bus

oh i know, i just posted a few days ago how proud i am to be SI-free but today it all seems to useless. posting a "before", to remind myself that i really don'T wanna go down that way again. replies, hugs, if anybody reads, welcome.


Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
utter loneliness. i wish i had somebody. somebody flirted with me today, more or less openly, but not offering anything. which makes me think of all the empty promises that nobody has ever kept.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
yeah, many times. i read a book until i fell i asleep. felt better the next day. why does the feeling always have to come back?!

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i wrote about it. i should write a few poems to get it out, take a shower, read my book, go to bed. it's late anyway.


How do I feel right now?
sad and heartbroken.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
still sad and heartbroken.


How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
right after hurting myself i'll probably feel just a bit of relief but also a lot of pain, it's been a long time since my last time. in the morning i'll probably feel horrible, but deal with the facts.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
i can'T avoid it. i can'T avoid being flirted with just for fun. i can't avoid feeling lonely and tired and alone. i really don'T know how to deal with it better in the future. i try not to think about it.


Do I need to hurt myself?
no, i don't. but there's this tiny voice that's just screaming i deserve it anyway.

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
that's the problem, the situation won't change. just my feelings, and that only for a bit.


what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will bring nothing but more pain to the situation and probably more loneliness coz the hiding and maybe even some lying will start all over again. i hate to have to lie, and i don'T want to hide anymore.


how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want to feel free. i don't want to feel this desperate need for attention anymore. for any kind of closeness. i want to be able to just live with myself and for myself alone. hurting myself won't make that possible. it will just hurt and that's that.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
the relief will last maybe for a few minutes, maybe till i fall asleep. but tomorrow morning it'll be bad. i'll feel even more horrible and hideous.


what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i could take a shower, read a book, go to bed. this will last until tomorrow morning, then i can go about figuring something else out.


what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
nurture myself. maybe eat the rest of my chocolate bar, take a really, really hot shower to get rid of all the muscle tension. maybe i can even squeeze out a few tears. i'd love to be able to cry and let go. we'll see...

How bout a nice hot bath with bubles and candle light and soft music and of course the cholate bar


Have you been able to write poetry in the past that helped?
Have you read what you wrote in the past?
Sometimes that helps to see how far you have come

i'd love to take a bath, but i've only got a shower. small, small bathroom. i do like to light vanilla scented candles while i take a shower though, and turn all the lights off.

i have written a bunch of poetry in the past, helps me get all those stuck up emotions out that i tend to just float around inside my head and body till my muscles get so tense i can'T breathe right. useful, i know.

i don't think reading that stuff would be such a good idea right now, it tends to trigger me more than anything. but i will head off to the shower now. thanks for reading and replying, jo.

Don't forget the candles

Posting a before to remind yourself why you don't want to SI is a great idea. Good on you

Clouds wrote:i can't avoid feeling lonely and tired and alone. i really don'T know how to deal with it better in the future. i try not to think about it.

What about doing things to help you stop being lonely? Is there anyone you can call? Any places you like to go?

Clouds wrote:i want to feel free. i don't want to feel this desperate need for attention anymore. for any kind of closeness. i want to be able to just live with myself and for myself alone.

Wanting other people in your life, needing positive attention, isn't the same as not living for yourself. Right now, you feel you need attention - what is a healthy way to get it, A. from yourself, and B. from other people ??

this helped last time, let's try it again.


Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
i am so, so, so, so angry. and i don't want to look at where it's coming from. i want to deny my past and run away from it, as far as i can. and it's not working and that makes me angry, too.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
anger's a problem i have a hard time dealing with. i'll try eating (*goes off to find some yoghurt*) and later on my way to work i'll buy an energy drink, which might sound weird, but caffeine actually helps, coz it lifts my mood a tad. get busy with stuff. draw something but i don't have the time for that now coz i need to go to work.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
so far i haven't tried much, cept the eating part. i didn't have time for anything, really. i'll buy the energy drink, head off to work and avoid some more... huh. maybe i'll write about it later on so i'll stop the urges from hitting me quite so often.

How do I feel right now?
angry, angry, angry. i want to scream and cry.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
a lot calmer, at least for a while.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
afterwards i'll feel at lot of disappointment in myself which will probably just trigger more anger and then a lot of loneliness and helplessness. tomorrow morning i'll feel lost and stupid and maybe even a tad ashamed of myself for not trying to deal with my problems.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
yeah, but i don't like that answer. i need to face my problem. i should probably have talked about it with my t and not told her what was up a minute before i had to go and then make a run for it (i was so quick leaving i even forgot to pay her - how embarrassing... )


Do I need to hurt myself?
no - yes, no! no. i don't. do i? i want to yet i don't want to. i don't need to. shit. i'll find something else to deal with this. i can do it, right??

