bus

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

- I'm taking reasonably good care of myself. Allow myself to sleep, eat a bit too much but not that unhealthy, take vitamins, get exercise, take meds properly, limit alcohol to one drink per week. No cutting since March. Am making myself look into possibilities to go back to study. Relationship with boyfriend and kids are ok. I guess I feel like I ought to be feeling better about things than I am. This dissonance between how things look on the surface and how I'm feeling is getting to me. It's like being two different persons. The temptation is to just let things slide so at least I would know who I am, even if it would be a bad identity.

- I feel a deep distrust of myself. The part of me who is constructive and survival-oriented is worried like hell about what the destructive me is capable of. I have several times crossed over limits I had set for myself, so when I think "no I would never do that" I don't believe myself anymore. The last time I OD'ed sort of hammered this home, that I can't trust myself to stay safe. In a roundabout way, this makes me want to hurt myself, to take away the insecurity of waiting for myself to maybe slip or not.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

I'm sure I have been, but I don't seem to be able to recall specifics.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

Have made myself keep up useful common things like sleeping or seeing friends, even when I feel it's pointless.
Have not let myself pull back from everyday handling of triggery objects (like potential SI tools and pills) to show myself that I do have some control.
Have talked a little to boyfriend, and vented a little online.
Made plans to see friend next weekend, booked tickets that can't be cancelled.
Distractions - housework, computer, reading, sports on tv, walks in the rain.
Not sure what else to do.

How do I feel right now?

Frustrated. Divided. Scared of the future. Tired of trying.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Focused on the physical, mentally numb.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

Tension relief at first. Probably angry with myself later for tearing things down again.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
As it has more to do with my own thoughts than some outside event, I don't see how it can be avoided. Dealing with it seems like a long-term activity, I don't have the perspective right now to know how to deal better, not feeling too bright.

Do I need to hurt myself?
While a part of me thinks "who cares, it's my body", another part of me thinks it is actually of some importance that I strive to not give in to this urge. That if I do hurt myself, it will only make it even more hard for me to trust myself, and so on. Right now I will go with the not hurting myself. I can always change my mind another day.

The temptation is to just let things slide so at least I would know who I am, even if it would be a bad identity.

just curious— do you think this actually works, in terms of giving you a stable identity? i can understand why a slip might seem like it brings a kind of clarity. but from another point of view, you're still the same complex person whether or not you si. even when you're being really self-destructive, that's not all there is to you, anymore than the constructive part of you is all there is. i guess what i'm trying to get at is, is it possible that the "bad identity" is in fact as insecure and uncertain as one that only acknowledges the good parts?

Right now I will go with the not hurting myself. I can always change my mind another day.

that sounds like a good way to think about it.

sending much encouragement,
dragonfly

silverdragonfly wrote:is it possible that the "bad identity" is in fact as insecure and uncertain as one that only acknowledges the good parts?

I had to go have a hot shower and think about that, but yes, I believe you are right. A one-dimensional identity will never satisfy, there are too many pieces jutting outside of the frame. From experience, even when I'm really down in the pits, it's only a matter of hours before I find something about life to enjoy - if just a comfy pillow or a chocolate bar.

I suppose it's an illusion I use to imagine a way out of ambiguity and the shades of grey of existance. But I have not been completely happy to stay wrecked in the past, or I wouldn't have half the good things I do have today. It's quite possible for me to wreck things again and worse, but I have too much self-preservation instinct to really want to stay there. It's surprisingly hard for me to say out loud that I want to live. To have hope is scary.

Thank you very much for the encouragement, Dragonfly.