bus

# have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
don't need it because they are too small to care about.

# what had happened just before?
2 instances of SI today. I can't remember what happened just before the first one, but I don't remember anything in particular. Nothing was actually wrong. The second one, which just happened, I was here on BUS...had been thinking about more SI most of the day...had to get off BUS to go to the bathroom and SIed before I came back.

# what were you thinking and feeling?
Thinking I already messed up my days free and I need to take advantage of the time before I start counting again. So this one was like a "freeby." This tells me that my counting method is not so helpful...maybe good for other days, but not good on days that I have slipped. There seemed no reason not to SI more. But as for feelings...there are also feelings that I didn't SI "well enough" to justify ruining my number of days free. Which wasn't even that large compared to other peoples...just large for me. I cut earlier, and it felt SO good...but by tonight I was kinda regretting it. But rather than say "i wish I hadn't cut" I was saying "I wish if I was going to cut that I had done a lot more." Even now after a second episode (which I kept very superficial, by the way), I am wishing in some ways that I had done a lot more.

# why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
First time, I don't know. I think my Dad went out of the house and I had the opportunity. So I took it....why today, I don't know. The second one...I was away from BUS those few minutes and it just seemed...I don't know. I was going to say it seemed like the right thing to do, but my head was still saying it was the wrong thing. So I don't know exactly. I wasn't even particularly triggered for either of them...just the normal level of urges that have become pretty steady the past few days.

# how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
I could have made tons of different decisions. But I don't think there was really a chain of events that led to SI. I think it was just a couple choices...and I could have decided not to do it. But I didn't...don't know exactly why. I guess the part of me that wanted SI was stronger than the part that didn't...or something.

# were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
The only outside factor recently has been having other people around or not. And that has been a big influence, but I haven't exactly figured out how or what to do with it.

# what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
First incident, I don't really remember. Second incident...posted some stuff in my place. Tried focusing on other people's problems for a bit, which did help while I did it, but stopped helping as soon as I was away from the computer. Other than that...nothing.

# in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
I really am surprised I can't remember stuff from the first incident. I don't think I was depersonalized until after I SIed this time. But I can't really remember anything clearly.
Second incident...should have talked to someone, gone to bed, or...I don't know. Not sure what I wanted from the SI so I don't know how else I could have given myself whatever I needed. I think I need to find a different way to think about counting...can't be all or nothing. Because if I slip in one area, I am likely to do it again or to use other methods too or to let ED behavior back in also. Black and white thinking is not so helpful in this.

# name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
Um...I don't know. I didn't forget, just didn't use what I know.

# how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
Had been struggling for several days with urges that wouldn't go away. Right now they are gone, but it will probably be worse next time when I try to get through them. So...better for now, going to be tough. I don't know that there is any way around that.

# are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Yup. The constant urges will tell me.

# what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
I will...continue posting on BUS rather than deciding I have complained enough and shut up.
tell myself I cannot SI without a specific reason and that I must try at least three seperate things to resolve the problem before SI can be considered.
Change my body temperature, either through exercise or hot or cold shower, to try to disrupt the mood.

Ok...trying to think things through.

Do you think you SI-ed because it was opportunistic rather than because you needed to at that moment?

Probably at least somewhat, for the first episode yesterday. I remember Dad was out of the house...so I felt like I had the opportunity and that I might not have it again for a while. I guess that is what made the difference between trying to resist it and just doing it....If I had resisted it, the option would have gone away. And I wanted it too much to let it go away entirely. I probably coul d have made it if I coul d have played the waiting game or something. But I knew if I tried, it would be a while before I had the chance again. I guess I didn't really need it anymore than I had for the past few days before that...urges were pretty steady for several days.

Perhaps you felt you could give in because you had already slipped once in your free-days so it didn't matter that you did it again....Perhaps it was a slip because you were already feeling guilty that you had not managed to keep on with your free-days?

Yes to both of these...I lost my motivation to try, and I was starting to feel rather yucky emotions about the first slip...there didn't seem like any reason to try not to slip again.
Ok...people in the house. Big issue for me...no one knows I SI. No one is going to know. I won't let them find out. So, having people around makes me much less likely to SI because I don't want to risk getting caught in any way. When I am left alone (which I prefer most of the time right now...I have been living alone and now I am living with 4 other people and sharing a room with one of my sisters. I want my alone time back!) I usually feel a lot better in some ways. Only when I am alone can I come on BUS (all gone to work or other errands right now) or SI, or admit that I am having problems bigger than they know. While they are here...must look normal. So...knowing Dad was going to be coming back kinda pushed me to SI quickly, before I lost my chance. If I had waited, I probably could have made it through...But I don't know if I really wanted to make it through. I really missed my SI. I missed feeling normal and ok. And after SI, I really did. I felt better most of the day. But now...must handle guilt and feelings of failure and wondering if I can really keep trying to recover from this or if I should just give up. Giving up would be so much easier...no one would ever have to find out what I do to cope. I could keep it a secret...yet, I know this is not who I really want to be.
As far as counting goes...I tend to be an "all or nothing" person, and I think that is not helpful here. If I cut once during a day, I have lost the whole day. And I don't count slips as something seperate...If I mess up, I have to start over entirely. And...hard to adjust this thinking. Not entirely sure I want to...seems coddling to adjust counting just because I messed up and feel bad. Like changing a child's grade on a paper because they cried...just not right. Yet, also knowing that current system did contribute to extra cutting last night, because I lost some (ok, almost all) of my motivation. Once I counted the day as a failure, there was no reason to try anymore.
Must think this through and find a better way...without becoming too soft, since I hate that.
Thanks for the questions...they are helping me think, which is tough right now.

