bus

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
frustration frustration frustration!!! there's a whole situation where i've been training a horse that has had past problems with humans and bucks alot... and then this girl goes and rides her when i, her instructor, the barn manager, and the barn OWNER tell her not to ride her, and yet she does... and therefore 'ruins' her all over again this time her habits are worse. i'vebeen crying over this all day, this poor mare does NOT deserve this. she gets used to one person only, too many people frighten her.


Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
yeah, once, but it was more like jealousy towards someone who always got the better end of things no matter what. i felt like shxt.


What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i typed in my greatestjournal (like livejournal) and that helped a bit. just ranted. and this is helping i think. but seeing her ride my horse got me SO pissed.


How do I feel right now?
pissed as fxck and wanting to kill things and hurt myself severly.


How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
numb. then angrier and angrier, and then i'll probably cry and go to bed like a sad little motherfxcker.


How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
i know i'll feel incredibly guilty. but i just want that momentary release so bad. i'll hate myself for weeks if i SI now.


Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
i'd like to say i could avoid it, but that's not possible apparently. i don't know how i'd deal with it better in the future really, it's difficult. getting attached to a horse over a long span of months and then having somebody break that attachment is very emotional for me.

Do I need to hurt myself?
i do not NEED to, i WANT to. and i'm trying my best to fight this urge... and it's killing me here. no, the feelings are killing me. i know the bxtch is going to ride my maggie more often now cause i will be gone for two weeks, but when i come back i'm going to makefxckingsure that she doesn't even touch her. i want to hurt myself. i don't need to. i want a simple release. but i also don't want the horrid guilt of waking up in the morning and thinking 'ohhhh shxt. i sied last night didn't i?' i think that's the only thing holding me back.

I'm so sorry that's terrible about the horse you've spent so much time and effort working with.

then i'll probably cry and go to bed like a sad little motherfxcker.

Any chance you could skip right to that part? A good cry and some sleep can do a world of good and have the added bennifit of not having guilt about them later.

Could you write this girl a letter and tell her the 87 ways in which she's an insensitive clod and then rip it to tiny shreds or would that just fuel your anger?

that writing a letter was a good idea thanks!

i had a successful, si-free night, and actually, i am amazed at how well this particular section of BUS helped me out. quite useful really. thanks for replying btw, its nice to know people care
-sin

Way to go on that night, congratulations.
im sorry i have no advice for you just letting you know i read.
tgc
pl