bus

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

i dunno. i just want the spinning to stop. it will be intense to cut then the spinning will stop. i won't have to break down and cry. i just want it to stop.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

bring: stop the spinning
take away: will not give me a chance to find some healthy way to deal with this feeling

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

in the long run
i want to not have this feeling any more
i don't care if i carve myself to ribbons
i hate myself and don't care
i'm too good looking and i want to be ugly
i don't want people to say i am nice or good or handsome
because i feel cruelo and evil and ugly inside
wow
i didn't even know that
i pity me
carving myself up will get me closer to that goal
but that is a shitty goal

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

last till next time
tomorrow or next week or something
then do it again
hooray

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
leave work (not working anyway)
no idea what i could do
exercise is all i can think of
but the horrible state of my lungs is just depressing
i could actually think about why i feel like this
actually be honest with myself
find the truth
tthat would suck
that would take energy
maybe i can try that a bit
baby steps


how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

if i cut: feel fine who cares fuckitall
if i don't: maybe actually make a small change in my life


what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i really want to die
i really don't want to face life right now
i want to (insert graphic death wish here)
but i won't do that
i haven't killed myself in like 400 years
and being dead is no picnic
what the hell am i talking about??

maybe actually make a small change in my life

i like that part. a lot.
reading through your post... you mention wanting things to stop... & very much give the impression of a lot of hurt in life. & possibly for a brief moment si would cause those feelings to stop. yet as i'm sure you've found... those feelings would come back. si doesn't solve anything.
another option would be to work on changing things. changing things & finding ways to eventually get longer-lasting relief... more healthy ways of dealing with emotions.

exercise is all i can think of
but the horrible state of my lungs is just depressing
--what are some things you could do? the first to my mind would be stretching or yoga of some type. things that would require your body to be moving but don't require a lot of work for lungs.