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
the situation will change insofar that people might not notice anything's up at work. but then again, i have the professional smile i can put on whenever i like. maybe i'll just find a dark corner and avoid everybody for five hours. the feelings will go away temporarily but they'll be back. i know it. and then i'll "need" to do it again, and then again and i'll be back to doing it more often than i want to.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
calm, quiet, the pretense of peace, for some time. and it'll take away my pride and hope and my feeling of strength and ability to cope. it'll take away some of my resolve to take care of myself, because if i've done it once, why not once more? *sigh*

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want to feel like i am NOT crazy, but running from my problems isn't going to help that. i want to feel capable of dealing with my own crap but hurting myself is just going to make me feel helpless and hopeless.


if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
the relief might last a few hours. afterwards? i'll be depressed and crying. and take a shower and deal with the aftermath and hate myself. what an option, huh?

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
now, well, time's up i need to go to work, do the above mentioned, deal with stuff after work, which will be in about six to seven hours. no more reading, playing games, watching stupid tv without dealing with my stuff FIRST!

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
what i really want to do right now? go to work and find stuff to keep me busy. i need to go now.
this distracted me just long enough. i WILL deal with stuff afterwards, promise to myself.

i need to do this again today. i slept only five hours last night and the urges are very hard to fight right now.

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
i didn't sleep enough. i didn't sleep enough and study enough and i am having flashbacks and bad thoughts and generally a hard time. not enough sleep is about the killer with all the other stuff going on...

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
yeh. i have identified the lack of sleep syndrome. lol. it is always awful, especially late at night (going on eleven pm now). what i did was hang in front of the puter till i was tired enough to fall asleep right away.


What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
nothing except trying to not think about it. i am scared right now of going to the bedroom, yet my teddy bear's waiting for me, and i'll light a vanilla tealight, so there'll be light when i fall asleep. it'll be ok...

How do I feel right now?
scared, angry and really, really tired.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
a lot less angry. i haven't yet figured out how to deal with anger that has its trigger in my past. it confuses me. either way. i'll still be tired and still be a tad depressed and prolly even more scared... i'll be hurting.

How will I feel tomorrow morning?
bad. awful. mad at myself. i'll deal with the facts but i'll be disappointed. i'll be a tad ashamed. i'll be hiding again which will make me uncomfortable and afraid of people finding out i'm doing it again...

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
*sigh* yeah, sleep more. but staying up all night talking to a collegue from work about random things was nice. i wouldn't have wanted to miss out on that. to deal with it better... i dunno. i wonder if lack of sleep will always drive me insane. it might. maybe when i'm overall feeling better five hours of sleep a night won't hurt quite so bad anymore. we'll see...

Do I need to hurt myself?
no. but i just feel this impulse. it's been really hard to fight. i can get no coherent thought together. this is why i am writing this. to remind myself, i can get through this. i don't have to hurt myself. tomorrow it'll look a tad better.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
if i hurt myself i'll have to start hiding again and worry about my mom seeing it and worrying about me, which will make things even more complicated. it will alienate me from a bunch of people that i am right now having a hard time to befriend. i'll be a bit calmer, and that calmness will remind me what a quick-fix SI is and i'll want to do it more often and fighting the urges will become harder.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
how do i want to feel? safe. safe, protected, loved, strong. if i hurt myself then i am not safe. if i hurt myself i am not loving or protecting myself. it's not necessarily weak, but it's not strong either. i cannot grow strong by running away from things. i need to face em... once i've had enough sleep. heh.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
the relief will last a few hours. afterwards... i'll probably want to do it again. and i'll try as hard as possible to fight the urges. i'd hide the injuries...

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
right now i can write here, until i feel ready to go out and clean the rest of my bedroom so i can go to sleep without sneezing (my dog was creative while i was away at work - it's a mess in there). i need to calm down before i do anything or else something small might upset me and i'll start yelling and kicking things and screaming which will make me feel crazy and stupid and then it just might lead into SI anyway. trying to avoid that. yet i still need to clean in there. and then finally i can go to sleep. if that doesn'T work i'll just sleep on the couch and clean tomorrow...

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i want to scream and cry and be hugged. i want somebody to take away the hurt. i want somebody to take away the memories that are flooding me. i want somebody to protect that small, innocent child that i met inside myself last night before falling asleep. how i need to honor that is by going to sleep hugging a teddy bear, keeping a night light burning so the scary monsters don't have a chance. i hope my dog'll sleep by my side tonight...

