bus

Yes, I really am that confused. I have a knick on my thumb that I know I did (and I have memory of doing, so I'm not talking about dissociating here). What's confusing me is that I cannot for the life of me figure out why. I was really happy to reach 3 months, and I have a few other milestones coming up this month that I was excited about. I was having a good day... I wasn't feeling at all urgy.

I was cleaning my room and found the first tool I used... I threw it away. Then later I found another one... I started to throw it away, but then I just... gouged my thumb with it. For absolutely no apparent reason. When I was done, I threw it away like nothing had ever happened, but about 15 minutes later I realized what I'd done, and now I'm just disgusted with myself.

I didn't want to SI, why did I?

I don't know what to tell you...but I understand. SI is often an impulsive thing, and I can understand how having a tool in your hand could be too much to resist. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You have been doing really well...I hope you feel better soon.

Except what I keep coming back to is that... There was no impulse. There was no decision, or anything. The term "autopilot" would apply here... which I suppose means I was dissociating a little. I'm just glad I realized what was happening before I drew blood... that's always the defining point for me.