bus

have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yes

what had happened just before?
working too hard
taking care of wife not of self
just returned from weekend visit to her in laws
wedding, lots and lots of in laws
her dad is a whiny bitch
didn't feel comfortable calling him on it
saw same whininess in wife

what were you thinking and feeling?
dealing with scary SA issues
dealing with painful current sex issues frustration
felt helpless and hopeless


why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
had to watch baby later that day and be good for him
felt i needed to be better NOW NOW NOW

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
i don't know
it just snuck up on me
BANG - crisis mode
i wish i knew

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
seems like all emotional

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
tried bus - not help, just issues to deal with
tried reading - couldn't concentrate on sentence one
too early for movies to be open
tried writing in my journal
just wrote pain pain pain till i ripped the pages

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
must be a total blind spot on this one
can't think of a damn thing
um
um
um
um
maybe some online chat w friend?
felt too scared f'd up si immenent to burden busers

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
ask bus friends if willing to chat in my crisis
only have crisis when i have time to get drunk or go to movies!


how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
not resolved
damn these are useful questions that make me deal with my shit
and it is hard work and i hate this
forgive wife for having slight imperfections
yell at wife's dad when he is a whiny bitch, consequences be damned
get more me time!
take care of me!

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
i really did not see it coming before it was too late

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
1 take the "calm me down" pills
2 take drugs and go to movies
3 have some private time with a magazine

not sure i like 1 or 2 any better
scratch those
3 wouldn't have worked, no way i could have helped myself at that point
leaves me with

4 computer chat w bus buddies

Some things you mentioned stuck out to me:

felt i needed to be better NOW NOW NOW

get more me time!
take care of me!

Could you sit down and make a short list of small things you could work on to get better? Expecting yourself to fix everything immediately is very overwhleming...are there some small steps you could take to get closer to your goal? Maybe keep track of your progress, so the next time you feel like you should be cured, you could look at what you *have* done to improve things?

Also, would it be possible to physically write some time into your schedule to do relaxing things that you enjoy? You could start out with 15 or 30 minutes a day just doing something that you like? Something that *always* causes me to meltdown is not taking enough time to be alone and just relax.

I hope you're feeling better now and can find some ways to avoid slipping in the future. You're in my thoughts.

Jessica

I'm not really sure what to say. It sounds like things are <i>really</i> hard for you right now, and that you're under a lot of pressure that you really don't need.

Asking online friends if you can contact them when you're in a crisis is a good idea, make a list of people you can call/pm/whatever and keep it for emergencies.

Is there any way you can find time to do something you enjoy and wind down? Even if it's five minutes to do something nice for yourself. That might really help. You need to take care of yourself as well as other people, which I know is easy for me to say, but it's true. It can be really hard, but it's worth it if you can.

I hope things ease up for you soon.

had to watch baby later that day and be good for him
felt i needed to be better NOW NOW NOW

if you had not si'ed... what do you think would've happened? would you have actually hurt the baby?

what is it about their whining that makes it so upsetting to you?

have you checked the long lists of distraction ideas on the coping board? i think it can be a wise idea to have a variety of coping options... so that if one doesn't seem terribly appropriate to use at a certain time then another can be.
could you have taken the baby out for a walk... or baked cookies... or made a card house... or done crossword puzzles...

also... if this is a situation that regularly ends with you feeling upset... it might be a thought to discuss it with someone online before going. then maybe you'd feel more that it was alright to discuss because you'd not feel so upset...

hi
thank you

um

plantt
(why do you keep locking your places!?!?!)

did go for a walk w baby
2 hr walk w like 20 min break for the swings at the park
then when we got home he was asleep
then mom got back before he woke

if i didn't si
wouldn't have hurt him
prob would have left him in his crib crying for a bit tho
hate to do that
but don't think i could have thought clearly to think of walking
would have just shut the door and cut then

have checked distractions
wasn't into them
got the feeling they were all female distractions
maybe i am imagining
will check again

talk online before going
dunno
online is getting heavy
dealing is getting heavy
online now just to stop from freaking out

ok

too late

freaking out

freak out

What do you mean by female distractions? (I ask only to see what other distractions to suggest and see if a new list is in order.)

sorry, i'm slow to reply. i agree w/plantt that the coping forum is good, but i is a female and never stopped to consider if the distraction were geared more to females.

if that is the case, could you make up your own list (if you find the coping thread lacking) and post it in coping. i bet there's other men here who would find it useful to read the male perspective.

and good for you for coming to B&A to look at your si.

you say you checked distractions... i mean the list of coping ideas on the coping forum... although a few might be more female-oriented most aren't... there's 'building a card house' etc on there.

could you write down a list of things to try & find ways to help you remember it?