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
panic, all the time. i don't know what keeps triggering it. i am trying to hard to be brave and face my fears but it only gets worse and i don'T know what to do anymore to get some calm...


Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
no. i haven't been here before. because i haven't had flashbacks like this before, and constant fear like this. if i have then i can't remember... i dunno anything anymore.


What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i have tried so much i don'T even know where to start. first i started to go dancing, to get my bodily feeling back. then i hung out with friends, did different stuff. then i visited an old collegue of mine, then i had some dinner, then i had some more food. i cuddled my dog, i avoided triggers, then confronted triggers, did anything i could think of and it's not helping...

How do I feel right now?
scared. anxious, tense.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
hopefully calmer, but i just don't know if it will help at all...

How will I feel tomorrow morning?
awful, disappointed, angry at myself, scared of anybody finding out.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
i doubt it.

Do I need to hurt myself?
need to isn't the correct word. i want to, i long to, i hope to (because i hope it will make me feel better). i can still hold on for a bit, but i don'T know for how much longer and what to do to make this anxiety go away!

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will bring me calm. maybe returning to old coping habits instead of trying all the scary "new" ones might even give me a sense of safety. but it will take away a lot of my self-respect and pride that i have in getting so far. a few slips here and now are ok but it's starting to turn into a habit. scary situation: first thought, SI. not good, this development.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want to feel safe and loved and cared for and i want to feel like i can be proud of myself. i guess there's no need to answer the second question, coz it will get me as far away from that as possible....

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
the relief will only last a few hours, if that. and i don't even know what i'll do then... i have no clue anymore about anything.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
sleep. tomorrow is another day. no clue what i'll do then. i don't think i've been so clueless about my problems since i turned around 19... three years, almost four, is a long time... i feel my pride is hurt...


what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
curl up in bed wiht a good book, a teddy bear, candle burning, the usual blah blah. mayb ei need to think of something else. this has lost it's specialness...

*snuggles the mabness* i never replied to it so i thought i'd do it now and thank you and i hope you see this, mab. heh.

unfortunately i need another one of these. it's been since may since i slipped and i don't wanna slip again!

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
i have been feeling the urges for weeks and they're just getting stronger. everything triggers it, even just getting up in the mornings!

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
i believe so. it's just this overwhelming energy and anxiety. there's alot of things in my life right now that make me anxious, and they're not even bad things mostly, it'S just new situations that make me nervous and i don't know how it'll be... i guess i need to try and release some stress and maybe try and get rid of some situations that make me feel stressed out.


What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i tried reading, distracting myself. i tried to play wiht my dog. i made some coffee, which is usually comfort food.
i can try to continue writing on my story that i am writing for nanowrimo. also i am going to go outside in an hour with gismo, so if i just wait till then i should be ok because afterwards i leave for my writing class which is one of the reasons i am anxoius and hwen i go there and see it'S not so scary i should be fine for tonight...

How do I feel right now?
very anxious, full of energy that needs release...

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
ashamed.

How will I feel tomorrow morning?
scared that i have gone that far again. afraid of losing control. and still ashamed.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
naw, stress will come up, so i can't avoid it. i dunno what i can do to deal wiht it better. maybe i should do some kind of sports to release the anxiety?

Do I need to hurt myself?
no. idon't need to, but i'd like the release. i am going to have to try and find it somewhere else.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
if i hurt now i'd feel calmer and that tight knot in my tummy would be gone. but i'd also feel a lot of shame, i'd have to hide again and be careful not to pull up my sleeves, which is icky because i'll be writing tonight, which makes me feel hot and then long sleeves is just ick...

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want to be able to deal with stress without freaking out. i wanna be stress-resistant, like they ask you in so many jobs. i wanna be able to swim through the waves easily. that's not gonna happen if i keep hurting myself because it'll become a habit again if i start doing it for such a reason and i so don'T want that.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
it will last a while. because the energy will be gone. then i'll go to writing class with low energy and feel bad about myself and that would so screw my evening.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i'll write, which takes a lot of that energy out of me and puts it on paper. in an hour i'll leave wiht gismo and run around with him on the dog playground, that should give me the good kind of energy and take away the bad kind. the change will last till tomorrow morning i guess, and then i have more writing classes. i am busy for the weekend, if i just get through today i should be fine for a while.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
write it all out. try and deal wiht the things that scare me and make me stressed out. face those fears i am trying to run from, like finding a job, going for job interviews, facing an old friend i've hurt, going to writing classes and facing the fear of being a bad writer and realizing that people are nice because they were last time as well...