bus

1. Have you taken care of your physical wounds? If not, go do that now. We'll wait.
Yes.

2. What had happened just before?
I was watching TV... I wasn't really paying attention so I'm not sure what was actually on at the time.

3. What were you thinking and feeling?
I was thinking about school coming up soon... about how I only have three years left to prove myself. I was feeling inadequate and a little jealous, I'm ashamed to say, of people labelled gifted and highly intelligent. I was worried that I just wasn't good enough to be recognized for something like that.

4. Why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? Was there an event that was the final straw? What was it?
I was alone, everyone was asleep... there was no avoiding thinking about it then.

5. How did the situation get to the final straw stage? Trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. Look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
It was overwhelming and made me want to push the thoughts back even farther, something I know I probably shouldn't do. Instead of ignoring them, I thought I should released them and... punish myself for comparing, feeling jealous, and expecting intelligence to be handed to me on a silver platter. I'm not sure where I could have made a different choice... before I had much time to consider, I was already ready.

6. Were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? Can you address those in the future? How?
I slept most of the day, so lack of sleep was not a problem. I can't help being alone sometimes either... I guess I could have called KHP and talked it over but I suspect that would have kicked my guilt and "OMG I am so seeking attention now" drives into action though and it would have had the same result.

7. What other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? How well did they work?
I didn't stop to think about that at the time... it was routine, almost; I just did it.

8. In retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? What were they?
I could have come down here and checked out BUS... or... called KHP? Either way, I can't see myself with much concentration for either.

9. Name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
Remember that it's night and I always feel more impulsive at night... and remind myself that sleeping will help me deal with the problem later.

10. How do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? Is it resolved? If not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
No, it isn't resolved... mostly because it's due to my own self-esteem problems. I should involve myself more in school and really give it all I can... maybe I can prove to myself I'm not a complete idiot. ^___^;;

11. Are you likely to be in that emotional place again? How will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Yep, certainly will be. I'll see that I'm putting myself down and comparing myself to others based on outside views only... I'll see that I'm frustrating myself by trying to avoid the thoughts and bad images.

12. What will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? List three specific things you will commit to trying.
- Look at my notes and ideas...
- Remind myself that I'm only 16 and I have a lot of time to make my mark on society...
- Read about something I'm interested in...

I'll see that I'm putting myself down and comparing myself to others based on outside views only... I'll see that I'm frustrating myself by trying to avoid the thoughts and bad images
--*nods* i think there can be a mid-point. between dwelling on the thoughts & thinking of how lousy you are compared to others etcetc... & shutting off the thoughts. what about saying 'yup. i'm having self-hate thoughts again...' 'my gosh. i'm comparing *again* '... realize that yes you're having those thoughts yet as persistent & disturbing as they might be... they're just thoughts. thoughts are not actions.

I can't see myself with much concentration for either.
--what are some things you could do that don't require much concentration?

I should involve myself more in school and really give it all I can...
--is that something you could break up into really tiny pieces? like 'go to school monday' 'take notes during math' 'read one chapter of history' or something? can be a bit easier to realize that there *is* progress when things are smaller & specific

It was overwhelming and made me want to push the thoughts back even farther
--*nods* it can be tough. i can have myself thoroughly convinced that not only am i going to fail school-wise but job-wise & socially & at anything & everything else... then i can decide that those thoughts aren't getting me too far so they need to stop... & then they don't magically stop so i decide i'm a failure at that too... so then there are more thoughts... it's tough.

Remind myself that I'm only 16 and I have a lot of time to make my mark on society...

That is beautifully put.

Reading about something you are interested in sounds like a really good plan also. Maybe have several short articles or stories that don't require you to focus for a long period of time in addition to other books, magazines, etc. That way there is always something manageable to read?

plantt wrote:I should involve myself more in school and really give it all I can...

--is that something you could break up into really tiny pieces? like 'go to school monday' 'take notes during math' 'read one chapter of history' or something? can be a bit easier to realize that there *is* progress when things are smaller & specific

Hm... well, now that I look at it, I already do those kinds of things. I overachieve like crazy but somehow I still end up feeling unimportant and ignored. That leads me to think I just want attention, then I get angry, then I get frustrated... then, well... *sigh*

wanting attention is natural. it's a human need. i think there are more effective & less effective ways of going about getting attention. it's not an inherently wrong thing.
it's something i struggle with a lot myself. because of course even wanting to be slightly noticed is 100% wrong & everything should be done completely alone & etcetc. & yet... that's not reality. that's not effective.
really... simply asking for opinions on something... making contact with someone... is not a bad thing.
what are things you could do to feel less ignored & more important? what are things you do well... things you do that make you feel productive or like you're making a difference?

I know it's a human need, Plantt... but somehow I've got a limit on how much attention I can have before it's seeking. I think it's like this for me: I can have attention for good things (good marks, awards, etc) but anything I feel is negative or would bother others (unhappiness, fear, etc) should be kept to myself. But there's a limit on both of those as well, because too much attention on the good things makes me think I just want to look perfect. And sometimes I allow myself attention for the "bad" things... for example, when I get angry at someone and I feel my anger will help them rather than hinder them. I'm all about what will make others' lives better... I often ignore my own needs because I see myself as strong enough to get through it. I've lived through loss, bullying, panic attacks... but I'm not sure about other people, I just want to help them and take care of myself later.

The problem is, I feel like people will never know the real real me... that no one will ever see through the mask I've created. I just want to tell people but that feels like too much. I feel less ignored when I come here... I feel like some random visitor will be able to see into my life and that's good enough. But in real life... what could I do? Hm... I'm not sure... because I'm used to being so fake all the time, I'm not sure I could do something to show people who I am inside. Unless maybe I talk to my best friend... yeah, I could do that. ^___^