bus

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I will come back to reality. I won't be depersonalized. I won't be upset. I will be me again.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring...sanity. It will take away the horrible disconnected "fake" feeling. It will bring relief, for a while at least. Later I will probably be upset. But right now I don't think I am capable of being upset...I am so "not here..."

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I don't know what I want to feel. Right now emotions seem to be beyond my grasp...I can't wrap my mind around them. Makes it hard to do a before.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
It does seem like the best option, but I know that is not logical. It can't be the best option if it is something I am trying to avoid. The relief...I don't know how long it would last. I don't know what I would do next. I don't even know if I am close to slipping or not. My brain won't work. Even typing is very difficult right now...I keep hitting the wrong keys and having to go back to fix it.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could...go to sleep. That would be an escape if I could sleep. It would last until I have to wake up for class tomorrow. Which is not a good thought. Yuck.
I could...take a cold shower to try to ground. Don't know if it would work or not. But it might. Don't know how long it would last either.
I could...try some grounding exercises to see if that would help. I am floating now...not really. I know it isn't really happening. But it feels like it is. I need to stop and try to ground. I will come back later to finish the questions.

Ok...took a shower. Cold made it worse, so I tried hot. It helped a little, but I am slipping away again. Can't seem to stay here.
Sometimes I wonder if this is all in my head. I mean, I know depersonalization is all in my head. But I wonder if I really am. Maybe I am just making this up and convincing myself of it. There doesn't seem anything that should be upsetting enough for this to be happening, so maybe I am just...nevermind. This doesn't make sense. Going back to the questions.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I don't know! I can't think straight and feelings are so unpredictable. And I am trying some of the other things I came up with...so far, not working.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I want to find a safe way to get myself back to normal and coping. I don't want to go back to feeling upset. And I don't want to stay like this. But...I don't know how to get there without SI. So I am looking for a way.
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Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
Because I am feeling so weird. And because I was so upset before. And...I don't know. I did some exercises from The Scarred Soul and they upset me. I was writing about something a few months ago that shouldn't have been a very big deal...especially now, since it doesn't matter anymore. But it was very upsetting. And then I came on BUS to try to calm myself down, and instead I started slipping away.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I have been depersonalized before. And I usually hurt myself. Sometimes I was able to sleep instead, but it isn't workign right now. Once I was able to come out of it by talking to someone...but I don't have anyone to talk to right now.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
Got on here to post. Took a shower. Brushed my teeth...hoping the toothpaste (which burns a bit) would ground me. Now back to posting. Did I lay down for a bit or not? I don't know...I don't think I did, but I thought about it. I have already had a long nap today and I doubt I could sleep.
I am now starting to feel tension in my stomach...don't know what that means. It is also getting a lot harder to type. I will type a bit without correcting it, just so I can see what it looks like. Thisi so ofat ioahpens whenat I atodhn correacty the tyaping. Wow, that is worse than I thought. Hmm...

How do I feel right now?
I feel crazy, gone, tense. Very strange. Everything is wrong. The computer seems far away, even though it is right in front of me. My hands don't seem to be mine...even though I know they are. I feel things pysically but much less than I should.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
I don't know. I will...I might feel...I don't know.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I would feel better tonight. Tomorrow I would probably feel guilty. But I don't know. I am so confused.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Must find a way to ground. I doubt I can always avoid stress, especially since I need to deal with these issues. I also expect that this is worse than normal because I am not on my AD. Which has many reasons...but this isn't good.

Do I need to hurt myself?
no, but I really wish I did. It would be so much easier if I could convince myself that I had to. But I know right now I don't. If nothing else works, then I don't know what I will do.

Can you call someone and talk to them? Or maybe go out somewhere like a grocery store? Walking around looking at things, having to interact with people sometimes those things can make you feel more grounded.