before *si, ed, lang*

[nika]

# Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

Too many things to count. Stress over a family situation, over school, over my long-distance bf, over friendships. I've been spending more time on BUS this week, and I don't know if that is making me more urgy/triggered, or if I'm coming to BUS because I'm more urgy/triggered, feeling stressed, and needing company/distraction. Have never been able to figure out how those two relate ... which causes which. Chicken or egg.

I also still feel like things are unresolved with SI because I don't have any scars. I got over this feeling a few months ago, but it's been coming back. I feel like I'm falling, losing touch with everything in my life that's been good in these past few months, and I hate it. And that makes me want to SI, and further commit myself to turning away from everything good.

I don't think this is because I feel like I have to cut to fit in on BUS. I'm pretty sure it isn't that. I've been thinking more and more (as I have off and on for years) about EDs. I used to reread over and over sections of books that talk about EDs. I've never been able to do anything except binge in public (I only binge in public, how pathetic is that) very occasionally. But I've always had in the back of my mind an irrational desire to have an ED. I know this is as stupid as wanting scars. I know that there are lots of people on BUS who would give anything to get rid of their scars/EDs, and I'm really embarassed to admit this. I'm so so sorry, but I wanted to tell the truth. Please forgive me.

# Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Either give in or not give in. For months I've occasionally thought of SI but never as an actual option. I've known I would not act on my thoughts. Now I'm not so sure. That scares me.

When I've given in, things are usually not so great. When I've fought, things are usually a bit better.

# What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I've posted asking for advice on Main and in my Place ... I'm hoping I'll get some helpful responses. I'm planning on writing to one of my professors to ask about homework load. I'm hoping that I'll go to bed early-ish and read a fun book for a little while.

# How do I feel right now?

A little less likely to cut. (Even writing that made me feel a bit more triggered. How weird is that? )

# How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Right now I don't feel like I could hurt myself. I'm apathetic, no longer desparate. I need to be desperate for it to feel good.

# How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

If I give in, I will be in a huge huge huge kettle of steaming liquid sh*t. If that isn't deterrent enough, I don't know what is. Everything will go to h*ll. And yet I kind of want that. I don't like how things are right now, so anything for a change.

# Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

I'm thinking I could possibly make the stressors less likely for the fall, by taking a hard look at my schedule. But some of these are really hard to avoid. I need to take some time to relax each day. I am so bad about that, only taking time off as default because I'm putting off getting work done. I feel guilty any day that I go without working, whether I planned to take a break or not. It's getting to the point where I don't even know how to take time off from "school work" -- even though I'm not in school this summer! I need to give myself time off before I use SI as a way to get time off. Not that I'd necessarily even take it once I gave it to myself.

# Do I need to hurt myself?

Not right now. These questions always make me pause, and then, as I wrote above, even if I'm depressed, it's not the right frame of mine for SI.

[plantt]

this is mostly going to be a 'from my experience' deal... simply because of how things are going for me right now.

I don't know if that is making me more urgy/triggered, or if I'm coming to BUS because I'm more urgy/triggered, feeling stressed, and needing company/distraction. Have never been able to figure out how those two relate ... which causes which
--for me often one can lead to the other... then it turns into this cycle of 'i feel like crap so i'll sit in front of the computer & be on bus... i'm on bus & reading all this stuff & now i feel worse... i feel worse so i'll sit in front of the computer & be on bus...'

sometimes using everything i've got & prying myself off the computer & doing something active/productive.. helps a bit.

things are unresolved with SI because I don't have any scars. I got over this feeling a few months ago, but it's been coming back. And that makes me want to SI, and further commit myself to turning away from everything good.
--can relate a lot atm. even though i can give myself all the 'but it doesn't matter about scars/severity/etcetc... how many or how 'bad' things were/are compared to others doesn't matter...' yet my brain screams 'oh but it does!!!'
for me... that's one of the things that i dislike about bus. how 'normal' it can make some things seem. for me... sometimes i need to seriously question if i'm going to live my life irl or around bus.
how things are/feel/seem to you is *yours* if things hurt then they hurt. regardless of what someone else has been through. your si was *yours*. that's what matters.

