I beat an urge

[kurdt_kobain]

Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
I guess I did. It was just like I was missing an old friend. It was a part of me who wanted to SI because it missed being hurt. It was just a craving for it inside of me, like a craving to eat ice cream or be around people. It was something I suddenly wanted to do.

If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?
I figured them out because I knew what they were all along. I'm not sure if there's something more too it than that, but the feelings that might have been there are bad and need to be pushed deep inside of me--they're things I still can't admit to myself. I know they're there. I'm aware that I'm bullshitting myself on quite a few accounts. But I won't admit how I really feel about things to anyone--because I don't want them to be true.

What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
I typed how I was feeling on BUS. I went up to my bed and listened to Butch Walker and cuddled with my doll and the stuffed animal my boyfriend gave me. I just slept.

Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
Yes, I think so. I could have called my boyfriend, but I had just been hanging out with him and even though I knew he wouldn't mind I couldn't.

If No - What coping skills got me through?
:-/

Why do I think they worked?
I do and don't think that. They worked. I didn't SI. But I'm so triggered just by the mentioning of it. I miss it. I really do. I miss being hot in long sleeves in the summer. I miss the sound that the skin makes when it breaks. I miss the slow way the blood would fill the cut. I miss the way it feels. I miss it, and I don't know what to do about this.

How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?
I don't think I can.

[balletomane]

Well done beating that urge. As for missing SI, what were the things that prompted you to give it up in the first place? Does remembering those things help you beat an urge?

[cb_47]

Every word you typed resonates with me. "Missing an old friend..." SI is hard to beat because it's an addiction, it's something you feel like you can't just give up one day. There are so many days when I think to myself, "just once more..." but then I realize, would it really be just once? And like balletomane said, I had some really specific reasons for giving it up, and those reasons still apply.

It sounds like you did an excellent job of identifying what was happening and dealing with it. You can be pleased with that, and you can build on that success for next time. You can say, "I felt like this before, and I didn't give in... I don't have to give in now."