bus

# Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I don't know. I think part of it is that it has been so long. And the urges are getting pretty steady now. It doesn't seem like they come and go. They are just here. And I am still trying to fight them, but getting very tired of fighting.

# Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I have been here before. And eventually I will probably slip, which is what I have always done in the past when I felt like this. And it feels horrible, but in some ways it is a relief. Because it gives just a little while where I don't have to fight so hard. But I am much farther now than I have ever been before...over two weeks. (I know, it doesn't look like much, but it cost a LOT to get here.)

# What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
Over the past few days, I have posted (mainly in place), read books, slept, drank hot chocolate, played a waiting game, reminded myself that I don't want to get caught and fresh injuries could get me caught. Today I have just posted so far. But I haven't done anything today but come on BUS and eat breakfast.
Other options. There are a ton of things I could do. But I am not coming up with anything that would ease the discomfort. If I knew why I was feeling so urgy, I think it would be easier to answer. But i don't. I just am.

# How do I feel right now?
I don't know. Not good. Probably depressed is the best description...but I am having trouble figuring it out. I think I am irritated/disgusted with myself today, but I don't know why.

# How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
I don't know. But I won't still have the evil urges every time I turn around. I would probably be more calm, more able to get things done...but I don't really know.

# How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Good for the first little while. Horrible and guilty and angry with myself after that.

# Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I sure hope so. But I don't know. It may be a matter of just holding on as long as I can and hoping it is enough to get through.

# Do I need to hurt myself?
No. But I hope that is enough to keep me from doing it anyway.

Maybe trying some more distractions would give you enough of a break so you can reasses why you are feeling urgy.

Another thought: if you can't identify what the stressful situation is, it is possible that you are thinking about SI too much right now? Sometimes thinking a lot about something that I am trying to avoid just makes it more tempting.

Also, you said that you are tired of fighting urges. This is just a matter of semantics, but sometimes I find that if I change the language I use, it changes my perspective too. So what if instead of fighting urges, you accept them? That is to say acknowledge that they are there and it might take a while for them to pass, but that doesn't mean you have to give in.

Does that make any sense? Sorry if it isn't very helpful.

Take care of yourself.

tried sleeping...my favorite coping skill. Helped in that I escaped for a bit. But not doing any better now that I am awake again.
I know I am thinking of SI too much...but not in the sense of reading or posting too much. I have been having more and more intrusive thoughts over the past few days. Tons of them. Didn't ask them to come...can't seem to get rid of them. Thinking of SI, picturing SI, different methods of SI...yuck. Go away! But they don't.
I don't really know what I need...perhaps changing the way I am thinking will make it easier to keep going. Maybe I am taking too active an approach (mentally) and it is wearing me out...maybe if I can take a more passive approach (yet still not act on SI urges) I will be able to last longer. I am going to try to do that...not exactly sure how, but I will try.
I guess I am kinda losing confidence that the urges will pass. I used to be able to seperate them...to see times in between when I was ok and didn't want to SI. Now...constantly having urges. Sometimes I am more upset to go with them, but urges are still there even when I am not upset (that I know of...maybe I am always upset...). If they never stop, it is a matter of how long I can hold on before I slip, not a question of if. I can't do this forever...or really even for a few more days. I need them to stop...but I don't think they will.
Probably I am being overly pessimistic. I do that sometimes. I can probably get through this. I am going to try. But...confidence is lacking. Feeling like I must be whining because if I just tried hard enough, surely I could get through this without bothering other people.

You're not whining or bothering anybody.

Why do you feel that the urges will continue indefinitely?

Um...I don't know. Logically I know they probably won't. But...they seem to be indefinite. I can't point to a reason and fix it. There is no way to resolve whatever is causing them. And they just keep coming. I guess it is also that I am more days SI free than I have been since I stared cutting. So...I don't know what happens after this. It just seems like it would continue like it has been...and that would be horrible. I really want it to get easier, but I don't know that it will. Maybe I will just get better at handling it.

What if you thought about it like this:

the urges might go on indefinitely, but then again they might not. When it starts to feel like you've been fighting forever, remember that tomorrow could be the day they stop.

I don't know how you keep your counts of days free, but could that also be adding stress?

I don't know...I think some of the stress is because I have been gone to my brother's house for 5 days and I am home again now. I really didn't expect to make it this long, but I couldn't take my tools on the airplane. Now that I am home...less to keep me safe. And a lot more everyday type stress. And...I don't want to deal with it. The everyday life stress isn't going to get any better and will probably get worse. By friday I will be taking care of my grandparents a lot more, still need to hunt for a job, clean the house, unpack my stuff...so much going on.
Afraid urges are linked to life stress, and if they are, then they will never go away. And...never is a long time. I am probably being too pessimistic. It probably isn't this bad. Just...can't see any hope of things getting better for at least several months. And afraid that means urges will be there too....if they are, I can't last that long. But maybe they won't be.
Still trying hard right now. Not getting any of my useful, important things done, but haven't messed up yet either.
Thoughts and feelings are just not so good right now.

It's okay that you haven't gotten much done--resisting urges is hard work. Just do as much as you can for now.

I think that your urges are tied to life stress, because you have been in the habit of using SI to deal with life stress. I think as you continue to use different coping skills, you will think of them automatically rather than SI when you are stressed.