bus

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I’ve been struggling through a bit of a hard time right now…no, lets start off by being honest to myself, it’s been a hell of a hard time. For a week and a half I’ve been wanting to si and haven’t b/c I’ve been too scared that I would badly hurt myself and that is not what I ever want. Tonight I’m not feeling so scared anymore, feeling like I’m more in control of that part of it. Kind of strange, I feel more in control so I’m okay with si’ing…can’t say it makes much sense to me either.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Yeah, I’ve been here before, went through a break down, ended up in the local hospital unable to talk to people…really wanting to but just withdrawn so far that I couldn’t seem to manage to do so. Once I started talking again I was transferred to a place that is kind of a halfway stage, not IP, but not back home either where I had time to take care of just me and learn some stuff about myself. I felt better after almost a week, more able to go back to doing what I do in life.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I’ve talked with my SO, my T, the emerg doctors, the doctor covering for my family doctor. I’ve spent time with my family, gone for coffee with friends, talked with online friends, taken bubble baths. I’ve walked my dogs, tried napping, gone out each day to do something, make sure I’m getting out of the house. Called friends long distance, talked with them, arranged time off work to help take care of myself, done some housecleaning. Drank hot chocolate, cuddled with my cats, cuddled with my stuffed rafki, and cried. I’ve spent time writing in my place on bus, posted in a few places for extra support tried working on the new techniques to do with DBT I’ve recently started and now I’m doing this. What else can I do that won’t hurt me…I can’t say as I so much know which is maybe part of the problem, I’m beginning to feel like I’m running out of things.

How do I feel right now?

Tired, emotionally, mentally, a bit physically. I feel stressed, alone, lonely, frustrated, angry, sad, disappointed, lost and confused.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

I don’t know for sure…if it follows the normal pattern, more focused and less inside confusion.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

Exhausted and on some strange level a bit better. Tomorrow morning I don’t know, a little bit upset with myself for having choosen to si, b/c that’s what it is now… a choice I make to get through something. When I first started si’ing I didn’t realize that at all…was just something I did when things got too much, didn’t do any thinking about it. I’m digressing here though, I’d feel a bit upset perhaps b/c I’m working on not si’ing.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

Nope, can’t really avoid the stressor. As for dealing with it better in the future…that’s what I’m working towards learning.

What do I really want to do right now? How can I best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I want to feel safe, I want to take care of me, and me alone…not feel like I have to worry about other people, not have to deal with answering the phone, making calls tomorrow, wondering what I’m making for supper, feeding animals or anything. I want to focus on me and me alone so that I can get myself through this one. As for the second half..I don’t really know right now.
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