & also help you feel less numb.

I dont see the point anymore
--you don't see the point atm. sounds like it's because of the emotions & thoughts going on for you atm. emotions & thoughts change. & really if you stopped working towards things everytime you couldn't see the point/didn't want to... you'd probably not get too far.

i cant see myself living for much longer, so what's stopping me from SIing?
--you're not dead yet. & several of us here... have lived a helluva lot longer than we ever imagined. you're not dead yet. & so long as you're not dead your life can change. only you can change it. only you can stop yourself from si'ing. & i certainly hope that you do.
it's hard... & often it does seem utterly pointless. it can be done though.

what could you do other than si?

Thankyou both so much for your replies

balletomane wrote:What other non-injurious things can you do to feel? You are here and you are real. But what other ways can you feel that?

I suppose i can do things which do make me feel (like the things you suggested). Writing has always been a good way to bring emotions up when i'm feeling numb, so i could definitely try that. But i will definitely try your suggestions...thanks *hugs, if ok*

plantt wrote:if you're feeling numb then how do you know you're feeling anxious?

I was feeling numb, not in a physical way, but almost dead to the world. Completely energyless, mindless...basically numb (or what i consider to be feeling numb). But my heart was beating pretty fast, so in a sense, that made me feel anxious. My need to SI made me feel anxious. I know that sounds vyer stupid and contradictory, but i'm not too good at explaining how i'm feeling.

plantt wrote:emotions & thoughts change. & really if you stopped working towards things everytime you couldn't see the point/didn't want to... you'd probably not get too far.

*nods* I know...i realise that in a few years (or maybe even months), things might be very different. The only thing is...i truly cant see that happening, so i think that's caused me to give up.

plantt wrote:only you can change it. only you can stop yourself from si'ing. & i certainly hope that you do.

I certainly hope i do too I know its up to me, and no-one else can do it for me, so i'll just have to pull through. You're right...if others can do it, then I can.

plantt wrote:what could you do other than si?

A number of things really...
Go and talk to either my mom or my sister, who know about my SI, and would be able to help.
Get out of my room....my room holds many memories for me, and i find that simply being in it is very triggering.
Immerse myself in work (as hard as it is to concentrate)
Spend time on BUS, distracting myself as much as i can.
Writing down what i'm feeling.

Thanks so much to the both of you. I think i'll be able to hold up...i got through the night and day, so that's a good sign

~ Nat

Mab wrote:Would it be possible to swap rooms with someone else in your household, like your sister? Perhaps if you sat down and talked with your family about the problems your room causes for you they could come up with a solution. If you can't swap maybe redecorating and moving the furniture about could help it feel less like a triggery place.

mab

I dont think swapping would be possible...it'd be way to much of a hassle for my family for just one little thing. We might be renovating our place soon, so i'm really really hoping that might happen. If not, then changing around a few things might work. Thankyou for the suggestion

~ Nat