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Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I am upset about a relationship, the relationship between me and my best-friend from college. I'm feeling very unstable in the friendship and I feel like we are losing touch with each other for reasons I cannot control. We have been giving each other space and my best-friend lost her cell phone, so she hasn't been able to call me and is next to impossible for me to reach when I call her (trust me, I try faithfully). It seems like everytime we have spoken, it has been short and rushed because she is always off to do something else and never seems to have the time for our relationship --- or as thought she cannot make the time, meaning set a specific time for me to call her so we can talk (I have the good long distance). This instablity and one-sidedness of the friendship is bothering me a lot tonight. I really want my best-friend in my life and I know we are both changing a lot right now, but some of our changes are changes that are making us more similar. I want her in my life and down deep I know she wants me, but I need the validation right now because it seems like it has been so long since we had a good talk.

I'm also really stressed out about hearing back about my job interview tomorrow. I really need the job and I have been waiting all week to hear back and I was told I would hear by Friday for sure either way. I gave the interview my all and I need the job so desperately. I haven't been sleeping well lately because I keep on waiting for this phone call to happen, even at 2am I want to talk to my best-friend about this because it is really important to me in my life right now.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I have had these feelings before. I usually hurt myself when I have had these feelings before. I have also tried calling friends and talking to them about my feelings or just talking about nothingness to see if the urges will pass, but it doesn't always work. I have been known to call friends and hurt myself while talking to them or as soon as I have hung up, the people I was calling in an attempt to comfort me. Eventually my best-friend and I would talk, but I would usually end up hurting myself first because I would never know how soon that we would be able to talk (sometimes the same day, sometimes days later). Things usually worked out in the end, but my emotions have always been so strong and overwhemling that they have taken over and I only felt worse after hurting myself because something was usually resolved in the conversation... something, not always much, but something.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I have attempted to write her an email explaining my feelings of concern abotu things, but that only made me feel worse --- so I didn't send the email like I had written, rather just told her I needed to talk to her and didn't want to write about what I wanted to talk to her about first and to email me back the best time for me to call her. I have also tried calling other friends on the phone. I'm doing this "before post" too because I really don't want to cut, yet I feel and know that is the only way to get my emotions in a little more check about what is going on. I also know that if I cut myself, I will be able to sleep... which is something I desperately need.

How do I feel right now?
confused, hurting, desperate, impatient, angry, frustrated, anxious

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Guilt, but relief at the same time. I will feel like I'm in control of something and that I'm alive when I see the blood coming from my arm. I will feel better for the time being and will eventually go numb and then fall asleep. I won't feel much physical pain until I'm getting close to when I need to stop hurting myself.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I will feel guilty, but relieved too... I will feel all numb and tingly and warm, but ashamed. Tomorrow morning I will probably hurt like hell, depending on how much I do and where.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I believe this is an on-going stressor to some degree. Until my best-friend and I can get our lives settled down a bit, things are going to be flux. I need to patient and just wait it out, but I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to do so.

Do I need to hurt myself?
Yes and no. I need to be able to sleep and I know if I do it, I will be able to sleep. Sleep would be nice right now, especially because my anxiety about jobs has been keeping me up lately.

will hurting yourself solve the relationship stuggle?

Do I need to hurt myself?
Yes and no.
--*need* or really really want to & it'd be a helluva lot easier right now if you did?

Until my best-friend and I can get our lives settled down a bit, things are going to be flux. I need to patient and just wait it out
--*nods* it's a moment by moment thing... sometimes things aren't 'quick-fix' deals... & it sucks... & it's hard.. & it's life.

sorry things are so hard atm.
what are you doing right *now* rather than si?

have you tried any relaxation tapes? they can be calming i find.

plantt wrote:will hurting yourself solve the relationship stuggle?

Do I need to hurt myself?
Yes and no.
--*need* or really really want to & it'd be a helluva lot easier right now if you did?

Until my best-friend and I can get our lives settled down a bit, things are going to be flux. I need to patient and just wait it out
--*nods* it's a moment by moment thing... sometimes things aren't 'quick-fix' deals... & it sucks... & it's hard.. & it's life.

sorry things are so hard atm.
what are you doing right *now* rather than si?

I'm still haven't hurt myself, but the feelings are still very alive.
Do I need to hurt myself?
Yes and no.
--*need* or really really want to & it'd be a helluva lot easier right now if you did?
Yes, I do need to. My body will release stuff that will better help me deal with the moment. It will also help me put things into perspective and will help me clear my mind. After I SI, suddenly my mind becomes more clear and I can focus and think through things (at least for a little while). SI will not make it easiler later, but it will make the present easier to deal with and if I can get through the present... then I can make it to the future.

Until my best-friend and I can get our lives settled down a bit, things are going to be flux. I need to patient and just wait it out
--*nods* it's a moment by moment thing... sometimes things aren't 'quick-fix' deals... & it sucks... & it's hard.. & it's life.
This is the hardest thing for me right now. We are both experiencing major transitions in our lives. We are both recent college grads and hunting for our first "real jobs". We also don't live in the same city anymore because I went away for college and she stayed local. I'm much closer to her now than I was during most of our college career when I was not at school (at least physically -- I'm only 3-4 hours away instead of 18).

It is like we are both trying to get settled. I want to keep close ties and she cannot and has never been good at keeping ties with people after they move away. She has always struggled through those friendships and I have watched her do this in the last few years. I refuse to become one of those friendships that she lets go of because she isn't mature enough to handle physical distance between people. I have seen her stay close to some degree with friends who have moved away, but it was always a struggle for her because it was as if she didn't know how to maintain this type of friendship. She is also someone who has never had to move out of her city before in her life --- her friends were always the ones moving, so she has never had to deal with having to keep in touch with old friends, while making new ones and making a new life at the same time.

It is like i can sense she wants and needs our friendship, but she acts confused as to how to maintain it because we can't just be together in the same room or go hang out. Long distance friendships are very different than if you are living in the same town with someone. We lived together in the college dorms for 3.5 years and our friendship started turning when I finished college and went back home.

We are total opposites in terms of personality. We have very different perspectives on life and have different ways we live our lives. She tends to live it moment to moment and I prefer to have at least the basics planned out. I want her to plan time for me, yet she can't make the commitment of the time in her flexible schedule.

It is complicated and on-going. When I SI when this issue is bothering me, I tend to be able to think more clearly about what is going on and it helps me get through the moment. I can usually calm down and it helps me be more patient with the situation after I have the release.

Thank you for comments because they are making me think...

limestone wrote:have you tried any relaxation tapes? they can be calming i find.

I don't know how to relax. I think that is another one of my problems... I have trouble focusing on those types of tapes unless I feel like I'm in a safe environment and my house isn't a safe place for me.

It is like i can sense she wants and needs our friendship, but she acts confused as to how to maintain it because we can't just be together in the same room or go hang out.
--have you talked with her about this? friendship is a 2-way deal. it requires both people to work at it.

if you truly *need* to si... then why even attempt to not? si is a choice. regardless of how it can seem like a 'need' at times.

what are you doing to learn to relax? might be something to ask on the coping board... suggestions for relaxing. there are other ways to relax than to listen to tapes... if tapes don't seem to work for you then maybe try something else....