Hmm
Nobody don't know if this will be helpful. My last slip sounds so much like this.
First one was spontaneous didn't take the time to think, just grabed my stuff and did it quick while i had the opportunity. Same thing wasn't big or bad enough to lose time for so did another soon after.
The thing that has helped me was I got rid of everything i use. I don't know if that would be a practical sollution or help for you. It has helped me. Not having anything redily available helps me to stop and think before I act.
Don't know ir it's helpful but I'm the same black and wite...full brake full gas type of thinker...all or nothing
I was reading someone else' thread and they slipped yet were celebrating the time they had rather than mourning the loss of more time.
Hope that makes sense. it was an eye opener for me.
Hope things are going better for you


Panda

am wishing in some ways that I had done a lot more.
--would it ever be 'enough'?

I didn't forget, just didn't use what I know.
--are you going to use those things next time? what if you're in a similar position to the one you're describing... how are you going to make sure that you actually *use* other things?

I cannot SI without a specific reason
--that bit confuses me. are you saying that si is ok... so long as there's a reason? si is si. regardless of whether or not there is a reason that you can pinpoint. just as urges are urges.

Pandablue- Very interesting thoughts. I know I would have a hard time being able to "celebrate" when I have just messed up...on the other hand, it might be more effective than the way I currently think. Not always so effective now.
Plantt- I don't know if there would be an "enough" or not. I know it would be better to change this thinking to something else...just not sure exactly how.
I don't know how I can make sure things are different next time. Because they could have been different this time, if I had chosen it. But I didn't. And...I don't know what to do now that will push me toward making better choices in a situation like that. I did manage to avoid SI today...although a huge part of me is saying this is pointless to resist and that it really isn't worth it to try to get better. Is it really going to be better? Or is SI going to give me a better life? I used to think I had an answer...right now my head is too clouded to see. Very discouraged right now. Probably in a few days I will be thinking more clearly again and more ready to take on the struggle again.
In some ways I think I did better this time, even though it wasn't enough. The few days before I slipped had been really tough. And I got through them...but...didn't get through yesterday. I guess I got tired of trying. I need to find ways to build up my endurance or something...I don't know. maybe I am hopeless, since I obviously don't care enough to keep trying.
I don't know what I am thinking about the last thing. I know that I can't make a rule for myself that I will never SI again. Because it sets me up for failure and I hate failure and I know I can't keep that rule. But...maybe by making myself come up with a reason first, I can find other coping skills that would help more...I don't know. I know SI is not ok. I hate what I am doing. But...I don't know. nevermind. it doesn't make any sense.

I did manage to avoid SI today...although a huge part of me is saying this is pointless to resist and that it really isn't worth it to try to get better.

You made it through a day. That's a big thing! "One day at a time" I know this souds cliche but there's a reason for this saying. I think it is like the thought of living for today. If I look to far into the future It tends to mess me up.
I think deep down you know it's not "pointless to resist" I also feel that way when I'm overwhelmed and feeling defeated. Maybe focus on the day you have not the slip of the past.

Or is SI going to give me a better life?

You're feeling defeated now I'm sure you will answer this question when you've had rest.

I know SI is not ok.

In some ways I think I did better this time, even though it wasn't enough. The few days before I slipped had been really tough. And I got through them

This is huge you did make it through some tough days!

but...didn't get through yesterday. I guess I got tired of trying. I need to find ways to build up my endurance or something...I don't know. maybe I am hopeless, since I obviously don't care enough to keep trying

What are some things you can do for yourself? Some fun things just for you?
I think you do care enough to keep trying. You are here aren't you. Try to take it easy on yourself (something I have trouble with).

I hope some of the clouds have cleared for you today.
Take or leave what I have said. I hope some may be useful. Try to make it...one day at a time?



Panda

hi Nobody. It sounds like everyone has given you very good advice. I especially like what Panda said about taking things one day at a time and recognizing that you made it through some tough days and that is an accomplishment.

As you might know, I have a rather different take on counting from what I see on bus. And since it sounds like you are looking for a more typical counting scheme, I think Panda and Mab's advice is a little more relevant. (I think you also already know what my method of counting is--if not, just ask)

Sorry I am not of more help.

not sure I know your counting method...haven't really explored anyones. I just made up my own. But...not such a good one, in some ways. Needs adjusting.

My approach is really unusual:
I never decide to stop SI. Instead I decide to use healthier coping methods. So basically SI is always a possibility, but it's at the end of the list of coping things to do. I don't keep track of how many days it has been since I last used self injury to cope. If I need to know for some reason, I go back and count (though it's usually more of a rough estimate). I found that when I tried to count, even if I used 'slips' it was just too much stress. I guess it is sort of based on the philosophy that that which is forbidden becomes more desirable.

It probably doesn't make much sense, but it works for me.