bus

Hey everyone.
I don't come here often, but I've been struggling with the desire for a few days now and it seemed best to come here and sort out my feelings. Suggestions are welcome, or not. I really just need to write my feelings down to help me think straight.

1. how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

I think I'll feel better. I won't be thinking about cutting anymore, it will be done.

2. what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

I will feel something. I will be distracted from thinking about my ex. I will feel sedated and maybe then I'll be able to sleep.

3. how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I would like to be "over" my ex. I guess the scars will be a reminder and possibly hold me back from that goal. I'm a little afraid that cutting will be like allowing him to control me, does that make sense? I would like to be able to get past him without resorting to cutting.

4. if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

It will last until morning when I'll have to wake up and go to work all bandaged up and sore and constantly worried about covering it. I'll feel stupid for doing this to myself again. In that sense cutting will perpetuate my disgust/disappointment with myself.

5. what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

Drinking a couple of shots of rum has helped me get to sleep uncut before. I could have a bit to drink and go to bed and try to forget about the idea of cutting. Again, a temporary solution; tomorrow I will still miss my ex, but at least I won't have scars to take care of.

6. how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

Cutting = validation of self-hate and isolation.
Alcohol = perhaps a small hangover

7. what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

Right now I really want to be loved. I don't want to feel empty and alone. I don't know an easy way to fix that right now, but I guess it would be healthy to put myself near people, perhaps my family.

So I guess tonight it's going to be alcohol. Probably just a weak attempt to delay self-harm, but better than giving in, right?[/i]

hey, treesleeper,

i just wanted to let you know that i read. more later, but quickly for now (i'm at work):

treesleeper wrote:I'm a little afraid that cutting will be like allowing him to control me, does that make sense? I would like to be able to get past him without resorting to cutting.

it does make sense ... in a way, i think you're right, although i'd be gentle about it with yourself. it's great that you recognize this, and great that you can articulate your goal -- to get past him without cutting. i know that it's much easier said than done, of course.

i thought this part of your post was interesting:

treesleeper wrote:I will feel something. I will be distracted from thinking about my ex.

to me, what that says is that you're thinking a lot about him and it's driving you nuts... but at the same time, you're not feeling much. and i don't think that's contradictory. it's really hard to let yourself feel the immense pain of a breakup. instead you think about it ... think and think and think, obsess, drive yourself crazy thinking about it. but the feelings pop out, anyway ... in the desire to cut, or to drink 'till you forget it.

that's been my experience, at least. and if any of that rings true for you, i'd say that maybe it might help just let yourself feel it ... all of it. hug a pillow and cry. write him a long letter and say everything you want to say. rip up his tee-shirts. find a way to let yourself actually feel this pain other than SI.


~b