bus

* have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
no, they don't need anything.

* what had happened just before?
I was reading a book in my room.

* what were you thinking and feeling?
I have been having urges for several days...haven't acted on them much. But things seem to keep building and building and I wasn't able to get on BUS or get much privacy and it built more...and tonight I didn't expect to be able to get on BUS. And I was upset with myself for urges and intrusive thoughts and eating too much and all sorts of things. I felt like my head was spinning...so I tried other things. Tried to get some space by myself. Tried sleeping. Tried reading. Tried eating (again ). Nothing really helped, although I expect I could have kept from SIing if I had just kept doing them.

* why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
I didn't want to try anymore. It seemed so pointless not to do it when I knew it would help and I would feel better. And it isn't hurting anyone except me (and maybe any of you who read this...uh oh. Bad logic. Says hiding from BUS would be a responsible thing to do. I know not being on BUS contributed to this.) I can't think of any particular thing that set me off...I had been fighting it for so long, I don't know when I stopped fighting and started giving in.

* how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
I don't know. I could have made a different decision at any point, even to the point of getting the tool out. But I didn't. That concerns me...I didn't want to stop. I really want my tool. If I could get my tool I would probably do it again. There seems no point in resisting it...and I know I am not thinking clearly about this right now.

* were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
No outside factors other than tons of contact with people and very little access to support.

* what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I tried games, reading, cleaning, sleeping, and eating...maybe some other stuff I can't think of right now. Nothing really changed the feelings or situation much. It just filled time.

* in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
I think it would have helped if I could have gotten on here, but it might have actually made things worse...I don't know. I didn't have that option, so I have to look for other ones. Really, I can't think of anything that would have made any difference. I just gave up.

* name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
um...don't know what to say.

* how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
I don't know exactly what the situation was. I don't know why I wanted to SI so much. I just did...and it lasted a long time. And I have no idea how to resolve it.

* are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
yes, but I probably won't be able to identify it except by the urges.

* what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
I don't know. I will try to get on BUS, but I tried this time and couldn't.
I don't have any idea what would have actually helped...

It has taken me a while to be able to reply...I think I was still more in the middle of the situation than I had realized. Trying to get some distance now and think a bit more clearly...

Was not being able to get on BUS the residing factor in your SI? It sounds like you were frustrated and angry that people wouldn't leave you alone long enough to get your head together. Do you think if you had some peace and quiet with no interruptions you would have been able to work through your issues better?

I think not being able to get to BUS was part of it...but I think, looking back, that BUS probably couldn't have done enough to stop me either. I just wasn't handling the feelings well, and I am not sure that anyone here could have said anything to change that. It is easier if I can blame the slip on something external...like not being able to get on the computer. But the reality is that I slipped because I didn't keep trying. I reached a point where I stopped trying not to slip. I could have changed that by myself, without help from BUS. The support might have helped...but I could have done it myself.
I was frustrated because I felt so crowded and like there were a lot of demands on me. And I think there were...however, I could have done a better job of getting space. I got it by sleeping or reading...but those don't put a lot of distance between me and the pressure. I also think a lot of the reason I couldn't escape the pressure is that it is coming from my expectations, not just from other people's actions. Just because someone is unhappy doesn't mean it is my responsiblity to "fix" it or to try to make it better. But sometimes I think it is...and that is more pressure than I can handle when too many people get upset at once. I think if I had been able to get away from other people for a while, I might have been able to alter my expectations of myself. I can't really go very far, but I could have taken a walk in the woods. Or I could have stayed in bed even after I was awake and pretended to be asleep. Or (as someone suggested in my place) I could have done some writing about the situation...that might have helped me clear my head, get some feelings out, and change my expectations of myself.
I know I need strategies for handling urges that don't involve BUS. I thought I had several...it just wasn't enough. Well...it would have been if I had used them better. But I didn't.
When I read the paragraph about BUS not being here to hold me up and being dependent on BUS, it really bothered me. I know it hurt a bit and I got a bit angry...I have always held on to my independence rather fiercely. And to hear the word dependent in relationship to me...didn't like it. Yet in reading back over my post, that is how it came across...I was mad cause I hadn't been able to have BUS rescue me from the evil urges. But reality is that BUS can't. And never could. And...I am rather ashamed of myself for writing something that sounded like that. Having lots of really strong feelings about this issue that I can't find words for and all my thoughts keep getting mixed up. Probably something I should come back to later.
As for naming my emotions...working on that. (Mab sounds like my old T...hmmm) I am much better at naming them when they are not so intense...the stronger they get, the less I am able to put words on them. And I let them get way too strong this time...couldn't find any words. Still having trouble finding words. But...will be working on that.

NobodyToYou wrote: As for naming my emotions...working on that. (Mab sounds like my old T...hmmm) I am much better at naming them when they are not so intense...the stronger they get, the less I am able to put words on them. And I let them get way too strong this time...couldn't find any words. Still having trouble finding words. But...will be working on that.

I just remembered a thread from the sourcebook - maybe you already know it - about naming emotions:
viewtopic.php?t=6769

maybe that'll help? there's a lot of information in there..