bus

have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yeh. scratches. under the shower. they're ok.


what had happened just before?
i've been fighting the urges for days. i was trying to chat it away in chatrooms. it wasn't enough. i should have known. shower's been triggery lately... but i showered anyway. i should have waited till tomorrow.


what were you thinking and feeling?
i was panicking! the flashbacks and thoughts were attacking me and i thought, hell, they say your mind gives you only as much as you can take! but i can't take it anymore! so stop! but it wouldn'T stop. i was panicked. i was trying to think of people i could call, but there's nobody... so i broke down and did the only thing i could think of...


why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
the shower. the shower's bad lately. i don'T even know why. i have no defenite memory connected with showers. none at all. why in the shower? why does it trigger me?! i should have waited... dammit.


how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
i should have called somebody way earlier today. it was two am when i finally broke down after trying all day to fight this alone. i already caught myself trying to cut myself with the elevator card at work today (luckily made out of paper). i was totally dissociated and didn'T knwo waht i was doing. i should have called somebody then. asked somebody to talk to me, go out with me tonight, or something...


were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
none really. i have slept enough, didn'T have especially much stress, don'T take drugs or do alc, have been off my meds for months now...


what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i tried talking, but couldn'T bring myself to turn the topic to me. i tried, but i just couldn'T do it. i can't talk about this with anyone. i feel so scared...

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
maybe i should have gotten off the puter and taken a walk with my dog... or really tried writing about what's going on. or maybe watched a movie or something... shoulda opened my emergency box...


name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i will put this after thread in my favorites to look it up when i next want to. and i will put my emergency box in an obvious place so i'll remember to use it.


how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it's not resolved. not at all. i need to talk. people keep telling me i need to talk. even people who don't know me that well tell me i need to start talking or i'll break underneath the weight. it's so scary to talk... i'll try to tell my t...


are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
yeh. too much spacing off, feeling tense and on edge. feeling empty inside my head yet feeling the pressure build up.



what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
1. take a walk with my dog, no matter what the hour to clear my head.
2. call or send a txt message to at least one of my friends or aquaintances so i'll feel like at least somebody'll know that i'm still around and may need help.
3. i'll try, VERY HARD, to talk, or at least write about it.

I don't really have much to say, but wanted to let you know I read your post, heard what you said and can understand about that part of waiting until it's too late to think about calling someone. I've done that too, figured I could make it through and then been the middle of the night when I realize I can't and know it's too late to call anyone. Take gentle care of yourself.

It really can be scary to talk. That singular item has made recovery the most difficult for me, I'm generally a pretty private person. I wish I had a "here's a easy way to make yourself talk" solution, but I really don't. I know forcing myself to talk sometimes works, or what if you wrote down everything you're feeling...I've done that before and it worked kinda the same way. I'm sorry if I haven't been overly helpful...but I just wanted you to know you aren't alone in that aspect, and it is difficult.

thanks guys for the support. yes, notmardy, you're right, talking's a tough one. especially when it tends to scare people a bit when i talk about the deep stuff. thanks for replying. it means a lot.