But I've always had in the back of my mind an irrational desire to have an ED. I know this is as stupid as wanting scars.
--not stupid. very illogical. dangerous. unhealthy. but not stupid. i still feel the same way often. 'well it's not enough/bad enough/severe enough/often enough/etcetc'.
what is it that would be proven if you did have scars & a set dx of an ed? how would that make things seem differently to you?

I've known I would not act on my thoughts. Now I'm not so sure.
--sounds like the doubt is an emotional thing... emotions change... sometimes the trick is to keep acting 'as if'. act on the part of you that used to know you'd not act on those thoughts... hold on through the current doubts...

When I've given in, things are usually not so great. When I've fought, things are usually a bit better.
--can be both helpful.. very much so... & seemingly invalidating. at least for me. helpful in that it's good to realize that hanging in is more effective than giving up simply because things are so tough & feeling so badly. seemingly invalidating because it can feed into the 'but things must be fine... i'm better off than all these other people... it'd be easier to just act on the thoughts...' stuff.
i think it's important to realize that if things are hurting & really hard... then they *are* & that's ok.

Everything will go to h*ll. And yet I kind of want that. I don't like how things are right now, so anything for a change
--*nods* sometimes it's an appealing picture for sure.
would anything else seem like a change? anything else that you could do... somewhere you could go?

I need to give myself time off before I use SI as a way to get time off.
--could you try scheduling it in? 'ok from 10:30-11 i'm going to sit on my butt & watch the grass grow' or something? & then stick to that as you would any other schedule?

sorry things are so difficult right now

[nika]

sometimes using everything i've got & prying myself off the computer & doing something active/productive.. helps a bit.

That's what I'm going to do right now ... leave the computer early and go to bed to read.

What you wrote about BUS "normalizing" certain things ... that really struck me. Hadn't thought about it ... I should think about it some more.

how things are/feel/seem to you is *yours* if things hurt then they hurt. regardless of what someone else has been through. your si was *yours*. that's what matters.

Yeah, I know. And I would tell that to anyone else and believe it. I think partly I want just one scar to be a record ... I'm too into recording things. But I do have this one pretty much invisible scar ... always afraid it will fade though. But then all of a sudden I'll feel completely the opposite. I never want to have any scars ever. Confusing. Thanks for what you wrote.

what is it that would be proven if you did have scars & a set dx of an ed? how would that make things seem differently to you?

An ED ... as illogical and false as I know this is ... would be about control. That's the only reason I've ever thought about it. One scar just as a record.

But also something says that if I had serious problems, I could take soem time off. Yet as I know, even when I started therapy for SI and everything ... I didn't give myself time off. So SI doesn't guarantee a break.

i think it's important to realize that if things are hurting & really hard... then they *are* & that's ok.

Yes. Thanks. Need that reminder.

would anything else seem like a change? anything else that you could do... somewhere you could go?

G-d, that made me start crying. Because I can think of what I'd like this fall, and it's so completely different from what I'm going to have. I know where I'd like to go, but I can't, absolutely can't. Not sure what would seem like a change ... a big enough change. Will think about that more.

And about planning time off.

Thank you for your reply, Plantt. You always make me think long and hard about things, and put things into perspective, and help so much. You will make one heck of a therapist someday.

[nika]

Made it through, and am safe now.

[limestone]

hey
i'm glad you made it through. i admire your honesty, both of you. I can relate to a lot of what was said. my sister keeps saying 'take a break' but it doesn't help. i know i need one and yet it's 5 august and we don't do breaks at 5 august but i need one. so yeah, i can relate

[pretty]

I can also relate a lot to what both of you have said. I'm glad you made it through

[Tiarin]

that's cool that you made it through.

But also something says that if I had serious problems, I could take soem time off. Yet as I know, even when I started therapy for SI and everything ... I didn't give myself time off. So SI doesn't guarantee a break.

just wanted to say that i really relate to that. i find that i want to have something "wrong" (and preferably in a tangible kind of way) because i think it will allow me to take a break, maybe go easier on myself, something. but as you say, that's not necessarily what happens.

i'm wondering— what would allow you to take a break or take time off if you needed it?

dragonfly