bus

Okay.

I am fighting a really bad urge right now. I don't know what else to do. I can't think of anything that could have caused this other than the fact that I didn't cut all weekend (which is really good for me). I've done everything I can think of to break the urge but it won't go away. I'm afraid the only way to make it go away is to hurt myself, and I don't want to do that.

I am in an outpatient program that has been helping me and don't want to disappoint them by slipping. They don't see it as a slip, either I did it or I didn't. Does that make sense?

I just don't want to ruin the streak I have going. Six days, today. I can't ruin it but I can't think of anything else to do to stop myself. The only thing I haven't tried is taking a bath, but I can't do that until my mom leaves cuz the jacuzzi is in her room. I don't know if I can make it til then.

Now that I think about it, there is something that could be causing the urge. I have an appt with my gyno coming up and the annual freaks me out severely cuz I have a history of abuse. I don't think I can handle it this year, and I don't know what to do. Any advise?

Other than that, there isn't anything else that could be causing this. I have tried everything and the urge is still there. I know I'm rambling but I can't stop right now or I'll hurt myself. I've painted my nails, sat and journalled, called a friend, cleaned my room, folded my laundry, and gone for a walk. I can't think of anything else except the bath and my mom is still here.

For right now I am at six days and holding.

Please reply,
Emily

Hmm...sounds quite tough. But you are still holding on, so that is very good...As soon as your mom leaves, the bath sounds like a good idea. Until then, maybe coloring, squeezing ice cubes, reading a book, take a nap, or drink hot chocolate? (dont' know that any would help, but it would fill up some time...and sometimes with urges, it is a matter of filling up the time until the urge starts to weaken...at least for me...).
One thing that might help...can you give yourself permission not to go to the appointment, but tell yourself that you will cancel it later? Then you can reconsider later, but for now, it might take some of the stress off of you.
I wish I had better advice for you, but that is all I have for the moment. Keep holding on.

I think that taking a bath is a good idea. If you do, make sure to remove any tools from the room beforehand. Sometimes taking care of your body when you want to hurt it can help urges go away more quickly. Do you have some pretty smelling lotion you could use after you get out?

It may be a good idea to cancel the appointment for the time being, unless going is urgent for some reason. Something I'd really recommend is to call the doctor's office and just be honest about how scared you are. Nowadays, OB-GYN's are trained on how to work with patients with a history of sexual abuse. They can't help you with this if they don't know. They will be extra patient and gentle if they know about your abuse history.

It sounds like you've really done a lot to get through these urges. I know that it's hard, but look at how long you've already managed to keep ahead of SI. You can do this.

I'm thinking of you.

Jessica

Thanks. I ended up getting out of the house. I felt that I was safe enough to drive, so I went and picked up a friend of mine, and we went to the park to swing. It was nice cuz I could focus on her problems instead of mine for a little while. Maybe I'll take that bath tomorrow, but the lotion sounds like a good idea for right now. And I'm gonna read a little before I go to bed.

Thanks for the ideas.

Emily