bus

Have you taken care of your physical wounds?
Yes.

What had happened just before?
I was thinking about this guy I made-out with when I was drunk that I regret, and then I started thinking about Erik and what happened then and how much I hate myself for what happened.

What were you thinking and feeling?
How stupid I am with guys, how hurt I easily get. How I told him no and I couldn't stop thinking about it. And how Chris brought the situation up online and I spilled to him (because he bothered the shit out of me for it) and I regret that, because I hate people knowing, even when they just want to help.

Why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? Was there an event that was the final straw? What was it?
I don't know, I cut myself then too honestly, but I should be over it by now. I just keep thinking about it, and I can't stop hating Erik because of what he did.

How did the situation get to the final straw stage?
I let it, I was drunk though too. I made-out with him, and I honestly didn't want to. I am still a bit emotional around guys and scared of sex since Erik... when I am drunk I get lonely and feel unwanted even though I don't want anything physical, but I still made-out with him. And then I got mad at myself for it, because I actually didn't want to. I probably should have taken it like it was... just a silly mistake, or I should probably decide what things I do and don't want to do BEFORE I drink.


Were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? Can you address those in the future? How?
Yes, sadly, and I should have known better. I swear I do it every time. I need to do what I mentioned above, think about what I want before I begin to drink, because usually I can stick to it. If I start drinking and then have to decide, it's much harder.

What other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? How well did they work?
Ugh, I cried, and that's about it. I just got that feeling where I knew nothing else would work, and I usually don't think twice about it, I just do it. I need to work on that.

In retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? What were they?
Going to sleep always helps me, and I should have done that immediately, especially since it was like 4:30 am.

Name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
I know I will remember that method. I know it works for me, so instead of actually thinking up doing that, I need to think up why I need to do it over self-injury, even when at the time I feel that nothing else will work besides that. I feel I need to tell myself, if I feel this way still in the morning, I can cut. It may not keep me from cutting, but it helps to get a different perspective in the morning, and usually after sleeping, I don't want to do it anymore.

How do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? Is it resolved? If not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
I don't know, it's not really resolved, but the exact situation is. I will still always feel that way against guys, and I wil still always hate Erik when it comes to sex. But I can learn to slowly exept myself when it comes to them, and know what I want when it comes to having fun and drinking. I do it to hang out with Shannon and have fun... no guys need to be involved. I need time before I can start anything with guys. I may long to be loved, but I need to stay away from guys until I can be confortable with myself again.

Are you likely to be in that emotional place again? How will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
I think I explained quite a bit above, I know when I am in the situation usually. I need to learn to not get into the situation.

What will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? List three specific things you will commit to trying.
My number one thing is to sleep it off... this has worked for me more than anything else has. Or maybe keep myself surrounded by others - because then I can't do anything to hurt myself. And thirdly, if I can't help not being around others, and I seriously cannot in any way fall asleep, I will try to write and cry and write some more until I can't think anymore and I am too emotionally drained to even think about cutting. Hopefully though, I wont be getting myself into these situations again. I really hope so.

pope8586 wrote:Were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? Can you address those in the future? How?
Yes, sadly, and I should have known better. I swear I do it every time. I need to do what I mentioned above, think about what I want before I begin to drink, because usually I can stick to it. If I start drinking and then have to decide, it's much harder.

i can relate very much to the drinking and how that affects judgements/decisions. it's cool that you can stick to what you want if you decide it before you drink. it can be hard to think about these things beforehand, but it's a good step to take

What other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? How well did they work?
Ugh, I cried, and that's about it. I just got that feeling where I knew nothing else would work, and I usually don't think twice about it, I just do it. I need to work on that.

is there anything you can do to force yourself to stop and think about what you're doing? like putting tools where they're hard to find, or something?

Name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
I know I will remember that method. I know it works for me, so instead of actually thinking up doing that, I need to think up why I need to do it over self-injury, even when at the time I feel that nothing else will work besides that. I feel I need to tell myself, if I feel this way still in the morning, I can cut. It may not keep me from cutting, but it helps to get a different perspective in the morning, and usually after sleeping, I don't want to do it anymore.

that sounds cool. you've gone for long periods without SI so you've obviously got a good sense of what works for you. things do often seem very different in the morning....especially if alcohol is involved.

How do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? Is it resolved? If not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
I don't know, it's not really resolved, but the exact situation is. I will still always feel that way against guys, and I wil still always hate Erik when it comes to sex. But I can learn to slowly exept myself when it comes to them, and know what I want when it comes to having fun and drinking. I do it to hang out with Shannon and have fun... no guys need to be involved. I need time before I can start anything with guys. I may long to be loved, but I need to stay away from guys until I can be confortable with myself again.

i guess coming to terms with what happened is a long process and i think it's good to see learning to accept yourself in that sense as a slow process. it sounds quite a confusing place to be in. are you able to talk to your friends about it at all, since they're the ones who are there when you go out?

i hope you're ok

i relate to your after. loneliness. drinking. *deep sigh*

eunomia wrote:

pope8586 wrote:Were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? Can you address those in the future? How?
Yes, sadly, and I should have known better. I swear I do it every time. I need to do what I mentioned above, think about what I want before I begin to drink, because usually I can stick to it. If I start drinking and then have to decide, it's much harder.

i can relate very much to the drinking and how that affects judgements/decisions. it's cool that you can stick to what you want if you decide it before you drink. it can be hard to think about these things beforehand, but it's a good step to take.

*nods in agreement with eu. i think its real cool that you can still stick to your decisions and judgements you made before you have a drink. i battle with that but usually start drinking bc i want to cut .... which brings me to my next point.

eunomia wrote:

What other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? How well did they work?
Ugh, I cried, and that's about it. I just got that feeling where I knew nothing else would work, and I usually don't think twice about it, I just do it. I need to work on that.

is there anything you can do to force yourself to stop and think about what you're doing? like putting tools where they're hard to find, or something?

what i started doing (i read it here on bus somewhere) was to put my tool in an ice tray in the freezer, then i have to let it defrost before i can use it. that usually gives me time to think or fall asleep waiting before i cut. maybe you could try something similar?

i hope you are taking gentle care of yourself and though i dont know the whole story might it be best for you to talk to an impartial person irl about your feelings to try and get them out and deal with them before they cause you to hurt again?

hugs and warm thoughts if you want them?

noel

Thanks both of you.

And Truce, the ice idea actually sounds like a really good idea, and I may have to try it (as long as I can make sure no one will try to use the ice). I think that is a very clever idea and gives me time to think about things first.