bus

started cutting, about 6 years ago, i think in the beginning it was more for attention from my husband, needing some love and care from him,
i have OD'ed numerous times too for the same reason. But also to escape.

After my husband died, 1 night cut my self excessive, i know i mostly do it when i have been drinking, but it is spearheaded by other things.

i have managed over the last 2 & 1/2 years to become more confident, with the help of a lovely man who has become my partner, he cherishes me, loves me so much, and with his help have become so much better, my panic attacks have stopped, things that have effected me in the past no longer do, on occasions i can get upset, but most times strong enough to pull through.

over the last 2 years my cutting has got less and less, even to non...i have been so proud, and people who know me, who ask i could actually say to them i no longer cut.

Until last night!!!

i went crazy with it. deep too, i feel so ashamed i was doing so well, i even told myself that if i ever did think about doing it again i wouldnt do my arms, well its jumpers for the summer!

i tried contacting a few friends as i didnt want to SI, but they all knew i was doing good, prob didnt see the urgency as i was "SI" free!

Even my partner couldnt help this time, as i continued by thumping etc., myself after too.

he is so upset and worried, we thought i had beat this.
he has asked me to sort help, as he can no longer do it alone for me.

he has been so wonderfull and i hate hurting him in this way.

i regret last night so much, we are going away in 2 weeks and i am a mess, a big mess.

last night i had a problem, but told myself every thing is good, it was. next thing i knew i was SI-ing and didnt stop!

what did you do besides calling friends... in order to work at getting yourself through?

i think it's great that your partner is working at being supportive & also observing his own limits.
have you worked to sort help out?

sorry you messed up. mistakes happen. hopefully you can pick yourself up & keep going...

thankyou.
i still feeling a bit in shock today, by partner looked after me good last night, i felt so embarrased as he insisted in rubbing each wound with savlon.

He sobbed as he did so i felt so sorry for him, he blamed himself for my downfall.

i stayed in bed all day yesterday, i eventually took off my trousers and jumper, but had to sleep in my knickers and t-shirt, i couldnt sleep naked as i usually do, i felt i needed to hide myself even though they where not covering the wounds

i will fill in the after thoughts section soon as, at the mo my emotions are all over the place.
my daughter playing up at mo so i got to get out of here. she effects my emotions alot.... with evil things she says to me.

going to my partners house, i know there i will be stress free tonight!


X angel_creature X

still feeling a little low, annoyed with myself & guilty.
went to the doctors yesterday, my usual doctor is away so had to see
one that doesnt know my history.

he was caring telling me than until the quilty goes away,
i can not begin to stop feeling like i do.
telling him i am annoyed at what i did, letting myself drop to the
SH level after 6 months free.

asked him about creams or patches as i go away next sat, and i look amess. he said there is none!
going to boots tomorrow i have seen some patches, or something will buy if will make me feel better over my appearance, now.

Doctor gave me antibiotics.
have to see my usual doc when he returns, he away for 2 weeks then i away for 2 weeks, hopefully by then i will be back up to my usual fun self.
with my happy yellow thoughts.

i managed to get in bed with no clothes last night, my babe was so caring.
i was still a bit scared of being exposed, i dont know why he seen the mess. just ashamed i think.

not filled in the after questions yet i want to feel positive about the answers!

prob will do so when i have wrote my thoughts and story about my blackness on monday night,. it helps me gather my thoughts.

i have been putting my writings in " place i called it

angels place

viewtopic.php?t=83144

please read i would love opionions on my writing....some are deep though....so beware. they dont mention SH in word but talk about my inner fears thoughts and my yellow ones about the happiness i want to hold for ever.

by the way i booked myself in with the mental health team, you can do that in manchester without going through the doc...but not been able to find a local real-time support group.

maybe when i feeling good i should start my own.... help others with my experiences!!!

hugs to all that need them angel_creature XX

how can i pick my self up when i keep getting knocked down again?

i dont want to cut tonight i already look a mess..... i thumping the air at mo...............

angel_creature wrote:how can i pick my self up when i keep getting knocked down again?

you just do it... you decide to keep going... & then you do...
& i know it's a helluva lot more difficult to *do* than it is to say. for me though... the benefits of choosing to do so far outweigh the benefits of not.

what are you doing to keep yourself busy?

i drinking i holding my tears now my babe has just come round, he will look after me.

but i dont want to put him though this he had enough of me the last 2 years,

it scares him.........i just want to curl up in a ball and..............

drinking can make things worse...

curl up in a ball & what?
curling up in a ball isn't always a bad thing to do...

i told my son she conned me out of £100 now she crying like she did when she wanted it.

i sorry i told my son its my fault all the termoil happening now!!

since i don't know the situation i can't say whether or not it really is 'your fault' maybe it is. maybe it's not.
how you choose to respond to the situation is definitely your responsibility though.
it's your life. if you choose to si that's your choice. if you choose to get through it safely & work to get things to be different then that's your choice too.